To feel sad I dont have husband

[cetaphilgirl]

I'm just turning 38 and the feelings of sadness that consume me about not being married and not having children (tho the not married part is actually worse) have become unbearable.

I find it hard to believe that not all women my age feel this way, and I'm convinced it's a natural feeling to want this. It's human nature to want a family and to belong.

I do have healthy long standing friendships and close family relationships, but that doesn't give me any security of emotional fulfilment. I also have a fulfilling job that feels rewarding.

I have two AIBU:

1. Am I being unreasonable to think that I need to have a husband/partner to truly feel fulfilled in life?
2. Can I stop being so sad about this? It never goes away.

Are you dating?

I’m not sure that a partner is the answer to your unhappiness but you aren’t unreasonable to want one.

If you’re not dating, do you do anything to meet men and ask them out? Ime you have to put the effort in to increase your odds in the same way that you look for new jobs.

Are you dating and have you had short or long-term relationships in the past?

You are unreasonable to think that you need a husband to feel fulfilled in life. It’s no one else’s responsibility to make you feel fulfilled. Also if you pin all your happiness on being married and having children you’re going to at some point crash when you realise it doesn’t live up to your expectations.

I think it’s society that tells women it’s what we want.

Duplicate post.

Single women live longer than married women. Whilst married men live longer than single men. Single women recover quicker after heart attacks than married women. Women are more likely to stay with a partner during a cancer diagnosis, men are more likely to leave.

You’re not unreasonable to think you won’t be fulfilled until you have a husband and children because society wants you to think that, see above. We need someone to keep all these important men alive. I’m married by the way and with a partner that does his share but the stats don’t work well for married women.

Similar age here. I think it's totally natural to want to feel like you belong, but unreasonable to think that you need a partner to fulfil that for yourself.

Perhaps explore what you are feeling and finding ways to fulfil it without relying on an external person. It can be a difficult mind shift, but it may help you reframe things.

For me I absolutely love spending time with my nieces and nephews, but I also love the peace and quiet when I'm not with them as well. Being with them doesn't inspire me to have my own children, even though I love them and would do absolutely anything for them.

I enjoy the emotional connection I have with friends and family members, but I also enjoy the freedom of deciding things totally on my own..if I want a totally lazy pajama day one Sunday, then I can do that, or if I want to go out at 2am and stargaze, I can do that too without having to explain my desire to anyone.

You may never have one. You very well may do in future but it's not a guarantee.

You need to focus on creating the best life possible for yourself and by living an enjoyable, eventful life, you will feel better and are also more likely to meet someone.

If you meet someone, it's a bonus.

If you don't, you still be fulfulled if you fill your life with everything else that makes you happy.

I think some people are happy with their own company and others are not. So it's not an "all women" scenario here.

You want a relationship and kids so that's perfectly natural way to feel when its what you want.

I'd echo what others say and ask are you actively dating?

I will say though life doesn't always turn out the way we planned and I think it's really important that we somewhat plan to be ok with that if it doesn't pan out. Easier said than done though

The thing is, I have spent so much effort in building an enjoyable life. I travel to dream destinations, yet while I'm there it still feels empty. I enjoy it, but cant help think it would have been nice to have a partner to travel with. Even tho I have plenty friends who I like.

How does your life look generally? Because a partner should be a bonus to the life you have already, not a quick fix.

The thing is, I dont understand why? I feel like my personality and looks are not off putting, and it doesnt make sense why I'm still single....

I cant identify why I feel sad about this..

Its great. I have a job I like, financial stability, active social life etc

Have you tried manifesting what you want?

I do think there is something about giving off the right vibes, so to speak. It’s something I’ve started looking into.

Single

Was engaged

Two fabulous kids

Could not be happier

A husband is not everything!!!!!

But are you dating? You say you've put a lot of effort into building an enjoyable life, which is great, but how much of that effort have you put into looking for a partner? Have you had relationships in the past?

YANBU to feel sad - but you only need to spend 5 minutes on MN to realise some men really arent worth marrying anyway.

The things is, I dont want solutions on how to find a man, I want to stop feeling like I need to. The sadness is consuming.

I found a husband and had kids and honestly I thought he was great. Until he cheated ten years in. So even if you do find someone, they can shit on you from a great height anyway. He turned out to be a waste of my time.

Everyone is different. You want a husband and kids so I’d say you’ll feel unfulfilled without them. It’s unfortunate and I’m sure you’re not alone.

Im 37 and single and tbh I don't feel how you do. Sometimes I think it would be nice to have a partner, but then my friends moan about what their partners get up to and I think I'm very lucky I can do whatever I want!
In my case I know the reason I don't have a partner is mostly me though, I hardly fancy anyone, I go on tonnes of first dates but hardly ever want to see them again 🙈
I think when you don't have something you want you can forget the shit bits. My ex was lovely, we split up as we wanted different futures, but I am so so glad I don't have to make time and make an effort for someone else's friends and family as I found that very draining. I don't have to share my bed with a snoring man or clean a toilet someone else has made dirty!

While it's very difficult indeed to change how you feel about wanting a partner, it's not so difficult to actively try dating. Plenty of people do it; some have a horrible experience, but conversely most of the younger and older couples I've met who got together in recent years first met via dating apps online and are happy.

Okay, I have all that you list you are yearning for. I have been married for almost 20 years since I was 22. I have a son, a dog, multiple holidays, a home I own outright, nice car. Do you want to know how that feels for me and how it has for, oh I don’t know, 5/6 years? It feels like a plastic bag is held loose around my head and I can only struggle for breath. Trapped. Missing out.

I will never experience the freedom of youth like you have, the autonomy to do whatever I like, whenever I choose. Everything u do has to be run past someone else, they get a say in everything I do.

Of course, there have been times where it has been nice to ‘lean on’ someone, to experience life’s downs with and sometimes life’s ‘ups’, but you now are free to do whatever it is you like. There will come a time where you will meet someone, you very well might get married but you will have had the best of both worlds and god I envy you that.

I used to feel I needed a man to be fulfilled so I do get it. Now though I think I’m better off single and had listened to all the women who told me to make myself happy and if a man fits in great but don’t seek a man to make you happy because they will just suck you dry.

Absolutely this.
I was single for a LONG time before I met my DH. But if I hadn't, I'd have had a perfectly enjoyable life doing the things I wanted to do, on my own terms.

I have a single friend who hasn't met "the one" but was keen to be a mother, she would be a similar age to OP. She opted for a donor egg/sperm and now has a beautiful baby who she adores.

Your life should be fulfilling as a single person - adding a partner or spouse is, as @Baguetteandcheese says, a bonus. If things feel empty, then you're not necessarily doing the right things.

Have mine. I’ll happily post him to you.