Teenage son 17 horrible to be around

[Dreambigger1]

Single mum, 3 kids, eldest is 17, a boy.

i am finding him an absolute horrible nightmare to live with and have done for the last few years. I’m just after some advice really on how to handle him.

He goes to college and has a part time job with his dad. College isn’t going well at all. Coursework doesn’t get done; no revision for exams etc, I imagine he will definitely fail this year and be thrown off the course. He is dyslexic and potentially the course is too hard for him, but after GCSEs he had to find something to do and he didn’t seem to have interest in anything. GCSEs also didn’t go well, he was disrespectful at school and just a general nuisance.

At home, I am beginning to find him unbearable. I feel almost scared of him, or scared that whatever I do around him will cause a big argument. I feel like his behaviour is trying to prove his dominance to me / around the house.

His room is an absolute state. Maybe 10 wet towels on the floor, piles of clothes on the floor, 10 dirty mugs, rubbish, tissues scattered everywhere.
When he uses the bathroom, leaves clothes on the floor in there.
Goes to the toilet and wees all over the toilet seat. Not just a little bit, it’s everywhere and everytime and never cleans it up. I find that absolutely disgusting.
Watching tv, no matter what time of day, he has the tv ridiculously loud.
Doesn’t tidy up after himself at all. It’s like he hates me and hates the world and wants to be as difficult as possible.

i don’t pay his phone bill or Xbox pass, he pays that out of his own money. I’m not sure what else I can do really to make his life uncomfortable in an attempt to make him change. I feel that he is too old for me to confiscate his phone. Potentially I could turn the wifi off at night, so if he wanted to go on anything he would have to use data.

I feel like he is an abusive husband that I can’t escape, so I’m just looking for advice on how I handle this, get him to change.

Massive sympathy for you OP. My brother was horrible to be around as a teenager too. Is there any other adult you can have around when you sit down to have a serious chat with him? Grandparents?

He needs to know that this is unacceptable. I echo the other posters saying not to bother getting on his case about college. Sounds like he's going for practical skills via working for his dad, and he can always do further education later. But the name calling, getting aggressive, and treating your house disrespectfully needs to stop. You need help though and I'm not sure who you can turn to.

I just saw this video on Instagram from theemotionslab I don't know if it will be useful but it reminded me of this thread. Instagram

Send him to his Dad’s. Doesn’t matter if his bedroom is ready, that’ll be on his Dad to sort out.

This sounds horrific

As uncomfortable as it may be you need to ask for a sit down chat with the dad. Explain what’s happened and you would appreciate him perhaps having him for an extended period of time.

The dad called me a weak weirdo and that I should set boundaries.

God knows how I am expected to stop a 17 year old play music off his phone all night long. If it was the tv I could at least take the fuse out the plug, not no option with a phone.

He needs to go to his dad's. He calls you names, tells you to shut up, trashes the house. Tell him he has run out of chances and send him to his dad's.
If he wants to come back, he will have to make promises and stick to them

Text him. Less confrontational. Leave out the full stops at the end.

He'll probably want to talk to you at one am. (Yes mines still up.) They struggle to get to sleep and get up at this age.

Shit sandwich. Tell him he's good at something, ask him to wipe the loo seat, tell him something else he's good at. Honestly they are v v sensitive to any perceived criticism and will blow up rapidly. Their brains are still in the stage where they think other people are angry at them even when they are not. Thank them when they remember stuff.

Tell him you are pleased with/ proud of him for whatever little thing he does and for coping with dyslexia . Build up from there. He needs to know you are on his side. They'll take correction better then.

Loads of people say tough love but it doesn't always work. They respond really well to positive behaviour strategies. You want behaviour change, this helps and is less stressful for you.

Talk to him about being nearly an adult. What skills he needs. Dyslexia is going to make him struggle with executive function. It's shit, both for him and you. Prompt him to bring down his towels for washing etc. Ask him if he is going to need clean towels. Could he bring his towels down to wash then please.

Ask if he needs help with tidying his room or would he pick up ...

Share videos and memes with him of things you'll think he likes.

It's tough living with them sometimes, especially when they have a misogynistic dad. You have to work extra hard at teaching them to respect the household.

If he does turn into a six foot bundle of raging hormones, leave him to calm down. Talk to them later when they are more reasonable. They'll often apologise then and you can chat to them about it then. Ask how they think you feel when.... It's quicker and more productive this way.

Don't be afraid to cry if he upsets you. They understand this and it tends to help them understand the effects of their actions.

With all the brain rewiring and hormones they can be like big emotional toddlers and need careful handling.

Good luck.

You've gone on about all of the things you find negative but what does he do right.

I bet he's sick to the back teeth of you going on at him and even if he did improve one thing you wouldn't notice and you'd still go on at him.

I've got three sons older than you and you have to change your approach before it's too late. The poor lad has no life with you.

The poor lad???
Have you commented on the wrong thread or are you just purposely talking shit?

Thanks for your input. Luckily I am not quite suicidal, but for those who well may be, your comments could be very harmful.

I would hit the roof if this were my son. Same age as well. You need to start showing your the boss. Regardless of my sons size he knows he can never talk to me this way. So sorry.

You can get apps that switch the WiFi off. Would that stop the music/ be able to control his Xbox time?

I would sit him down, tell him what is expected of him or he is to move to his dad's.

You're allowing this boy to rule the roost and affect his whole family.
Be strong, set the boundaries and if he doesn't follow the expectations, he has to go. I'd be explaining his dad won't put up with the same behaviour and no flatmate would either.
He needs to quit college, he isn't going to pass, is he? So why waste time? Tell him to get a job or again, he's out.

Dad said set boundaries then do it. Tough live op

If son wont listen then text him that he
1)cleans up after himself
2)no shouting/being rude,
3) he sort college out or leaves and gets a job.
He has until then end of March. If he hasn't done the above you will pack his things and leave them on dad doorstep and changing locks. If he is aggressive to you then you will be doing straight away

Tough if the room at dad's is ready they will have to sort it.

Are you alright?

Is your ex a pub landlord by any chance?

OP I don’t think reasonable solutions will work here, sad to say. As your ex can house him, I would wait until the next time your son stays there and then change the locks. Box up his stuff for him and leave it outside and say that whilst you still love him, you can’t continue to allow his behaviours and so it is best he stays with his Dad now.

Horrible

I would on the whole agree here.

Firstly, you are not doing anything wrong. This time in their lives is really crazy for some boys. DS1 is 21 and an absolute angel child, always has been. He lives away at uni. DS2 is 19 and a bit of a car crash. They've not been raised any differently.

He has ADHD (& a recent autism diagnosis which shocked us) & he is just completely differently wired. If allowed he would be up until the small hours, bingeing TV/film/ gaming/ cooking/eating and sleeping until 3pm. We have to work REALLY hard to set boundaries/ show expectations/ make him understand why. I'm very lucky that ex-DH is brilliant & we work together- when he's driving me insane he stops there an extra few nights. If anything, ex-DH is stricter than me. I know you're working against this, which makes a massive difference. However, i do think trying what the PP suggested might yield some difference?

I text DS2 all the time- with details/ suggestions/ reminders, but also article/ videos he'd like (wacky sense of humour/ bizarre facts he loves) which keeps it lighter- especially if we've had a tough chat/ he's been annoying.

I have very strong boundaries - e.g. phone at the table the other night, he argued back, I was firm & removed dinner until he went upstairs, cooled down & returned later.

He's at uni from home & in both houses we have a laminated sheet: one side has a list of stuff he needs for uni/ sports, the other a list of things he should do before leaving the house. It has made a big difference. He might be 19, but his executive & emotional age is estimated about 13 (adhd info) & i need to keep reminding myself of this.

DS1 is great at giving him the odd pep talk. Can you rope in another teen you know to maybe do that the odd time?

Good luck. It's so bloody hard. Take care of you as much as you can. ❤️

Edited to say that rugby has been a constant in his life & still a great motivator. He's always found good influences in coaches & other boys. Right now the older 'head ' in his uni team seems a lovely, thoughtful influence. Has your DS got any interests you could dial into?

That sounds extremely diifficult and scary. Im sorry. I do think you should call womens aid for advice. You are all being abused in your own home....

Also this organisation family lives below also has a helpline. I think it might be too late for how to manage it, by the sound of it, more like managing him out of the home for your other childrens and your wellbeing.

https://www.familylives.org.uk/about/contact-us

Both of these organisations will know how best to deal with this.

I can totally understand why you are frightened, it definitely sounds like your ex is not a good parent and getting a kick out of this.......ask for advice on whether you would be solely responsible for housing him till 18, surely his dad is too..... and then you wouldn't have to worry so much about changing the locks.

Get him removed from your home.
Stop allowing him to abuse you and your children.
Ring the police and have him removed.
Do it for your other children.
They will never forget how you allowed him to abuse you all.
You owe it to your other children to protect them from him.

Years ago my colleague had an older brother like this.
She left home at 18 and got a job, put herself through college, did accounting courses over many years and qualified.
It was very hard but she did it.

He eventually left home and moved in with his girlfriend who apparently didn't take any nonsense from him.
Her parents again contacted her to visit via friends she kept in contact with, as she lived two hours away.
She rang them and told them she would never forgive them for allowing him to rule the house and bully her.
She never visited them ever again.

Do not be those parents.
Do not underestimate the damage this is doing to siblings.
Be brave.

Have you asked him where he’s planning to live when he hits 18 and leaves / gets kicked out of school? And how he plans to make that work? Because it won’t be with you.
Might be the wake up call they all need.