To think DP has lost his ambition since I got a better job?

[symboo]

I met DP when I was at university. He was so ambitious and that was one of the things that attracted me to him. He wanted to get out into the world and make a lot of money. That is important to me as I grew up with none.

I got to uni based on my drive to get out of the relative poverty I grew up in. After uni I got a high paying job but has gruelling hours, it’s more a lifestyle than a career.

DP was always going to do the same, but from lack of trying/over confidence/bad luck, he’s not managed to land that high flying career. He earns well compared to the majority of the population, but he’s not fulfilling his potential either in terms of income or the calibre of job. He’s now “settled” into a job he hated and said he was taking as a stepping stone.

On the other hand I work silly hours and earn very well. But DP has decided he can’t be bothered for the high flying career and keeps hinting that one day he could be a stay at home dad, or that I could “look after him”. AIBU to think he’s lost his ambition now that I got a better job?

If you think less of him (and it does appear that contempt is starting) because of this, do him the favour of ending the relationship sooner rather than later.

It really comes across that your positive regard for him is highly dependent on his earnings. It is interesting that it seems not to have occurred to you that he has lost his confidence a bit, and your obvious disappointment at his lower earnings is only going to make it worse.

It doesn’t come across as if you like him very much, and that you love the Idea of Him from university days rather than the actual person he is.
You want more money, and he deserves better.

DH and I are very similar to this. We met at work when at the same level career wise, I've been much more ambitious and I out earn him almost 3 times now. At one point it started to really annoy me that he got to be all about work life balance, whereas I was stressed and always thinking about work. Turned out the problem was with how toxic my job had become. I changed companies and now we're both happy again, the problem was never him (or any perceived lack of ambition).

That said, he picks up the slack at home, does the majority of the thinking and running around after DC etc. I wouldn't be able to just piss off to work in the morning (in my clean clothes that just magically apear in the wardrobe) before everyone's awake if he wasn't taking care of things.

The poster said she found people rely on others financially as unattractive...

My DH and I are a partnership, we bring different things to our marriage fo 20 years. I have been a SAHM but have worked very hard to provide a home and bring up our children, and enabled him to work the hours necessary to build his career.

We have a comfortable life because both our commitment, I don't depend on 'his' money, because it's 'our' money...

Guess it depends on your definition of relying... WE rely on the money his earns, and the family home that I provide.

We have a comfortable life, but I have helped enable that by allowing him to work when he needs, and bring up two successful DD's.

I understand how you feel but actually having a partner who can be around home more would very immensely beneficial if and when you do have children. My DH has always worked in his family company. When we met it felt the world was his oyster - the business might have developed in all sorts of ways. It never really has - though overtime products have been added and dropped, contracts have come and gone. It went through a really low period but then restabilised. Recently Trump hasn't exactly been helpful!

So I've always earned more and I used to resent that a bit but at the same time, there was never a time when the business was set to fail, and though he considered it, he never moved on to take a job elsewhere.

Initially he worked ourside the home but now runs the business from home which means that for a lot of their childhood, he was around for our kids - we still used childcare when they were younger, but it was really helpful for him to be around during their teen years when they still needed some support or to be taken to appointments etc.

Not saying your DH's attitude is right or that you need to stay with him if he doesn't step up. Just to give another perspective.

Sounds like he wants to get to live the life of a very hard working career person without having to put in the hard work, by dating one instead.

I see red flags, because if you choose to have children with him in future, that can have a dramatically different impact on you than your partner. Once you have a child you might want to be able to concentrate on your baby and your recovery from pregnancy and birth, safe in the knowledge you have a partner who works as hard as you always have so that you can continue to live the lifestyle that you deserve from all of your long hours.

But she wants to work and earn the big bucks. If that was to change then obviously they would need to have a conversation.

Just bear in mind @symboo that 'looking after' him will include paying for everything and doing all of the domestic work.
He will feel that this is right and fair because you need to compensate him for the damage that you have done to his ego by earning more than him.
He won't want to subordinate himself to you by doing 'women's work'. Instead he will become the owner of the golden goose, in other words you will be working for him and he will still consider himself to be the head of the household.

I think he is being unreasonable to stay in a job he hates as I think you should enjoy work, Being well paid is great but being in a job you love is also really important.
I think your unreasonable to expect him to follow your path or even earn the same as you but I would also find the him expressing how much he hates his job and not doing anything about it really frustrating.

Edited to say though I did actually ditch an ex about a month after he walked out of his job. We literally had nothing to talk about other than what he had made for dinner. He also dropped hints about me supporting him and it was just a no from me.

My only advice would be to think about this very carefully, and make your mind up on whether this is a big issue for you or not.
I don't think it's really about you and your job, being ambitious "in theory" at uni is very different to the reality of the workplace. Your partner is entitled to change his mind and want a different lifestyle.

If this is a deal-breaker for you then you might be compatible anymore.
I'm saying this because my sister is now married with 4 children, to someone who isn't ambitious enough for her liking... It's creating so much frustration and resentment on both sides! It's very sad to see to be honest ...

For me it’s really hard for both members of a couple to work in the same way. I work in education, I can’t drop kids at school. My husband is in finance and cannot pick kids up. When he moves jobs I am going to be flexible (ie leave my job) for a few years until our kids are old enough to enjoy wrap around care or have independent play dates. I think he can pull his weight without a toxic work culture…. But that’s part of a discussion of hopes/dreams/ reality of your personal situation.

While I agree it would be frustrating to see your partner lose his ambition and perhaps not fulfil his full career potential, but have you thought that maybe it’s fear of more rejection? I’d always believed that you can achieve anything you want if you work hard enough, but then suffered maternity discrimination that burned me so much I turned my back on that path entirely, and now realise it’s not always that simple. It doesn’t sound like he finished uni and immediately gave up, rather a series of events lead him to reevaluate and be where he is now. His career is his choice, as it’s yours to be in one that sounds very full on. Focus instead on supporting him, building up his self-esteem / worth (as opposed to quiet disappointment), and, he may eventually decide on his own to try again if he’s unhappy, but as stated that should be his choice.