To think DP has lost his ambition since I got a better job?

[symboo]

I met DP when I was at university. He was so ambitious and that was one of the things that attracted me to him. He wanted to get out into the world and make a lot of money. That is important to me as I grew up with none.

I got to uni based on my drive to get out of the relative poverty I grew up in. After uni I got a high paying job but has gruelling hours, it’s more a lifestyle than a career.

DP was always going to do the same, but from lack of trying/over confidence/bad luck, he’s not managed to land that high flying career. He earns well compared to the majority of the population, but he’s not fulfilling his potential either in terms of income or the calibre of job. He’s now “settled” into a job he hated and said he was taking as a stepping stone.

On the other hand I work silly hours and earn very well. But DP has decided he can’t be bothered for the high flying career and keeps hinting that one day he could be a stay at home dad, or that I could “look after him”. AIBU to think he’s lost his ambition now that I got a better job?

Possibly. But also how you think the world of work will be when you're at uni, and then how it actually is when you get into it can also change your ambitions.

What does it feel like to think he has lost his ambition now you have a good job? Would it make you reconsider your relationship?

I’d not like that at all, for me it’s important a partner pulls their weight financially, my husband earns less than I do, but he still has a very good job and wouldn’t dream of quitting so I can pay for him,

he likely feels a bit of a failure and stuck,but the answer isn’t to quit and put his hand out, it’s to get it sorted.

I was v ambitious after graduation. It dwindled in my late 20’s and early 30’s.

Id have retired at 35 if l could. Hated all the corporate crap

I’m not sure that’s fair. I agree with the poster that says ideas at university change when you’re in the real world.

In my case I thought I’d be super ambitious. But I detest office politics and the long hours required in my field. Instead I’m in a job that I love that I feel helps others. I had no idea I’d enjoy this field. Salary is above average but not what I’d planned. I got to a certain level and didn’t feel going higher was worth it to me.

People change as they get older and have more life experience. The bigger question is whether you can be ok with that? Have you both had a recent chat about what you want and where you both see your lives in the future? Does it align?

Me too. Ruthlessly ambitious as a graduate, worked in City law. Very dog eat dog. Toxic.

Had kids. Reassessed everything.

Don't want to be that person anymore. I'm ambitious for the kids and want them to fulfil their potential and will articulate for that but otherwise, happy with my status quo. As I got older I realised that it's not a meritocracy. Me working and killing myself wasn't going to result in a better outcome

It comes down to being in the right place at the right time and knowing the right people.

My husband realised this 5 years before me and turned down partnership as it just wasn't something he wanted.

Well who else is going to look after them if you continue?

How much do you earn more than him? It’s incredibly hard to have two people who are working all the hours and honestly there’s plenty of misery to go round when people do and then have to spend £70k on a nanny to look after the kid they really wanted.

I reckon half the very driven couples I see in therapy are struggling with this. The desire to get out of poverty is not ameliorated even when they’re not poor and downshifting mindset is so hard.

Is this the life you want? To live for work rather than live for you and your family ?

Maybe he just realised there is more to life.

It sounds like earning a lot of money and having a high flying career was never a true ambition of his, maybe fresh out of uni he was initially excited to start a career and make big plans and something he continued to go along with when you met and talked of your career and financial ambitions but obviously not something he had his heart set on. I think there is a difference between things that feel important in a moment or for a few years and those that are actual true life ambitions, it sounds like he was just making fanciful career plans in his head not actual goals he was ambitious to strive towards.

I don't think he has necessarily done anything wrong, people do change. But I agree that it's very unattractive, living with a SAHP, a part time worker or someone who gives up trying so early in their career would be a deal breaker for me. Just accept you're different and leave him so you can both be free to move on.

Maybe he is happy at the level he is at values a better work life balance? I work in engineering, pays well, manage a small team, can pretty much switch off my laptop at 5pm and not think about work till the next day. I have been offered more senior roles that pay a lot more but that would require way longer hours, working weekends and me probably having to park some of my hobbies and interests. I am happy at the level I am at.

I don’t see an issue with him ‘settling’ it happens to a lot of people and sometimes they realise there’s more to life than a high paying career and the lifestyle that gives them.

myself and my DH were very similar to yourself, but now we’re in our 50s and we’ve both take. A step back in career to enable us to have a less stressful career and spend time at home and work each other.

but…. I’d not be happy with his comments about being a kept man, that wouldn’t sit right with me and it’s very important that a partner contributes financially to the relationship and you don’t end up in a parent / child type relationship

I would lose attraction for a man that wants to give up work for me to "look after him"

Financial independence is important to me, and I never gave up work for DH to look after me financially. I don't like situations of dependency and I would reevaluate relationship where this happened.

That's fine and loads of people think like that but for those that are attracted to ambition it wouldn't work. People are attracted by all sorts of things - tall/small, blonde/brunette, intelligence, sense of humour etc. People who are attracted to blondes are not wrong because they're not attracted brunettes in the same way that people are not wrong for being attracted to ambition rather than settlers.

Ok but I’m guessing you’re not married to the op and the thread is maybe not about you. People can value many things in a relationship. And each is different, I’m sure your partner values your values.

Settling might mean.that he has a healthy work life balance. That is a healthy compromise to make in.my opinion. It may not be something you are happy with. Realistically if you have children, if you can afford it wouldn't it be better if one parent did the childcare, rather than outsourcing things.

Agree with others perhaps he’s just seen how hard you work and everything you sacrifice in your personal life and decided that’s not for him. It’s valid. But it’s also valid for you to resent slightly the different choices you’re each making and decide you’re no longer comparable.

Stash some money away. Do not have children with this man unless and until you have some very clear guidelines laid down. Chivvy him to get a better job or do further training or retraining or whatever, to boost hus contributionto your joint finances. Is he good around the house, or would him being a "househusband" actually mean he'd do the bare minimum and you'd come home from a long hard day at work to bored hungry grubby kids, a dirty house, and no food on the table? Because this seems to be the norm I've seen from many SAHDs over the years.

There are plenty of women who have zero ambition and lose whatever ambition they have when they have children

He probably has but I think that’s common and fairly normal.

From my own experience, I spent my 20s and 30s being incredibly career focussed and to be fair, it’s served me well. I have a well paid job with good prospects.

At one time I wanted to be top of the tree, and push for the best paid job and the huge firm I worked for.

Then I had DD and reached my late 30s / early 40s and I started to realised none of really mattered. I left my big swanky firm where I was working crazy hours, joined a slightly smaller one with a better work-life culture, took a small
hit on my pay but still have a very good salary and bonus, and I’ve never been happier. DH has done something similar too, for similar reasons.

I don’t regret being career driven in my younger years because it’s given me the good life I have now, but I spent a lot of time chasing meaningless shit and it took age and experience to realise that. I’m still ambitious but in a much softer way and have a clear idea of what matters (to me).

The ambitions you have for him are a very big deal. To put career foremost, sacrifice work life balance for it, and produce outcomes of 'a lot of money' would be incredibly stressful for someone to live up to if their heart isn't in it. So you need to accept or move on. Because if you try to change him you'll both be very miserable.

Well of course I am not married to the OP and this thread is not about me but she has posted on a very popular discussion forum in order to invite the views of others, which is what I have offered.

He earns well compared to the majority of the population, but he’s not fulfilling his potential either in terms of income or the calibre of job

Wow. Do him a favour and find someone else who you aren't so scornful of.

I get what you mean op. I think k it’s fine if he’s happy with the job he does (and you said it is above average pay). But I wouldn’t be happy with suggestions that you ‘keep him’. I think financial independence is very important and I have no interest in supporting another able bodied adult financially.

Maybe he looks at you and thinks actually I earn well compared to most people and my job doesn't dominate my life, I'm better where I am.

You need to have a proper mutual view of how the future. Hints and all that ain't good enough.
If you are in agreement that you are going to have a family, you need to be clear if your view of that is that you both work in well paying jobs, you want to take a step back and how you will both fund those years.