To be furious and devastated to be told by parents they are giving their business and family home to loser brother?

[brightongirldownunder]

I've just had a call from my mum to tell me this and I'm totally broken. I can cope with the business but the family home? True they need to move as its far too big for them, but to have made the decision without even asking my opinion? I'm the eldest and my brother has always been a scrounger. he's never had an honest job in his life and it cripples me that he, his wife and 2 kids will be calling that home theirs. My mum insists they have not been given it for good but knowing my brother he will find a way around this. The saddest thing is that I've always been there for parents and was hoping that we may have had the chance to rent the house from them if we move back to the UK next year as our house in Brighton far too small now we have DD. There is absolutely no way I can ever go back to family home with brother and family in it. God I'm so upset... Am I being a spoilt brat (at 36?) Please someone tell me this isn't normal for parents to do this?

I love my feckless brother and think that my parents have used money to control him over the years - ruining his life in the process. Their lovely house and business can never compensate him for that, and he will most likely fritter it away.

My DB went to university, started a course he was not suited to, repeated each year over and over and never got a degree. They made every daft excuse imaginable and fully funded him for ten years as a spectacularly unsuccessfull student. His confidence was shot to pieces by the time he dropped out and he had developed a dependence on weed. Over the years they have just kept on bailing him out and making excuses and he has never really grown up and faced reality. I think, that on some level, they like the fact that he is still dependent on them in his thirties.

I don't know if this is the case in your family Brightongirl, but it might ring some bells for others. Where there are people with problem behaviour there are often enablers who are locked into an unhealthy co-dependence.

bleedininheritance that is just ridiculous!

Upwind, agree with everything you say.

Some parents certainly use money as a form of control with their children, doing them no favours. It's selfish, needy parenting. It takes a very strong child (even adult) to walk away and refuse it.

Bleedininheritance - your dm may not in the event need any care. She may be run over by a bus. You may die before her and so not be in a position to care in any sense of the word. No point in making decisions about the future when you don't know what it holds.

UPDATE:-I've told my parents what I think about the situation and have insisted that they get a tenancy agreement written up stating that the initial period be for 1 year and that brother pay all utilities, council tax etc..
Got e-mail back saying my relationship with them was looking rocky.
Oh well, tried my hardest. Found out from sister that everyone else knew about this weeks ago, which even more hurtful, but agree I must now move on.

hmmm it really seems that you don't need the cash - and are just annoyed that it is going to your brother - which is a little sad. Why not try and get your folks to actually spend the money on themselves. It is my hope that when my parents go they have blown the lot and even owe money. That is what my sisters and I have told them - My DW has said the same to her folks - Seems such a stupid things to worry about - what someone else does with their Money. Aside from this issue do you normal get on with your brother?

To be fair brightongirl - I would be extremely hurt as you are, but it is your parents money, and whilst you can tell them how it makes you feel (justifiably so imo), you can't insist that they do anything.

Isn't it incredible how many people have 'situations' regarding inheritances in this way? My SIL told PIL not to leave any of their money to dh, as 'we'd got enough!'. She is a single mum, and has had things tough. However, she had a number of years at home with her dc, whilst I have always worked every hour God sent to contribute to our living. They actually said 'we've got three children, and they'll each get an equal amount'. Personally, I hope they spend and enjoy every last penny themselves.

Maybe you need to swallow your pride and explain how very difficult your own situation is?

How do your other siblings feel?

How did your other siblings feel about this? did you ask your sister.

Flashman if you read earlier posts you will see that my parents have always treated my brother with kid gloves, thereby wrecking any sort of relationship I have had with him. They are extremely frightened of him and what he'll do and thats what makes me sad. Of course I don't want their money - I want them to have a great life now that they are finally retiring. Giving my brother the business is not a good decision as he has no idea how to run one and I just hope the team can rise above him and keep it going. But I don't care about that as I would never have been able to run an advertising company anyway.
My parents have always enjoyed spending money and expect they will continue to do so. My DH and I are struggling in Oz as its so expensive but we're determined its going to be successful. I have never asked DP's for money unless its a short term loan.
Upwind - had enough pride swallowing, Think its time I just enjoyed being a mum and gave my partner some TLC. Other brother mysteriously quiet about the whole thing. My sister is devastated as my mum phoned her and told her to come home and clear all her stuff out of the house.
I just hate this control my brother has over them and am very scared he will leave them bankrupt at this rate..

Maybe you should make the point to your parents that they are free to do whatever they feel. However, if things go wrong in the future - which you can see happening - you are not going to be in a position to help them out.

Sorry you're going through this.

brightongirl, what a horrible situation to be in - I really feel for you. I would be utterly devastated in your shoes.

I think you've had some good advice on this thread though.

Yup I think I'll leave it at that. Thanks so much for all your advice. Will make sure my next thread is slightly more lighthearted!

Given the reaction from your parents, you probably need to get some counselling and prepare yourself for your brother to screw your parents over.

I would suggest that you send a final email (on this subject!) to your mum saying you understand the deal is now done, you are not happy about it and it has made things very difficult for you but that you love your parents (if this is true!) and will be there for them as much as you can.

Obviously, if your brother fritters away the house/company etc your parents will be in a difficult financial position and they will simply have to deal with that in due course.

What is it about brothers? A while back, my dad told my brother to start househunting, because they would 'buy him a flat' because, I had a house.

This ignores the fact that we have scrimped and saved and worked SO hard to pay for our house, while db is still a student (doing a PHD), and has expensive ski-ing holidays to the Alps. We go on holiday to Scotland when we ski!

With both my parents and dh's, they have taken the line that they want to 'even things up' between the siblings, which means because we have a house, we get nothing, and never will, even though my db has chosen to spend his money, not save. He has the latest techno equipment - ipods etc, gym membership, expensive holidays. Our clothes and shoes have holes in them (literally) because we can't at present afford to buy new ones. Yet he gets the handouts. And I am perfectly sure that when the time comes for any inheritance on either side, we will get little or nothing.

Hey tortoiseSHELL - can't they even things up on the holiday front for you!!

good idea, brighton. i'd let it go and go on living my life.

being far away makes it easier.

if they want to wreck everything by giving it to a feckless brother, well, more power to 'em.

but i wouldn't bail them out when it all went tits up, not that i'd ever be in a financial position to do so.

that's how we feel about the house.

BIL will get it, and like i said, he's such a wreck Kim and Aggie would run away screaming.

well, then, it's not my lookout when he gets in trouble with the council for being an environmental hazard.

My parents kind of take the line that 'we chose to have the children...'

I think it must be a very common problem. Doesn't make it any easier though brighton, does it. Sorry you're in such a sad position with your brother.

and remember, too, there is always a reason behind everything, it's just that sometimes we are not meant to know what that reason is.

Its a lesson to all of us as parents to treat our children equally, isnt it?

We are having the same problem with dh's sister. She is almost begging dh's mum to sell up so they can all lump their money together to buy a nice big posh house where sil desires. Apparently sil has decided that dh will get his inheritence when mil dies as she will then remortgage big posh house and pay dh the original half of the money We have a severely disablede child aswell and sil has had everything handed to her ona plate, business bought for her, one child minded by mil etc and we have asked for nothing.

Dh is so upset though but I think alot of it is almost their behaviour more than the money aspect, yet we couldnt half do with some of the green stuff also

Hi
Havn't read all your posts - but know how you feel. My mum announced that she and my dad planned to leave their house to my brother in their will and not share it between the three of us. My brother is not married and does not have kids and has always been a kind of peter pan type of person. My sister went mad and told my mum that she was punishing us for doing well (both me and my sister have fairly good jobs, good relationships and two kids each) My brother has always been pampered and treated like a child. After my sister spoke to them - they did change their will. My sister gets really wound up by their treatment of him - but I have just learnt to laugh at it over the years - otherwise it can really get you down...

It's the same with my brother. He has not had a full time job since leaving college and has always done odd jobs like cleaning/admin and charity work but he went to college for 4 yrs to train as a computer engineer and he can do it.
But he is on medication for anxiety because he thinks people are calling him gay and a poofter.
So because of this he says he can't work in a full time job.
He has NO interest in women or men and just lives for his computer, but he's not even a nerd.
My parents over the years have given him at least £20,000 and they don't even talk to him about having a job. He is 37 this year by the way.
I've worked since i was 18yrs old and have only had this 6yr break since having my DDs but my parents have told me that my brother would get the house as he needs it more.
It's got nothing to do with fairness, its all about need.
If you look too succesfull then you won't get anything.

oh dear..no you are not being unreasonable. Understand completely how you are feeling. why do parents do this? my mil gave her house to dh's brother for next to nothing(sold it to them for a fraction of its full worth) 2 years later they moved on and were living somewhere else mortgage free..whilst the other siblings struggled on financially..you can't help but feel a tad annoyed at parents who show favouritsim like this. still, what goes around comes around..you'll see...probably your scrounging brother won't have it in him to make a go of it....i'd definately tell your parent how upset you are..but in a polite way.its certainly not worth a big family fall out.

One thing this thread has done is persuade me that everything must be divided equally amoung our dc.

On this thread, it almost always seems to be brothers that are favoured. I wonder is there some old notions that daughters should find men to take care of them, while feckless sons remain their parents' responsibility into middle age?

A retired friend told me yesterday that she and her dh are still supporting his son from a previous marriage into his late fifties. Another student who never grew up.

God what is it with some parents??

Mine are exactly the same

My db has moved back with mummy for about the 3rd time and has had everything sorted out for him again. She has just paid off his Audi and he is riding around on a brand new Ninja bike. I know he can't get credit so who's paying for it i wonder

When he lived with his last gf (still together btw) my mum was paying for his AOL and Setanta subscription as well as his mobile phone contract. DH and i are skint atm as one of my mindees parents fecked off without paying the notice period but mu lovely parents wouldn't buy us so much as a loaf of bread

I also need to let it go as i would imagine he will get everything if anything happened to them. He is the favourite after all.

Seriously tho my mum can't stand my dad and has told me in the past she loves having her "boy" back as she likes the company. WTF??? I really want to tell her to get a life lol

aGalChangedHerName
My mum said exactly the same when my brother moved back in with them
When my sister confronted my parents about leaving the house to my brother - she said oh you and Elaine are really good at looking after yourself - your brother needs more help. The thing is I really like my brother - he is a laugh