To feel sad I dont have husband

[cetaphilgirl]

I'm just turning 38 and the feelings of sadness that consume me about not being married and not having children (tho the not married part is actually worse) have become unbearable.

I find it hard to believe that not all women my age feel this way, and I'm convinced it's a natural feeling to want this. It's human nature to want a family and to belong.

I do have healthy long standing friendships and close family relationships, but that doesn't give me any security of emotional fulfilment. I also have a fulfilling job that feels rewarding.

I have two AIBU:

1. Am I being unreasonable to think that I need to have a husband/partner to truly feel fulfilled in life?
2. Can I stop being so sad about this? It never goes away.

I’m really sorry you’re feeling like this. Just to offer some thoughts. I think that like most things in life there are benefits and downsides to being married just as there are to being unmarried or having kids/not having kids etc. There is no one option that will be entirely fulfilling and satisfactory in every respect. I can guarantee there will be married women looking at your life and thinking what they’d give for that. I don’t mean you’re being unreasonable to feel the way you do. But that sometimes we can look at people and feel we are missing out on something and they are looking back at us and our lives feeling the exact same thing. You have maybe constructed a version of life in your mind of what could’ve been but that version isn’t real. I genuinely think fulfilment comes from within. You said the sadness is consuming and I wonder if it might be worth having therapy of some kind to work things through as I think the answer to feeling better is reframing things in your mind. Best wishes.

But you say you think it's natural to feel like this. You clearly want a relationship. You don't need one, obviously -- no one does. But you say the sadness 'never goes away' and that your happiest moments are spoiled by wishing you had a partner. So, why not see if putting some effort into finding a relationship helps with that, rather than wishing you didn't feel like that?

Spend more time on mumsnet reading about the real princes the women on here marry through pure desperation you will soon be so happy to be single

I used to think it would be nice to have a husband and have that partnership, when I was around your age (I’m 46). But now, I couldn’t think of anything worse. None of my friends are happy with their partners, some are awful men, some are just meh men. I’m sure there are happy women with good partners, but you only have to read on here or have honest conversations with women to see that it’s really not all it’s cracked up to be. We’ve been conditioned to think that getting married and having children is the be all and end all, it’s not. I know that doesn’t help you, but I do hope you find happiness.

Sounds like you're in a fortunate position of being able to have a good life without a partner. Many women need to have a partner in order to buy a house. And many partners are pretty dire.

However, there's no point in trying to change how you feel about it. You want a partner, so look for one. Treat it like looking for a job at a time of mass unemployment. Difficult but not impossible.

Close friendships can be just as rewarding as romanic ones. I laugh SO much when I am with my friends (and bros/sisters), they are a constant source of intellectual and social satisfaction - and there's no pressure, no expectations there like there is in a marriage.

Think about all the married people who are desperately unhappy - half of marriages end in divorce, still further more are 'stuck' in their unhappy marriage. Some have lost most or all of their financial stability. Marriages that truly work seem rather rare. I've decided it's just mot for me.

I'm sorry that you feel this way, you are not unreasonable, but I'm afraid this is one of those "count your blesdings" situations.

I felt like this at 37 and 38.

I felt lonely. I felt a had missed a stage of life and I couldn't understand why. Why had I not had a long close relationship with a man as a proper adult (not 20s)? Why was I not building a family and all the complications that go with it?

Prior to this I felt I wasn't allowed acknowledge these feelings, I had to keep painting on the happy face and focusing on the good stuff. I'm a naturally positive person and I had a fulfilled interesting life.

I think it's important to acknowledge your feelings. And then, you will naturally let them go. Because life never stays the same. You may or may not meet someone, your feelings may change etc. Accept today this is how you feel and know that this is just today.

I know that sounds fluffy but it's how I found peace.

Please don't, I have one and believe me it's not all it's cracked up to be!

Nobody, man or woman, needs a relationship but it’s absolutely normal and okay to want one, to have someone to share your life with and have experiences with.

It’s not something you can force other than the obvious going on dates etc and the usual advice of building a life you enjoy which it sounds like you already have. Try to make peace with what you have while hoping for what you want, maybe therapy?

Yes, this is one of the things I most appreciate about mumsnet. When you watch TV and media, it's all about what a great time everyone is having, how great their relationships are and how successful they are.

Reading mumsnet is a reality check.

I suspect that there is a feeling of missing out.

Long story but I had a long term girlfriend who never moved in with me.

When I got fed up and ended it I them met & married a woman who turned out to be abusive, it was really I think because I wanted to experience living with a woman.

Since that rather off-putting and expensive experience I have been happily married for nearly 20 years.

I just want to acknowledge your feelings. It's all very well all us happy singles to say single life is wonderful, and for others to point out that many relationships don't measure up to the ideals in your head, But you are allowed to feel sad, you are allowed to feel that life is letting you down somehow.

This.

Having a husband won't automatically make you happy. A lot of marriages make people very unhappy.

I can understand the wish for a loyal and equal partner to share the challenges of life with, but all you can do is date and increase your chances of meeting someone lovely.

I'm 62 and unmarried. I have a wonderful son but I have never met a man I trusted enough to join my life with. I have never regretted my decision to turn down two proposals.

Over the last 10 years, five of my married friends have asked me how I manage by myself, because they are desperate to escape unhappy marriages, but struggling with mortgages/ housing costs etc.

My home, my and my son's happiness and security are far more valuable than the trophy of "a husband".

Keep dating but don't settle for someone you know isn't right. Have a child by yourself if that is what you want.

Your feelings are your own, OP, and they are very real, and therefore come from a real place. This is clearly very important to you and it's totally understandable why you're as upset as you are.

The only way to alleviate this pain is to try to obtain that what your heart desires. A loving partnership and a family.

You have tried the other route - to accept what you have - and yet your pain persists. You may eventually have to accept this as your reality if your dreams don't come to fruition, but you are still young, and the world is still your oyster!

So I would focus on those hobbies you enjoy - go out and do them with a passion! It is easily the simplest way to meet potential suitors - you already have something in common! My personal advice would be to avoid dating apps. I have known many of my friends use them and only in the rarest of situations do relationships derived from them last beyond a few years.

Good luck, OP! You will need it, but this dream is still worthwhile and still within reach. Don't lose hope!

Hi OP, you have so many positives and achievements, long may that continue.
Please don't ever underestimate those.
In the past, I remember looking at couples who seemed to have something I didn't which compounded my desires.
Are you actively seeking out dating opportunities, ie dating sites etc?
I know that they have worked for many.
Important not to come across as being very needy. I'm not suggesting that you are and there are several people wanting to meet someone.
Rather than compare, please start each day with acknowledgement of your attributes and achievements. There are so many positives in your life.
Take care OP

The patriarchy tries to convince women that they need men for self fulfillment. The evidence shows that on average women's wellbeing decreases when being married while mens increases because on average marriage is a way for men to extract women's labour to bolster their own wellbeing. There's also evidence to show having children especially yoing children makes you less happy. I would say on balance my partner improves my life but I don't think that's the case for the average woman and I'd be very happily single for the rest of my life if my relationship didn't work out due to the high level of entitled and abusive men out there.

Have not RTWT (a MN sin, I know) but have you had romantic relationships? I know you say you're not looking to meet a man but ...

Have you had a medium or even long term man in your life? If not, that might be a bucket list item.

Either you'll find a great one and in 2-5yrs you'll have all these things you crave OR you'll meet some MN reject men (lawdy, there are some grim ones) and swear off men.

At a minimum, get on some of those (horrible, shallow?) OLD apps and have a load of FWB/ONS experiences. Either that will cure you through meeting toads OR you'll find a true prince. If you're travelling lots, are you going on 'singles' holidays - they don't all have to be to Mykonos, some of them are a little more 'intellectual'.

Wise words with the exception of having a child by yourself OP.
Your loneliness will increase and unfair to have a child to fill the void.
Fwiw, I know 2 work colleagues who met their LTPs through dating sites although I have heard of several negative experiences too.

I have felt similar and I think the crux of the issue for me at least is that it’s my ego talking.

It stings not being “chosen” or having what other people have. But you potential husband and children are other human beings who shouldn’t exist just to fulfil you.

You can feel your feelings but you will have to learn to fulfil yourself. I also think that if you are happy in yourself you attract people to you.

Not all women feel that way. I’m early 40’s, happily single with no intention of ever settling down or having kids.

The thought of being married and having children makes me shudder!

I’ve not read the full thread but as a divorced 45 year old with 3 children who is now navigating life single (for nearly ten years now) I want to say being married or with the wrong person is so much worse than being alone. But it’s hard. And all of your feelings are valid. Just be careful what you see as a win… the goal is not a husband, the goal is peace and happiness. I wish you all of that, however it may come

Happily single and will be till the day I die.

I don't think you are unreasonable to feel like you do, not reaching a goal in life you have always craved is pretty disheartening.

But...you still may find a husband and have a child, then again you may not, so finding ways to deal with it is in your own hands.

I could say count your blessings, you do have a rich life, but ultimately, everyone has to make peace with what they have/don't have, contentment can only come from within.

Some of the happiest women I know are long term single with no kids. Grass is always greener and all that.