To be furious and devastated to be told by parents they are giving their business and family home to loser brother?

[brightongirldownunder]

I've just had a call from my mum to tell me this and I'm totally broken. I can cope with the business but the family home? True they need to move as its far too big for them, but to have made the decision without even asking my opinion? I'm the eldest and my brother has always been a scrounger. he's never had an honest job in his life and it cripples me that he, his wife and 2 kids will be calling that home theirs. My mum insists they have not been given it for good but knowing my brother he will find a way around this. The saddest thing is that I've always been there for parents and was hoping that we may have had the chance to rent the house from them if we move back to the UK next year as our house in Brighton far too small now we have DD. There is absolutely no way I can ever go back to family home with brother and family in it. God I'm so upset... Am I being a spoilt brat (at 36?) Please someone tell me this isn't normal for parents to do this?

My sister has been benefited for running off to a ridiculous religious cult in her 20s, something that hurt my parents more than anything any of us ever did, in a sense although the will is equal between the three of us and my father's care organiser (another long story). Interesting comments on this thread - my sister says she hadn't realised we hadn't had the £100k or whatever she got over those 5 years and now she feels how unfair it is, but that she can't equalise it now (we wouldn't ask her to) because of her financial position. It was interesting that when the gifts stopped she then worked harder. So in a sense the support fro my father at the time didn't really benefit her but it probably ensured for him that she remained close to him perhaps. It might have been his plan.

But this basic point about do you treat children equally when you die or do you give more to the lazy stupid one who never worked hard or even to the one who happened to draw all the short straws in life and came out worse or whatever is an interesting one. I think ensuring pure equality is the only way to avoid dissension and that keeping harmony is more important than leaving it to the one most in need. Anyway everyone assumes I am best off and yet I'm the one with a mortgage of over £1m (although I would obviously never say I was poor). Parents often don't really know about the financial position of children which they think they do.

This is an interesting thread!

One of my SILs still lives with her parents. She made some bad choices/did stupid things when she was younger and is not in a position to rent, let alone buy a place of her own (has never moved out in fact...)

I understand my PILs have made a will which says that if they die she can live in the house for a year, then it is to be sold and divided equally between all siblings.

I often wonder how this would work out.... she has a ds and I am not sure her share of the proceeds would be enough to buy them someplace to live, whereas the other siblings all have their own houses, steady jobs, etc. It also seems unfair for the child to have to move out of his home. Obviously she would have a big deposit to put towards somewhere else or to subsidise her rent for a long time... Also a small part of me worries that she hasn't learned from her past mistakes and would fritter all the money away!

bgdo - tell them what you think now before it's too late & all decided. I've had relatives get money by devious means & I wish I could have anticpated this but because I'm decent & honest I could not have even imagined the lengths some people will go to. Not saying this is what's happening to you though!! but from my experience would say please state your case now.

It sounded as if the parents were just going to give them a right to live there for 5 years so the best plan is surely to get them to put it in joint names with both children now for tax reasons but with a right for the poor one to live there rent free for 5 years. Thus they appear nice to the poor one but legally are being fair to both and that seems consistent with what they were saying.

'But this basic point about do you treat children equally when you die or do you give more to the lazy stupid one who never worked hard or even to the one who happened to draw all the short straws in life and came out worse or whatever is an interesting one. I think ensuring pure equality is the only way to avoid dissension and that keeping harmony is more important than leaving it to the one most in need.'

I couldn't agree more. And I'm the one whose life is the giant cock up, nearly all my own fault.

I completely disagree with favouring the needier one - for whatever reason they are needy excepting disability which completely renders them unable to have worked the way the others could.

But just making mistake after mistake? No, I don't see it.

And I speak as someone whose adult life has been a catalogue of incompetence.

I've been thinking about this for a while, this and the other inheritance thread.
My Dad is elderly (82) but in very good health, still has all his wits about him.
I know as he's told me and my brother that everything will be split equally when the time comes.
I am single and on benefits, brother is very wealthy.
Yes, I have had more, Dad has helped me a few times and is taking us (dd and I) on holiday next week plus he often slips me a tenner. I don't ask for this but very much appreciate it.
I would though be horrified if I was left more in the will just because of my situation and I know my Dad would never do it.
Both GC (we have one child each) are getting the same in trust till they are 21 too so it really is equal.
As for the other thread about equity release, I know my Dad won't do it, he doesn't need to but I feel when I'm old I won't want to as I'll feel I should leave the property I'll have bought with my inheritance to my DD so she has the security I will have.

I have a very similar situation. My parents have announced that their business and house will be signed over to my feckless brother, leaving us with nothing. This is because "it is the only way he can have a chance of a career", given that he has never lasted long in any job and so that "the family home will stay in the family".

I realised there was nothing I could do about it and just have to accept that this is what will happen. They have also bailed him out of debt countless times. The big difference is that in my situation I have an excellent relationship with my brother. I think if it wasn't for his wife he would make sure everything was shared out evenly. And I don't resent her for preventing that either - she has her own dc to think of.

I did say to my parents, "well you know that now I won't be able to afford the time or space to help look after you in your old age, you are just going to have to rely on [DB and wife] to care for you!" They seemed shocked by that idea (DB and wife are unreliable at best) and could not understand that it is the realistic truth. We cannot afford more than a two bed private rental flat now and DH and I will both always have to work full time. Because we have never needed to ask them for help, they assume we are better off than we are.

there is no way we will be able to look after the ILs, either. we cannot afford it, either, we will both have to work till we drop and live in whatever is cheapest.

we cannot afford to live near them, either.

feckless BIL will let hte place fall down round him.

oh, well, not my house.

Upwind - at least you have been honest with them that you now can't help them and hopefully that is fuel for thought. I think that a lot of people have completely misguided ideas about family members' finances.

and a lot of these feckless people have absolutely no sense of personal responsibility.

i can't believe these people who leave the bulk of their estates to children who have proven time and again that they are incapable of accepting responsibility for their poor decisions and mistakes and then stopping such behaviour.

i cannot believe these siblings who would actually keep the bulk of money they didn't earn and stiff their own siblings, no matter WHAT their siblings' financial situation.

how shocking.

I won't be looking after my Dad, it's not what he wants so when what he has outwith the house goes than the house would be sold and possibly leave no inheritance.
That isn't my thoughts though, what are, are that my Dad has what he wants which is not me looking after him. He has made that very clear

my parents (father to be precise) has made very bad business decisions over the years mainly financing my feckless dopehead musician brother. They are now in the position of having 2 small flats, one in which they live the other in which said db lives supposedly paying rent, but as dm says that might be 1 month in 4. he still comes home for dinner and his washing he's 35!!!!
Dh & I have worked our arses off and now have a reasonable house with a less then reasonable mortgage etc etc and 2 ds's. I have never had a hand out from dp's, and have never asked or been offered one. I never would tbh.
DM told me a couple of weeks that on their death, db would get both flats and I would get some jewellery (worth a couple of thousand) I was I'm ashamed to say, slightly pissed off!
I've told her that'll she'll probably have to sell one of the flats to pay for care in her old age as I have to work so hard there is no chance I can do it! She was then pissed off!
the upshot is we're barely talking....
and it's not me! it's DM! who is narked that I WON'T care for her!

Brightongirl, if you are more upset about feeling betrayed rather than the money, then it might be better to go for the counselling that you mentioned earlier on in the thread.

Personally, I would think about some of the legal options suggested by Xenia "to help your parents out" but that's just me. If you can get over it and move on on friendly terms, then all credit to you.

Idina - I feel betrayed because this has happened over and over again in my life ( brother always the cause) and I'd really hoped he'd grown out of it at 34. I just can't get the image of them sitting at kitchen table quaffing wine surrounded by a lot of parents lovely furniture (they are moving to France). It makes me feel physically sick.
they put on the "nice" act infront of the whole family and make people pity situations they have ended up in through sheer stupidity. I don't want sympathy but lets just say life's not been kind to me. I just want some closure now I've finally managed to start a family of my own and can't believe now that I've made the big move to the other side of the world he's done it again.
To be honest, it was only a while ago mum indicated that if anyone was to be given the house to live in it would be me and DH. We may very well be coming back from Oz in the next year and will be homeless as we need to sell our house. I helped care for my dying grandma (mums mum) and DH visited regularly to see her. Nobody else bothered and mum had to plead fro brother and wife to see her. She then left us all a great inheritance. i could go on but I don't want to use this thread as a counselling service.
Think I will look in to the legal side of things, then I can remove the emotion from it all.

Upwind I love your line... "I did say to my parents, "well you know that now I won't be able to afford the time or space to help look after you in your old age, you are just going to have to rely on [DB and wife] to care for you!" They seemed shocked by that idea (DB and wife are unreliable at best) and could not understand that it is the realistic truth."

What else did they expect?

In fact we understood my father's decision to leave 25% to the person who manages his care as his way of assuring they would always manage it, almost as a conscious decision to ensure he was well looked after. That was one way we made sense of it although we didn't think it justified that much.

Prodigal Son. SUms it all up. I just know what the sequel to that would be, after the big Welcome Home bash was over.

These threads are so interesting with different people's family doing different things.

My parents have always said we will get 'equl' shares, and in fact if they give us sums of money I know my brothers get it too. Also they have helped in the past and we have provided receipts to be 'off set' against out inhertance. This makes sense as DB1 has his dd at private school and I know my mum and dad are helping, I had help a few years back with nanny costs, and I think DB2 is getting help with a massive extension he is building!!

This is ecoming an important issue atm as my mum is dying of cancer and at some point we will need to decide what to do re care. I am the main breadwinner but also the only daughter. Work have (without me asking) offered me as much time off as I need, and my brothers have made it clear if i do this (if my mum and dad want) to help care for her, the 'family' will make sure I don't need to use my savings to cover us.

We are so lucky we can do this, as neither of my brothers can, my SIL is not well enough and teh other has a 4 month old baby and lives 2.5 hours away,

It is so important to agree things in advance, it can save many heartbreaks and conflicts within the family

brightongirl, I totally understand your feelings and sympathise. My lazy brother, the parents favourite, is also set to pick up the family home. My mother can say black is white to justify what she is doing.

and there may be some good to come out of all of this.

for example, now you can stay in Oz and have no reason to go back to the UK.

i feel this way about the IL's home myself. now we left the town because we couldn't afford to stay there, we wouldn't live there again for all the tea in China.

I sometimes think it's better to give your children nothing whilst you're alive because they just resent it or argue over it. If my father had made no gifts I think it would have been better for everyone.

On death give everyone the same too.

I try now to make it equal (with 3 at university etc) but it can never be 100% identical as they all do different things but broadly similar. My father paid for my brother at medical school and I suppose I had fewer years paid for as did my sister but that didn't seem quite the same unfairness, it was simply that he'd picked a longer course.

And our 3 started university with the same sum of savings from relatives etc. one of the three has spent it all and no way will I help her out over that having happened as it was her choice (and she knows that). Now she doesn't have savings and the others do. But that's her own fault.

Love your "black is white" comment nighbynight. My MIL is exactly like this about my bone idle SIL. There is always a nonsensical reason why she needs the hand outs or can't hold down a job. You can't hope to get sense from people if they are trying to mislead you.

Brightongirl, glad to hear (again that's just me, not saying you shouldn't listen to the more appeasing voices) your fighting spirit coming out and sorry you have been put in this position by your family.

I must admit that I would be upset too if either my parents or ils acted in this partial way. We are lucky that both sets of parents have bent over backwards to be even-handed. I have seen this sort of thing rip families apart and it's very sad.

oh, we won't be wasting our time cleaning up after the mess BIL makes after the ILs are gone.

i would never allow my child to get away with that he does at 32 and she's 5 next week.

he's old enough to look after himself and if he doesn't that's not our lookout.