To think DP has lost his ambition since I got a better job?

[symboo]

I met DP when I was at university. He was so ambitious and that was one of the things that attracted me to him. He wanted to get out into the world and make a lot of money. That is important to me as I grew up with none.

I got to uni based on my drive to get out of the relative poverty I grew up in. After uni I got a high paying job but has gruelling hours, it’s more a lifestyle than a career.

DP was always going to do the same, but from lack of trying/over confidence/bad luck, he’s not managed to land that high flying career. He earns well compared to the majority of the population, but he’s not fulfilling his potential either in terms of income or the calibre of job. He’s now “settled” into a job he hated and said he was taking as a stepping stone.

On the other hand I work silly hours and earn very well. But DP has decided he can’t be bothered for the high flying career and keeps hinting that one day he could be a stay at home dad, or that I could “look after him”. AIBU to think he’s lost his ambition now that I got a better job?

If he earns well & likes his job with a good work/life balance what is the problem?

I used to be very ambitious but wanted more balance after dc. I’m still a really hard worker in my new role/industry but I work to live now. I love it.

Reading your post makes me wonder if you have some un-dealt with trauma from your childhood in poverty. Money does make the world go around, but your view seems extreme and unhealthy. It really isn’t everything and it’s more like you’re earning high to prove a point (to who?) rather than finding something that gives you happiness and balance.

I wonder if you’ve always projected your fears onto your partner and that’s why he initially said he wants to make mega money - to please you. When really, he’s happy in his above average paid job.

I don’t think your mindset is healthy or realistic and you run the risk of pushing away your partner as your drive increases and you let your dissatisfaction with him be known.

I wonder if you’d benefit from some therapy to talk through your childhood more and how money, security and love played out for you. It may help you in the long run to find a more balanced and content view on life.

Yep, these threads are among the most hypocritical and sexist on Mumsnet. Not every man wants to be Gordon Gekko. You see plenty of threads on here supporting women to be part time/SAHMs and that the kids are important etc.

Ambition and drive are important to me too, I earn 3x’s what my DH does, the next step up for him though is working hours plus being available 24 hours a day - he doesn’t want to do that, and I don’t want him to either. But he is committed to his job and team and he is great at what he does. I guess I am saying you can still be ambitious and have drive without earning lots of money. The other thing to consider is drive and ambition outside of his job - working on the house? the garden? etc… it doesn’t have to always be about work/ money.

I've never fulfilled my potential.

If you aren't happy, get divorced now (and I'd say this regardless of sex) as you'll be accruing assets faster than him and you will resent even more than you do currently. If you don't want to be "looking after" him in the future, definitely consider divorce now.

My DH left me wander about running the house and doing random jobs as it suited our lives but he was ok about it. Weirdly, my odd life choices have resulted in him being able to retire early but that doesn't sound the case here.

Resentment will kill your relationship.

You say he earns well compared to the majority of the population. How are you determining his potential, it sounds like he is doing well already if he is earning well.

I feel sorry for you that you believe success is selling your soul to a company who’d replace you with the click of a finger if you became ill or lost your life.

Money is important, but you sound like you aren’t exactly struggling. Your DP has probably realised that there is more to life than giving all your energy to a corporation.

He probably also suggested to be a stay at home dad because you clearly love your job.

While you’re at uni, you have hardly any life experiences. It’s not until you get out into the world that you see how ridiculous the system is, maybe he doesn’t want to buy into having ‘more more more’.

He sounds like a decent bloke, who’s earning a decent wage. Surely you fell in love with more than just his ‘ambition’.

I was always the ambitious high earner and my partner had a decent salary but he was never overly ambitious. He was always saying I work to live, not live to work and I remember getting so annoyed cause he could earn so much more if he wanted. But then we had kids and oh my god! So so glad he has a very flexible easy going job! He can always pick up and drop off the kids, take time off when needed! It’s a dream! We would never be able to have 3 kids otherwise!!

It's not actually that easy to get in to a high flying job. You only have to see the number of graduates who are never likely to earn over 45K, will never be on grad/fast schemes. A lot of it is about luck, confidence, personality.

Also, having seen your job be more like a lifestyle. If you were to have a family together, somebody has to be in a job that doesn't have to come first and if he wants to do that then it's an important job too, just not a paid one. Otherwise your option would be a nanny and neither parent seeing much of their kids. Perhaps there is a degree of recognition of this?

Yanbu.
You are not married and it sounds as if you are no longer compatible.

You met when you were young, and people change.

Start looking hard at this relationship and if you really want to be in it.

It's ok to say that you want someone else more aligned with your life goals.

He hasn’t lost his ambition- maybe his was never as great as yours in the first place
I think it’s more likely that he feels he no longer has to work as you do all that for him don’t you

I mean he’s being unreasonable to think he should automatically be a SAHD or you look after him financially but I don’t blame him for not wanting to go into a career with ‘silly hours’ either. Life is also for living and I’d much rather earn a little bit less and than do ridiculous hours.

I was ambitious when I was younger. Then I realised there was much more too life and I didn't want to spend all my youth working and saving for a retirement that might never happen. I'm enjoying a simpler, slower paced life in my 30s. I don't have a flash car or designer clothes, my home is basic but I have all I need and I'm content.
People change and grow, that's the difficulty with relationships starting when we're young. You either accept and embrace the changes in your DH or leave.

but if he’s in a job he hates then none of the comments make sense? He’s not settling happily into a less ambitious job, he’s failing unhappily. Or have I missed something?

Priorities change and, like PP have said, being ambitious to earn money as a teen and knowing the soul crushing reality as an adult are two different things.

Sounds like you're earning enough alone to avoid the poverty you grew up in. If over the long-term the household collectively earns well, does it matter if you're bringing in 70% and him 30%?

Do you love him as a person you want to see flourish in whatever way suits him (even if this means a lower paid job and a focus on pursuing unpaid hobbies/interests for fulfillment). Or do you love him as a person with potential to provide money/material things.

If the latter then sounds like it might not be a good fit for either of you.

my partner got a job in his 20s that he consistently hated/disliked. He’s still there in his 50s. He was too lazy to harness the energy involved in leaving. But he’s unhappy in the job

OP says he hated it when he took it. Perhaps after getting into the swing of things he found an appreciation for it? Or maybe he works with an incredible team and that connection now overrides the work itself.

Would your life be better without him?

I don’t think it’s unattractive if he could actually pull off being a full time parent that actually puts the effort in rather than one than would sit around and let them run riot. You could pursue all the hours and opportunities you wanted to knowing that your children were well taken care of. The trouble is you don’t know until they come along how great he’ll actually be at this!

And?

We've been doing exactly this for decades.

The "rise" of women means that men can take a back seat if they want to. Your situation is exactly what generations of women have fought the patriarchy for. We can now be the breadwinners. Instead of complaining, you should look at your partners lack of motivation as an endorsement of just how far we've come.

Or he’s just aware that he’s reached his ceiling of effort and it’s not that high. Loads of people reconsider their priorities in their late 20s/30s and don’t want to strive as long and hard. And if you’re both doing high flying, high stress jobs doing ‘silly hours’ I don’t see the point of having kids as neither of you will be around for them.

You say he earns well, just not as well as you. Why isn’t that enough for you?

How much more than him do you earn as a percentage? How much more time do you put in?

Why? There are many different ways to 'pull their weight' than just financially.

My DH is a high earner which enabled me to stay home and invest my time in bring up the children, looking after the home, which enabled him to progress his career.

I have a friend who is a partner if law firm, her DH became stay at home dad to look after child with learning difficulties, in both case we are more than pulling our weight!

I would argue that it's difficult for both partners in a relationship to maintain the hours required for a high flying career, especially once you have a family.

You both need to be happy with the arrangement, but I think it's quite normal for one partner to be the main earner and other partner to take on more of the family responsibilities.

People change! I was always hyper ambitious, now I'm older i value other things, and actually find money hunting a bit vacuous (although I'm very privileged to be able to earn fairly well working for myself and my husband does the same). I value time with my kids, hearing about their day, my partner and I have time for each other, we cook nice food, take a daily dog walk together. All the little parts of our day that we love would've been impossible in the hyper competitive corporate jobs we started in.
If you no longer find your husband attractive, or if those qualities he has developed aren't attractive to you then maybe he's not the right long term partner to have a family with- you have to grow together. If you love him, can you see any positives in this less ambitious him, can you love the way he wants to be a father and nurture your children (which will allow you to be as ambitious as you wish)? Are there other qualities you love about him?
Nobody has done anything wrong here, he has grown, changed and become less money driven/ less ambitious, you haven't changed in your desires for a wealthy, work focussed life style - if you don't match anymore, deal with that ASAP but you can't blame him for changing or developing in his desires.
Sit down and discuss these things, or you'll end up frustrated (both of you), there is a 24/7, hire a nanny, rarely see your kids, utilise boarding school, take limited mat leave and stay work focussed lifestyle or a work part time, be with your kids all the time, cook for them, grow veg for them etc lifestyle and everything in between - you need to know what it all looks like and what works for both of you and if its not a match, do not have kids!! He will feel just as disheartened by a family life where he never sees you, and you only ever work as you will be by his lack of earning potential and drive - so it's in both your interests to agree a future you both love.