To feel sad I dont have husband

[cetaphilgirl]

I'm just turning 38 and the feelings of sadness that consume me about not being married and not having children (tho the not married part is actually worse) have become unbearable.

I find it hard to believe that not all women my age feel this way, and I'm convinced it's a natural feeling to want this. It's human nature to want a family and to belong.

I do have healthy long standing friendships and close family relationships, but that doesn't give me any security of emotional fulfilment. I also have a fulfilling job that feels rewarding.

I have two AIBU:

1. Am I being unreasonable to think that I need to have a husband/partner to truly feel fulfilled in life?
2. Can I stop being so sad about this? It never goes away.

it may be different for different people, though for myself I cannot imagine not being fulfilled unless I had a husband or partner.

While we women do receive lots of messages to that end, my take on it is that society would not bother unless there was no natural reason for us to think so.

it does require some mental effort to live counter to societal expectations, it is all the more rewarding for doing so.

If no other interesting ways of fulfilment immediately suggest themselves to you, I’d encourage you to do something else, walking works for me and allow your imagination to suggest some ideas.

Don’t stress about it, relax your concern of missing out and allow some ideas to occur to you. Give it some time and space without the thought that your situation is hopeless and trudy that over time lots of opportunities will show up.

if this seems impossible, try working out what benefit your sadness is providing so that you can allow yourself to give it up in return for all the other things which then become possible.

Enjoy

But if she wants a fulfilling relationship, she's not unreasonable to feel lacking without that. Ideally you would lead a great life alone and not want for anything but most people crave and need deep emotional, sexual connection.

Met my now husband at 38 two children and an emergency marriage later living how I always dreamed I would .
It’s not about one specific person, it’s about you both wanting the same long term goals and getting on well.

yanbu for wanting that but I think the reality is very, very few men actually make good partners and husbands. Women always end up doing more work, being taken for granted and that’s normally best case scenario.
worst case- you spend half your life with someone who turns out to be a lying, cheating, abusive arsehole. Trust me, you’re better off.

Was going to say this as well. If it wasn't for my children I wouldn't put up with him. Not abusive just really hard to live with and increasingly so as he gets older.

try volunteering , online dating putting there very honest data and pictures and stating you are dating only for serious relationship and don't be too choosy with his looks or salary level. You only need a decent moral male with a caring soul

Most men are sexually healthy and attraction can grow

I do think it's a valid feeling, when you are single it can feel like the world is designed for 2 and sometimes there's only so much you can do on your own before it loses it's fun.
But you also have to put yourself out there and that is hard to do, and it's hard when you do it and still don't really get anywhere.
For children if it's something you really want to do, would you look into going it alone ? Lots of women do now and just a read on here will tell you that even if you didn't intend to do it alone you still may be having to do so, and even with partners /husband's women do the majority of the work for children.

I suspect it massively depends on your dating history. All of the single mums I know are happy solo as they had been married and obviously it wasn't all it was cracked up to be. I know several solo mums through choice who are also happy - although it is obviously hard work.

If you have had great relationships in the past and have high expectations from a partner you probably do feel a void, sadly I just don't know many single women who pass 30 without mostly having had bad relationships, or they would still be married!

I was on track (married with kids) but then the marriage imploded in a way I never saw coming. I am your age and single again op, I don't suppose my situation offers you any comfort...I think my main point is that things can turn on a pin head for any of us at any time.

I am just trying to work on myself now, and being the best person I can be in the context I am in. I am knackered and broken from the end of a marriage which is tough in a totally different way,

Hope the other posters are able to validate your feelings/offer advice if its helpful.x

I’m married and desperately wish I wasn’t and intend never to be involved with a man again when I finally escape.

You can have my husband though - might do us both a favour!

That's your experience, it's not mine.
You may be better off single, doesn't mean millions of women don't want to find a good life partner....and do.

One of my oldest friends was like you. She was desperate to have a husband to the point she asked everyone she met if they had single male friends. She got married in her fifties and is living a blissfully happy newlywed life. I on the other hand have been with my partner almost two decades and the one before that for one decade and have never been proposed to or engaged. She was envious of what I have but it’s imperfect and irritating often. I miss being single but the problem isnt really relationship status it’s making assumptions of how things ought to be by now. Stop thinking there are ought tos to life or that in your 30s you’re past it.
my 98 year old neighbour got engaged two years ago but decided it was modern enough times to live in sin (her words) Hinestly
life is too fast to worry about what you don’t have, you’ll be missing what you do

Im 39 and ive been single for almost 12 years, no dating no sex nothing, and ive never been happier with my life.
The times i have felt down was the times i had a partner.
I read MN and think ive very lucky im single.
There is good men out there and im sure you will find one, but for me im happy on my own.

You can feel how you want op but be carful what you wish for.

Your feelings are your feelings op. YANBU.

I knew from a very early age that fulfilment for me would be married with kids. Just because lots of people marry dickheads, doesn’t mean happy marriages aren’t possible.

You are still young and there is still time for that to happen to you. Just don’t have a rigid checklist in your head about who might be ‘your’ person. Be open to nice men in all the different packages.

@cetaphilgirl I feel a bit like this though have kids. I hate when people say you should be happy on your own. I have loads of friends, great career, home, lovely kids, and i look decent. But cant meet anyone! Definitely feels like a failure.

I think to believe that the only way to feel truly fulfilled is to be with a romantic partner is very sad and limiting. I respect your feelings, but I think it's sad that you are not enough for you to find fulfilment

No, I don't think you will be able to stop feeling sad about it, because you believe its the only way

You could try therapy to try to work out why you feel this way. But whilst you DO feel this way, you'll always be sad imo

Yanbu but you are hugely romanticising - which is very easy to do when you don't have something.

I wasted 2 decades of my life with my ex H, his behaviour took me very close to death. Almost half of marriages end in divorce. There are obviously happy marriages and families but if it goes wrong, the stakes are VERY high.

Check out the stats for women in marriages vs single women. It's very revealing!

If you want a baby make it happen with a donor. You could still meet someone one day.

Focus on other things.

I'd love to go back to my 30s, I would not get married ever again, I will tell you that!

Surprised by the YABU vote.

Obviously if you want something and cannot have it, you will feel unfulfilled and fixated on that thing. That doesn’t mean having a man is the most important thing in life or your whole reason for being. But it’s clearly a big deal, it’s a milestone.

If you’d said you feel unhappy without having friends, it wouldn’t be questioned and you’d be encouraged to make those connections. For some reason, wanting a romantic relationship isn’t seen as a valid goal.

YANBU - the right relationship could be around the corner but the uncertainty is what makes it tough imo.

But the OP isn't asking if having a romantic partner is a valid goal

The OP is saying it's the only way she can see that she'll ever live a fulfilling life

To me, that's crazy talk

But I appreciate that for the OP, she has convinced herself that this is true

But the OP says she doesn’t want advice on finding a man, she just wants not to want one. Despite spending her OP talking about how natural she thinks it is, and that she struggles to believe every woman of her age doesn’t.

Which explains the vote.

I think that 38 is a hard age to be single - it can really feel like your time is running out, that you need to meet someone NOW.

But you can't force it. It will just happen when it happens. And if it doesn't, you will make your peace with that too. But I think it can take a while to reach that place, if that makes sense.

YANBU. One can absolutely live a fulfilling life as a single person, but it's also perfectly normal to want a nice loving relationship, and to feel sad if you don't currently have one.

OP, can I ask if you have any insight as to why you haven't met the right person yet? What have you done so far to find a relationship? If you want a relationship, great! But you'll need to be pro-active about finding one.

YANBU.

I truly believe most people would rather be in a happy relationship with ‘their person’ than be single.

This has nothing to do with society telling us we need a man, but the reality is, my DH does enhance my life greatly.

It sounds like you’re ticking all the other life boxes, and you’d love to meet your person to finish it off.

Not unreasonable at all OP. I hope it works out for you.

I felt like you once. Then I got a husband and realised that it’s exactly like getting a promotion or they say lottery winners feel - once the novelty has worn off you feel very much exactly as you did beforehand.

There’s nothing especially fulfilling about having one. You return to your ‘baseline’ level of happiness and the only thing that changes that is doing deep work in therapy (I have changed mine significantly for the better this way).

I decided not to have children in the end so I can’t really comment on that.