To think DP has lost his ambition since I got a better job?

[symboo]

I met DP when I was at university. He was so ambitious and that was one of the things that attracted me to him. He wanted to get out into the world and make a lot of money. That is important to me as I grew up with none.

I got to uni based on my drive to get out of the relative poverty I grew up in. After uni I got a high paying job but has gruelling hours, it’s more a lifestyle than a career.

DP was always going to do the same, but from lack of trying/over confidence/bad luck, he’s not managed to land that high flying career. He earns well compared to the majority of the population, but he’s not fulfilling his potential either in terms of income or the calibre of job. He’s now “settled” into a job he hated and said he was taking as a stepping stone.

On the other hand I work silly hours and earn very well. But DP has decided he can’t be bothered for the high flying career and keeps hinting that one day he could be a stay at home dad, or that I could “look after him”. AIBU to think he’s lost his ambition now that I got a better job?

If you are asking on AIBU then you have to expect to hear all sorts of different opinions.

His feelings about being a 'high flyer' may have changed for a number of reasons. You having a good job may or may not be one of them. It could simply be that his career is no longer his number one priority.
People change as they get older, thank god. Imagine being the same person in your 40's that you were at 20.
There's nothing wrong with having a sahp if both parties are happy with that. It doesn't need to be the mum. Two parents working crazy hours isn't good for family life. That's the reality.
It sounds like you need to decide whether it's a deal breaker. You can't change who people are and how they feel, but you can decide not to stay married to them.

but he’s not fulfilling his potential either in terms of income or the calibre of job

Maybe he has. You said he tried for better jobs but never got them. So, maybe he isn’t up to that calibre.
Or, if he was, he no longer is as he hasn’t continued to try or better himself or whatever.

Not everyone is capable of being a high flyer and maybe he has met his limit and now you need to accept that. He could also have just been really unlucky, but it sounds like he’s working at his level.

He's maybe just keen to enjoy the benefits of your success rather than put the effort in, as many women have done over the years care of their high earning husbands. Mention you've had enough of the rat race and want to give it all up to work at animal rescue. See his response.
He's either being lazy as you are a good earner.
He's genuinely had a rethink over what motivates him.
He's failed and given up.
Most Alpha Women are with Alpha men. EVERY marriage I know of where the husband stays hone and raises the kids and the high earning women works has crumbled. The lack of respect creeps in slowly. You say partner, are you married because I'd suggest having a serious think. Its not what you signed up to and not the future you saw.

I don't think it's bad or unusual for someone to change their mind at the type of career they want. Things like city lawyers and finance sound glamorous when you're at uni but the reality of spending the majority of your life at work, being permanently stressed and knackered, being contacted on holidays and evenings and weekends etc is not so fun. And he probably now has a better insight than most, so I think fair enough to decide a high flying high pressure career is not for him.

But saying that, I'd completely share your concerns. At the age I'm assuming you both are (late 20s?) he should at least want to pursue some sort of career. Hinting that he thinks you should look after him would put me right off, it's not the lack of ambition so much as the lack of interest / drive / work ethic / self respect. If he wanted to be a SAHD because he absolutely loved kids and was an amazing parent and couldn't bear to be apart from them, and was great at organising/ housework etc then that would be one thing. But it sounds like he is a bit 'well why should I bother when I can just rely on and benefit from (OP) putting in all the hard work'.. which is really not attractive, and if he was female he'd be called a gold digger.

I'd think very carefully if you want to subsidise him and if you want to have children with him, as if you do it will be 'nursery is 2k a month per child, there's no point in me working because we will be losing money'. I'd be very clear that we were going to use a nanny / nursery (which may not be compatible with long hours) otherwise you will feel like he is not pulling his weight in the relationship (unless you feel very strongly that children should have a sahp).

I'd be very aware that a lot of women in this situation get stuck in a marriage, earning all the money and doing everything at home (cooking, cleaning, kids mental load and 100pc of childcare when they are at home) with lazy men who do the bare minimum and stick the kids on screens all day, because they are worried they'd lose contact with the kids because their husband / partner would get custody because they're the primary parent on paper, even though the reality doesn't match up.

He earns well so it’s not really a problem.

I totally agree. The OP has a bizarre take on life. An unhealthy and quite shallow perspective. Can’t make for a very happy life for either of them

I find financial dependence by choice (for both men and women) extremely unattractive. If your values don’t align, I’d move on.

Do the poor chap a favour and leave him, that way he can settle for his above average earning job and you can work all the hours you can to earn all the money you don’t have any time to enjoy.

People change & their priorities change, maybe you are no longer compatible or maybe he’s taking the view that if you ever have kids he’d be fine with being a Stay At Home Parent but it does sound like this is a turning point in your relationship as pushing him into a better paying job that he doesn’t want will not work out well for either of you.

Like some would find your materlistic view of life unattractive!

Plenty of ways to contribute to a relationship than just financial.

I imagine the people who find it unattractive would be ones who are expecting to rely on others financially (by choice).

for me it would be the “look after him” idea that would get to me, it’s a huge turn off having an adult dependant, you should be doing life together. If your values aren’t aligned it will cause tension so communication would be key here

I think that what has happened for you is that he has changed. He is no longer driven and focused. So it isn't necessarily about the money, it's about you no longer having that in common.

I would advise not thinking of starting a family until you are happy with the situation (either coming to terms with his lack of ambition, helping him redirect himself to regain that previous drive and vision he had) because once you have children, it will be a LOT harder to resolve things.

Speaking personally, I would find his settling for much less than his potential deeply unattractive. There is nothing sexy about someone wanting to be a dependent. Sounds like he could be a cocklodger in the making to me. Urgh.

Then you imagine wrong, it is important to me a partner pulls their weight financially, I am not going to work to provide for another adult to coast or stay at home. I now outearn my husband, we proportionally pay into the joint account so I pay in more than double him as I earn more than double, but he is a high earner in his own right and a grafter. Had he coasted or said he wanted me to pay for him I’d have been a hell no and rhe attraction would have died,

It's not about money. It's about having drive, ambition, a direction for life. Not just settling for the minimum. It would be equally unattractive in someone from a wealthy family.

Two people who settle for a basic life are compatible. One who wants less and one who is focused and 'out there', working towards something are just not compatible. She said at the beginning they were both like this. He's dropped off a cliff.

But you can have drive, ambition and direction without caring about progressing at work.

That’s exactly what I am saying. We are in agreement. My comment was in response to another poster criticising my view.

I agree. But she'd pointed out he hates his job. It was a stepping stone to something else. So it isn't direction if it was a temporary stage which he is now stagnating in.

It sounds to me like he's just lost his direction. Given that they don't sound short of money, I'd maybe look into suggesting some kind of career guidance.

I mean you shouldn't really love someone because of their earning potential. As long as he's working and contributing to home life and is a good and loving partner and you can afford to live comfortably then I can't really see the issue. If you have kids and he wants to stay at home and you can afford it then more power to him. Being at home with a baby/toddler is harder than most jobs. I couldn't wait to get back to work after maternity leave.

It's not "stagnating" to realise you're actually quite happy in the job you're in and don't want to move to the next step just yet.

Suggesting "career guidance" is so patronising - he's a grown adult who knows his own mind. He doesn't need his partner pushing and pressuring him to go and and earn more for her own happiness.

This ^

There is so much more to life than money. You both have well paying jobs, you're in no way in poverty.

He probably doesn't need her leaving him because she's no longer attracted to him either. He has changed and she doesn't find his lack of motivation attractive.

They'd be a bit screwed without her earning potential though, if he wants to give up work.

I'm not sure it's a bad thing for him if she leaves, really.

Ambitions in our early 20's are very different to the realities of the long-haul grind of working life.
If you are considering starting a family the 'stay at home' dad scenario could work really well for you.
My friend did this and it allowed her to have a fantastic career whilst her husband took care of their domestic life.