To feel sad I dont have husband

[cetaphilgirl]

I'm just turning 38 and the feelings of sadness that consume me about not being married and not having children (tho the not married part is actually worse) have become unbearable.

I find it hard to believe that not all women my age feel this way, and I'm convinced it's a natural feeling to want this. It's human nature to want a family and to belong.

I do have healthy long standing friendships and close family relationships, but that doesn't give me any security of emotional fulfilment. I also have a fulfilling job that feels rewarding.

I have two AIBU:

1. Am I being unreasonable to think that I need to have a husband/partner to truly feel fulfilled in life?
2. Can I stop being so sad about this? It never goes away.

But isn’t that because you’re interpreting it as a “failure” when it isn’t?

I think how you’re feeling is completely normal and understandable. I always felt strongly that I needed to create my own happiness, earn my own money, live my own life. And I did, and had lots of enjoyable times. But when I met my now DH, that ‘something missing’ feeling just completely went away. I felt like - rationally- something shouldn’t have ‘felt missing’ in the first place- I didn’t need a man to feel complete, I was outraged at that idea! But the simple truth was, I felt happy/content in an entirely different way when I met him. I don’t mean this to make you feel worse- I just think trying to deny the feeling like I did for ages, doesn’t really help. Of course being single is better than being with an awful person- but that’s not what you’re talking about. And of course some people are entirely happy single, am not suggesting everyone needs a partner! But for you, that yearning- it’s natural, and normal, and honestly you’re human - and of course sharing your life with someone you love and get on with is something you want. I wouldn’t fight the feeling. You’re allowed to be sad, but also- there is every chance you will meet someone and have exactly that life, if it’s what you want.

i am unsure how you can stop feeling sad about it OP.

@wheresmymojo very true, im pretty sure loads of people on the outside think my life is a success as I have little financial worries, a great relationship with family and friends. However I do find myself looking at happy couples thinking why couldn't I have that? Especially as i meet loads of dads on the school run so i often see where people are sharing the load, or parties where its just me amongst lots of couples, and that just reminds me im on my own. For reference I have had relationships before and several would have married me but I knew they weren't right for me. I just can understand why the op feels that way at times.

I am married with children and honestly look at my many single colleagues (from 20’s- 50’s) and I am genuinely envious of their freedom!! They travel more, have more money, and can do exactly what they want, when they want. They are all an amazing advert for being single. I love my children of course and wouldn’t change that for the world, but I find the worry of being financially responsible for them all sometimes a bit much. And the endless cooking and washing 😁 Having a husband is in my case definitely overrated- always someone else to worry about and for me it is not unfortunately an equal partnership.

You feel how you feel and I’m not sure why there are so many telling you how n you should feel. I completely get why you would feel that way you do. You want something, maybe you had some expectations about getting married and having kids when you were younger which have not happened yet. That is sad and disappointing. The thing is though those emotions can be worked with and you can deal with the sad emotions and still have a good life. It is a grief when things don’t turn out how you planned and accepting that grief and taking life as it is really does help with those empty feelings you have - I suspect they are grief for what it is worth.

Your life sounds great and there will come a time when you can focus back on that and really enjoy life but for the moment you need to get through this phase and accept where things are. Obviously though all of this might change for you in the future too, hope is a nice thing too.

My friend met her partner during the month she turned 40, they have bought a house and she had a baby just before her 42nd birthday. There is still time for you.

I agree with this. There are women out there in mutually harmonious, loving relationships, but I do think they’re in the minority. Or that they are perhaps in ignorant bliss.

No one knows what anyone other than themselves are capable of and the fact they are so happy could be bc their other half has a side piece (virtual or physical) who is keeping their need for sexual excitement tended to while their wife or partner sees to the ‘homely stuff’ and satisfies that part for them.

Men are masters at compartmentalising and I think few are 100% happy to remain physically/ emotionally devoted to a woman who gets fed up having to usually manage a household and children pretty much alone, naturally ages or god forbid bears their children, ‘ruining’, or at least changing her once desirable young body.

It’s natural to want what you don’t have, and to see other ppl in different situations than you who seem to be happier. But they’re usually not. What you witness are snippets of their lives where they may or may not be genuinely happy. Only they know the reality.

Needless to say never go by what their socials are telling you.

My advice is to embrace the things that wouldn’t be possible if you were tied to a relationship or responsible for children. Things that ppl who are would love to experience. Make the most of the happiness that is available to you and seek it out!

Nobody can say YABU because you feel how you feel.

Find something else to focus on.
Animal cruelty, Religion, Global warming etc etc.

CJ?

You couldn’t pay me to get married.
I genuinely couldn’t think of anything worse.

So far as if I see someone getting married or talking about it, I immediately feel sad for them even if they’re really happy.

I have been proposed to and I’ve ended the relationship over it as I am very clear about it.

I know people a similar age who’ve been married multiple times.
They get engaged literally after a few days.
Being married doesn’t mean anything.

What will you get out of being married?

If you want a relationship then you are going to have to put yourself out there more.

I hear you OP

Around 35, I had a great job, nice flat, plenty friends, good holidays etc. But i was v lonely and really wished for a husband and family

As it happened, I did meet someone and we have two children. But could easily have not turned out that way. And didn't, for some of my friends

My suggestion would be to make the best of the life you have eg appreciate that you can go on holiday in school term time. Develop and maintain strong female friendships. Focus on your health

Also, I'm mindful that for some of my friends who married young and seemed to have it all, life became harder later on. Quite a few of them are widowed, or divorced, or unhappily married, or have sick children etc. So, husband and children are no guarantee of a happy and fulfilling life

Husband and children are no guarantee of a happy and fulfilling life

Exactly.

In fact nothing at all can guarantee a happy and fulfilling life for me apart from:

me, my mindset, my outlook, my thoughts, my emotions, my choices

If you want help in understanding or changing your feelings then counselling might help you?

We are all different. I have been married twice and really am far happier single. I have been single since 2010 and am very happy in my own company.

It sounds like you want to feel like I do when I travel alone. I think “thank god I can just do whatever I want without having to compromise or deal with a partner’s issues”. I think it is a basic personality trait though.

I agree with PP, it’s probably better to acknowledge your feelings rather than try to quell them. They aren’t wrong or invalid.

If you really want a partner @cetaphilgirl you go out there and get yourself one. Make it a campaign or project, but keep your sense of humour and make sure you keep your bar high. Nothing good will come from making a choice out of desperation. Good luck. 💐

*In fact nothing at all can guarantee a happy and fulfilling life for me apart from:

me, my mindset, my outlook, my thoughts, my emotions, my choices*

This is such a good point but it does exclude that there are often normal periods of grief in being a person. External stuff can happen that no amount of rosy thinking can fix and maybe this is a period where the OP might need to do a bit of grieving and that is ok.

There are women out there in mutually harmonious, loving relationships, but I do think they’re in the minority.

From what I’ve seen, it’s women in happy loving equal relationships with children that seem to be in the minority. Most women seem to end up with one or the other. I’ve been happily married to a wonderful man for 35 years but we weren’t able to have children.

It’s really tough OP. I have been single a long time. I think the issue is more societal expectations, often being the odd one out. Companionship would be good but the harder thing is the regular assumptions that everyone has a partner etc. Try to keep your chin up, build your other relationships. You are not less than, in fact you are strong

This is a great answer

Because the OP says she’s unhappy, but then says she just wants to change her mindset and not feel as she does, rather than explore ways to try to get the thing whose lack she says is making her unhappy.

I think your feelings are valid. I think the only way you can get out of that feeling is

1. doing something about it
2. feeling it and journaling and zoning in on that feeling until it passes - whilst staying content with your life choices

I think if you are at a place where you have everything you need career wise and financially, then take steps to work towards a long term relationship. As you are dating, and meeting men (and if you meet bad ones along the way, they is part of the experience and should remind you that you are in a good place and really don’t need a man) hopefully it takes your mind off the feeling of sadness.

Whenever I felt that way, I would action it. I do that with everything. If I feel I’m not doing well in my career, then I figure out what I can do and I make a plan and action it. The same goes for the moments I’ve been single - BUT do not ignore gut feeling and red flags, and don’t rush into anything or act out of desperation.

I do think some of what you are feeling is biological, and the child free section of MN talks about these feelings. But you need to think about what you want. Is it the husband? The kids? Both? The aesthetic? The lifestyle? The company? And work towards it.

Absolutely agree.

And if I may be a little controversial (perhaps) it's perfectly possible to be fulfilled and feel sad or discombobulated or angry.

Feeling fulfilled is about me. And everything i am and everything i create etc

But , for me, its not possible to be fulfilled by the presence of someone else. However much we want to be, or however nice a person they are

@cetaphilgirl - how are you feeling about this today?

It’s natural and biology to want a mate. Your feelings are valid.

I don't think you're unreasonable at all, I don't think we were built to be alone.

I met my Husband at 27, I'm now 39 and he is without doubt the best thing that has ever happened to me and I love being married. I think if I wasnt I'd feel just like you do.