Teenage son 17 horrible to be around

[Dreambigger1]

Single mum, 3 kids, eldest is 17, a boy.

i am finding him an absolute horrible nightmare to live with and have done for the last few years. I’m just after some advice really on how to handle him.

He goes to college and has a part time job with his dad. College isn’t going well at all. Coursework doesn’t get done; no revision for exams etc, I imagine he will definitely fail this year and be thrown off the course. He is dyslexic and potentially the course is too hard for him, but after GCSEs he had to find something to do and he didn’t seem to have interest in anything. GCSEs also didn’t go well, he was disrespectful at school and just a general nuisance.

At home, I am beginning to find him unbearable. I feel almost scared of him, or scared that whatever I do around him will cause a big argument. I feel like his behaviour is trying to prove his dominance to me / around the house.

His room is an absolute state. Maybe 10 wet towels on the floor, piles of clothes on the floor, 10 dirty mugs, rubbish, tissues scattered everywhere.
When he uses the bathroom, leaves clothes on the floor in there.
Goes to the toilet and wees all over the toilet seat. Not just a little bit, it’s everywhere and everytime and never cleans it up. I find that absolutely disgusting.
Watching tv, no matter what time of day, he has the tv ridiculously loud.
Doesn’t tidy up after himself at all. It’s like he hates me and hates the world and wants to be as difficult as possible.

i don’t pay his phone bill or Xbox pass, he pays that out of his own money. I’m not sure what else I can do really to make his life uncomfortable in an attempt to make him change. I feel that he is too old for me to confiscate his phone. Potentially I could turn the wifi off at night, so if he wanted to go on anything he would have to use data.

I feel like he is an abusive husband that I can’t escape, so I’m just looking for advice on how I handle this, get him to change.

Because in his eyes, his mum is a skivvy and he's enjoying the home comforts which his dad can't be arsed to provide.

Yes, I get why the son would want to remain at his mum's. It can be enjoyable treating other people like shxt. But doesn't mum get any say in it?

I would phone 101 and ask for advice is getting your abusive 17 year old son out of the house. He has alternative accommodation at his Dad's and he can live there. You have no obligation to house him, right now that is the stance his Dad is taking.

He is abusing you and intimidating you. You have to stand up to that and you can. He goes to his Dad's willingly, you can tell him once he is there that he can live there and you will arrange for his stuff to be either dropped off or his Dad can collect it.

If it kicks off, which, come on, you know it will because past behaviour tells you neither of them will want this then the police are there to help protect you. You have younger children to consider. He isn't abusive at his Dad's.

Unconditional love does mean kicking them out when they need a swift, harsh shock that the world does not revolve around them and they are not to treat people like this. As my Mother used to say, we teach people how to treat us. He needs to learn he cannot treat you this way and be housed by you. He can go to his Dad's and together they can decorate that bedroom. Don't parent out of fear. No rational person would think what he was doing in your home was normal.

If your ex is a waste of space, is there a man in your community - one who he respects or maybe feels a bit intimidated by, who can give him a talking to? A teacher, sports coach, religious leader, neighbour or friend's dad? Someone who likes and knows you and would be prepared to let him know that his attitude sucks and no man with any self-respect treats his mother this way.

I do know a woman who had similar problems, then her son joined the air force. he came back after just his first few weeks; training with flowers and presents, cleaned her car, kept the house immaculate and was extremely respectful. he told her that part of their training was about respecting your parents and honouring them with appreciation and excellent behaviour. Maybe he should join the forces if college doesn't suit him.

Meanwhile, I'd just reduce the possibilities for bad behaviour. Boil wash all towels and hide all but one of them. He can have a clean one when he puts the dirty one in the wash basket or washing machine. Try not to make a fight out of it, just say, yeah, chuck your wet towel in the wash basket and I'll find you a new one.

I must admit my DC were very like this and I chose never to turn it into a fight. I just said things like: want a cup of tea? Can you bring some cups down and I'll stick the kettle on.

I aslo chatted with DS2 about how to keep his room tidy, in a non-confrontational way. I said: set a timer on your phone for 2 mins and just pick up clothes. Put smelly ones in a pile and clean ones back in the drawer or wardrobe. After 2 mins, stop and chuck the dirty pile in the wash. Then the same with rubbish - 2 mins for picking up tissues and trash and binning it. If there's time left, straighten the duvet and open the window for fresh air. 2 more mins for taking cups downstairs. In less than 10 mins the room looks presentable. Do it every day and it's presentable in 5 mins. The more he does this, the more you can discuss making the room into a nice place for inviting mates or a girl over - nice lighting, new duvet cover etc.

When/if he is disrespectful, mirror him. If he calls you a stupid cow, mimic his voice saying 'stupid cow' and then calmly say, 'You are better than that' or ' Try and behave in ways that you can look in the mirror and still have some self-respect. Anyone who talks to a loving mother that way knows he is behaving like a bully and a loser. It's pathetic. Be better.' I was very critical of DS1 if he ever tried to undermine me.

Wth your other children, always take the time to pick up on that sort of behaviour - get them to acknowledge how it comes across and what it is like to be on the receiving end of it. IMO, the younger they are when you set zero-tolerance boundaries for this sort of behaviour, the more likely they are to give up on it.

Have you tried a contract, where you outline what you expect from him, what he can expect from you, and what he can expect if he breaks that? The idea is you develop it together around what you and he consider reasonable and then it helps minimise impulsive threats or anger because you aren’t continually reacting to each other and ratcheting things up.

If he’s behaving nicely at his Dad’s then he is choosing to be vile to you. I don’t believe he’s ‘masking’ for his dad.

If you’re getting scared of him then your younger children will be, too.

The lack of habitable bedroom at his dad’s is of no consequence - it’s almost certainly your ex’s ploy to avoid responsibility but your DS lives like a pig anyway so presumably won’t care about having a decorated bedroom.

He needs to move out to his dad’s now. Don’t ask them, just pack his stuff up and drop it off.

The fact he is completely different when with his dad indicates that this behaviour is perhaps more of a choice and he is choosing to be disrespectful. Maybe it's ADHD, but maybe it's just the behaviour of a misogynist, behaviour that he has learned from watching how his dad treated you?

You need to be assertive with your 17 year old, as what is important is that your younger two see you standing up to this awful behaviour, and not tolerating it. You don't want them to learn that it's OK to treat someone like that.

You need to lay down the rules with him. He gets one towel. If he doesn't hang it up to dry then tough shit - he just dries himself with the wet one.

And he speaks to you with respect. If he is abusive, you MUST challenge it and tell him that is NOT OK.

Make it VERY clear to him that if he becomes physical with you and harms you in any way, you will call the police and have him removed from the house. It is YOUR home and if he doesn't like the rules then he can go and live with his dad.

It must be awful to live in your own home walking on eggshells, but it is SO important that your younger two see you standing up to him and making it so clear that his behaviour will not be tolerated.

I'd go as far as telling him that if he pees on the toilet seat and all over the bathroom without cleaning it up, you will sell his Xbox to pay for someone to come on a weekly basis to clean the bathroom if he won't do it!

I explain to my teenage about my responsibility to bring him up to be a good partner to whoever he lives with in the future and so he needs to get into good habits and not be a slob around the house. We put on music and tidy up together. We discuss it and I think he now understands why I ask him to do stuff and be respectful. A lot of their learning at this age is role modelling from the adults around them. His dad is maybe not setting a good example and it's a pain to have to fight that! If you explain that you want your son to have the best life and that starts with self discipline with the little things he may start to get it?

I have a feeling that no matter what you try, as long as his dads attitude is as it is and you’ve got no back up there, he’ll continue to behave in this rude, disrespectful and frankly aggressive way towards to. If his dad is like this towards you now, I take it possibly ds grew up watching him be disrespectful to you.

I think with teens sometimes you have decide what you can let go, or at least leave him to deal with the consequences of, and what you need to take a hard line on. For example, you can let go him having piles of dirty washing in his room- just don’t do his washing and he’ll have no clean clothes to wear. Deposit anything left in the bathroom on his floor to deal with. Who else lives in the house? Might sound draconian but hide away one mug, one set of crockery, cutlery etc for you and whoever else is there. Everything else he can can help himself to put if he doesn’t wash his dishes he will eventually have nothing and you can calmly point that out to him when he wonders where the last glass is.
The things you decide are a hard no, eg pee all over the bathroom, verbal and physical aggression to towards you or anyone else (I don’t mean a bit of cheek/lip) in the house, I think it’s time for a three strikes and you’re out.
Try to have a sit down talk with him and make your expectations clear. He’ll hate it, he’ll hate you, he might not even listen and if he doesn’t, write it down in a text. Tell him you love him but things need to improve in this house and that means…….and make your expectations clear. I need you to clean up after yourself in the bathroom. I need rubbish disposed of before we get pests. And I need there to be no more being rude and disrespectful to me. If things don’t change we’ll need to think about whether living here is the right thing for you. He may vote with his feet from the get go, but I’m not sure you can avoid that. Call the Police if it gets nasty. I’m so sorry things have gotten so bad but they won’t get better unless you are firm.

I wouldn’t give a shit. Send him to his dads with an airbed and a wet towel and see how they get on together.

Personally I would make a last ditch attempt to save your relationship with your son before you write him off.

His dad has got into him like a rotten apple.

If possible I would try and have a serious chat with him with no distractions. Be really honest about how your ex treated you and what that means and how bad it was. He’s old enough to hear. Tell him you believe he is a good person and that you love him but you can see traits of his father coming out in him and what that could mean for his future relationships. Be deadly serious and completely honest.

Tell him you can not, will not and do not have to accept any form of abuse or disrespect and neither does any woman he ends up with in the future. Tell him your non negotiables and if he does not want to shape up he is out. Zero tolerance.

If he will not listen write him a letter. If he laughs in your face his chance is gone and id tell him that!

Could he move in to the staff quarters permanently ? Otherwise send him to his Dad's whether there is a room ready for him or not. He lives in squalor in his room at your house so why would he care about the decor of a room at his Dad's. Sounds like his Dad is just coming up with excuses not to have him. Tell his Dad you will look after your other children but it's his turn to have his son. Change the locks, put his stuff in bags and leave them on his Dad's doorstep. You are been bullied by two abusive pigs.

He's had such a wonderful role model in his father hasn't he 🙄
If any of mine (all boys ages 22 to 2.5) behaved like that i dread to think what my husband would say to them.
If he is this disrespectful to the woman who gave him life, a home, love & home comforts i dread to think what he will be like to his future girlfriends.....SEND HIM TO HIS DADS. You don't deserve this in your own home darling. Sending you lots of love xxx

This situation sounds so awful. Clearly he is committing domestic abuse to his mother. Sorry it's a fact. You earn him if he puts hands on you one more time your will call the police. Then you pack him off to his appalling father who he clearly has learnt this behaviour from. Andrew Tate uses the term 'clown.' And we know what he thinks of women and has the largest social following. You must find the courage to remove him from your home. He will never expect you to do this, be strong and hope you have some close friends nearby. You can do this.

Though it looks like the father wouldn’t have him full time

This is good advice.

just to add this seems to be - I hesitate to call it normal- but not uncommon situation. Someone said to me to explain why it happens in the old days kids would go off to war or hunting. now they become so unpleasant that it provides a distance.. your ex needs to step up. If you can facilitate him moving in absolutely do it.

Make his room at yours as uninhabitable as the one at his dads.

They’re two grown males, they can sort that out themselves.

Time for him to go, and once it’s done you’ll wonder why you waited so long.

Have I missed what age the younger two are? They must be on eggshells too.

Three options there then:
Son does the room up.
Dad does the room up (how much "doing up" does it need?)
Son goes and spends several weeks in squalor and discomfort before begging to come back and live with you, at which point you can say "Only on condition XYZ changes".

Does he have many friends or much of a social life OP?

My brother was like that at 17. Very aggressive and cocky and obnoxious. Now, as a middle-aged man (and very ashamed of his behaviour), he often says that he was just a lonely, frightened child, and that all the cockiness and aggression was a mask. Often, boys who behave like that at home feel small and scared in the real world. My brother had no friends in his late teens and no social life. I think he was lonely - and also ashamed.

I also think he needs to go to his dad’s. He’s trying to do the last bit of growing up, but doesn’t know how to because he doesn’t have a male role model. So he’s throwing his weight around, not knowing that that isn’t how it’s done. He needs an older male to give him a kick up the arse from time to time. You can’t do that. If his dad won’t either, then a few weeks in a job (or the air force) will knock him into line.

A smack and throw the little shit out! 100%

Well, there are good things.

he’s got a part time job (admittedly with his dad) in a situation where many are struggling.

with my teens I constantly emphasised that I was doing stuff to help them learn skills they would need in adult life.

so for example if you do his washing, say to him that you’ll get him an ikea bag and an airer and show him how to use the washing machine. Then stop doing his washing, but say you’ll be happy to help f he needs it.

it does help to do less for them as you feel less resentment.

College is what it is. Stop asking. It’s up to him and if he fucks up the consequences are on him. Sounds like he knows he’s got a job with dad anyway.

start talking to him about where does he want to live when he is older. In a talking through the options way.

it does sound like he’d like to move out and live with dad - if he says that can you offer help to do up the room? Or buy some furniture for it or something?

Can he go and live with his dad for a bit? My friend has recently kicked her 14 year old out and sent him to his dad's as he's vile to her and says his dad is amazing and brilliant bla bla bla

So she's called his bluff and sent him off to his precious dad's and his behaviour towards mum has done a u turn he's ringing her to check in making sure she's ok when he has a night at mums he's doing jobs and cleaning and asked to come home

This is such a lovely response.

Terrible advice. OP please do not do this! I fear that this would enrage him, and I imagine he’s bigger & stronger than OP. Jesus there can be some awful advice on this site.