To be furious and devastated to be told by parents they are giving their business and family home to loser brother?

[brightongirldownunder]

I've just had a call from my mum to tell me this and I'm totally broken. I can cope with the business but the family home? True they need to move as its far too big for them, but to have made the decision without even asking my opinion? I'm the eldest and my brother has always been a scrounger. he's never had an honest job in his life and it cripples me that he, his wife and 2 kids will be calling that home theirs. My mum insists they have not been given it for good but knowing my brother he will find a way around this. The saddest thing is that I've always been there for parents and was hoping that we may have had the chance to rent the house from them if we move back to the UK next year as our house in Brighton far too small now we have DD. There is absolutely no way I can ever go back to family home with brother and family in it. God I'm so upset... Am I being a spoilt brat (at 36?) Please someone tell me this isn't normal for parents to do this?

Its awful when parents leave more to those "children" (probably well grown up when the time comes) who are more needy than those who are more comfortably off. The only way to do it when you have children, imho, is split it equally. Whether there are grand-children or not. Or are millionaires or on benefits.

But am not holding out much hope re. my dad for example who has two older children doing ok and three younger ones who are very much younger and not quite so secure financially. I am one of the older two. But just because he chose to leave my mum and me and my brother and have another three children with someone else, who are all a lot younger and possibly needier, he will bequeath more to them than me and my older brother. I can see it happening and trying not to get het up about it even as I speak.

Not surprised you are upset OP.

YOu have had a lot of sensible advice.

I would just add my bit. And please bear in mind that I dont know you, or your family, but go by my own personal experience.

I had a very rich uncle. I loved him very much, we were close and good friends. I have many happy childhood memories with him.

One day he came to me and said something along these lines. QS, you know I am old, I have ill health, I am preparing my estate for my death. You know, the way I see it, you are married, you have a house, you are doing well, you and your dh are running your own company, I have no worries about you. I worry about your sister on the other hand, she is a single mum, she has bad health, much less earning potential than you. I am planning to leave her the bulk of my estate. I just thought you should know.

When my dhs grandfather was getting on, he rang my dh and said to him something quite similar. "I am planning on leaving my flat to your youngest cousin, she is the only one who doesnt own her own home, she is just starting university, she needs it the most."

I think this is fair for the following reasons:

People should chose who they want their estate to go to, they very often have their reasons. In many cases they have the best insight into the lives of their children, there may be things in the other childrens lives which are not being discusses, and not common knowledge, and sometimes it is not really "suitable" for the other children to start questioning their motives.

I agree with my uncles decision, he had very valid points. I was not left penniless entirely, but he did the right thing. (He was not to know about our later struggles, but by all accounts and purposes, my sisters struggle has been harder, and her life would have been more shit than imaginable without my uncles inheritance.)

So before you go in all guns blazing, make sure you know your story. And I think Xenias suggestion is good, just make sure you dont try force something through that your parents wouldnt want.

Me and Quint have totally opposite views, I see! How marvellous is Mumsnet.

i don't think it's fair at all to divide things unequally just because one is needier than the other.

my sister is much better off than i am. her husband had inheritances from both his father and later his uncle, who married his mother after his father killed himself when BIL was young and they live in a cheap place and have good jobs.

but i would be gutted if my parents left more to me because i've always been poorer.

that is not at ALL fair.

why should she get less because she did better or was luckier?

i would not feel right about that at all and would not take that money - i would give her her just share.

since neither one of us did anything to earn it, it is only fair that it be divided equally.

It is normal enough for parents to do this. Quite a lot of parents do seem to feel a great responsibility to help the weakest child, or who they perceive to be the weakest child.

You need to change your mindset. It's their money, they can give it to who they want. You never had it, you'll never miss it. If you know they love you, try to carry on a relationship.

Your feelings are totally valid Brightongirl.

My mother (widowed), treats my brother and I equally with regard to money. It is all upfront and honest, and has helped to foster the warm, close relationship between us all.

My ILs are completely different. DH has a younger sister who lives the life of Riley (is this a proper expression?!). 32, no job, mortgage free 2 bed flat in central London, investment property in France (doesn't matter if she has tenancy voids/repair bills etc as ILs provide blanket guarantee for it). She's flitted between jobs in the 10 years I've known her, but whenever someone is mean to her in the office or she feels like a lie in, it's out the door, no notice, no references, no problem because mummy and daddy just hand out another lump sum. It's now got to the crazy situation where retired teacher MIL is back at work as locum supporting stay at home adult daughter, but the really annoying thing is that she doesn't mind at all because she never wanted her "best friend" to grow up and move away anyway.

It's like Xenia says about the unfairness of some siblings being rewarded for living a life of leisure, whilst those that go out and forge careers, have children are almost punished for making a go of their lives.

Bitter rant over for now...

My sister did feel very bad indeed. I felt really sorry for her. Honestly, I did not mind. I love my sister, I loved my uncle, and I know he had our best interests at heart. He had helped me out abit when I was younger, so it is not like I felt unloved. He paid nearly 5k for new fences to be put up around our house, and a humongous hardwood deck in the garden and other hard landscaping. Plus, he paid off my entire student loan for Christmas one year. The thing is, he was a kind hearted man, he told me about his decision before he told her. So really, it made sense.

My only concern in this situation is that your Mum doesn't seem happy about it anyway and the fact it would appear the brother's manipulation is behind it. I agree Quint it is up to people who they leave their money too but it does make me upset when "unfair" splits are done under emotional blackmail.

Someone in our family gave their family house to one child (worth a fortune) in their 20's and told their other child (living in a council house) well you can have all the cottage (worth peanuts in comparison) when we die - however the cottage already belonged half each to the 2 children in question and the parents only had a living interest in it! So one child got to live rent & mortgage free forever whilst the other one struggled forever until the finally inherited the cottage they half owned anway! Sadly the parents just couldn't see it but all the descendents can see how one half of the family is going to be a lot wealthier than the other and it traces back to that IYSWIM!

I on the other hand don't have much to do with my parents so will not be bothered if they've changed their will so I no longer inherit! In fact if I do inherit and one of them is still alive (due to split 3 ways) then I'll be all for selling the property to put them into a better standard of care home!

If I were your sister, QS, and believe you me, we are poor, I would have told him it would hurt me so much if he were not as fair to my sister.

I really would.

That just would NOT sit with me, no matter how much I needed it more. We both have kids. I know my sister would use what she didn't need for them.

Just me, but that's how I would feel. I would feel that because neither of us earned it, then it should be split equally.

expat, but would she make sure you have equal shares also.
One thing I do think is this, my sister has 3 kids and I have two, neither of us are likely to have any more, my parents are splitting their assets thus, Half to be divided equally between my sister and I, the other half to be divided between the 5 grandkids, I feel this is fair, as they are not an extension of me, they are people in their own right.

My older brother is far far far better off than me, btw (owns two homes without a mortgage, no children, etc) but I would never expect to receive more than him in inheritance (huge mortage, two children) - if indeed there is anything to receive - just because of that. We are two children born of two parents. I would hope they would always treat us as equals.

You might treat your children equally. Your parents, and other parents, will not. That's just how it is

Yes, she would, big. We have already discussed this. We cannot believe people who shaft their siblings over money and things they did nothing to earn. My mother has some very nice pieces of jewellry and luckily my sister and I have different tastes, but still, we both have two daughters and will divide things fairly.

Now my parents' wills cover just them and us, the two girls.

They trust we will do the best with it by own children.

And we will.

No one is entitled to any inheritance, so whey you get some, it's only right that you should be grabby and greedy about it.

Expat, I think if my sister was fit and healthy and actually COULD work for money, the issue would possibly be different. But seing as she is on a very lousy disability benefit, most of what goes to pay for cleaners and other services (such as legal bills to actually get benefits as norway possibly have the worst benefits system or lack thereof in the world), I think it was the right thing to do.

If you're okay with it, that's what counts.

I would not be, and we are indigent.

Thankfully, I know my parents have divided all their assets equally in the event of both their deaths, and again equally between my sister and me in the event of a lone surviving parent's death.

In the event that one of them dies and the other lives, EVERYTHING goes to the suriving one, which to us seems right. They have been married since 1964, what they have they earned together.

eekamoose, that's an interesting one.

My best friend is v wealthy. She owns huge mansion, share of very successful business and has 4 children all at private school. Her older sister is single, no children, has a mundane, poorly paid job and rents a studio flat.

Their parents are moderately wealthy. I must admit that I've always thought that if I were their parents I would leave all the assets (really just their house) to the older daughter because she literally has nothing whereas the younger daughter is fabulously wealthy.

However I'm pretty sure that this would really upset my best friend as she already gets miffed about her parents helping out with her sister's bills and things.

It's strange how there is such a different perspective on these things.

Ah! My parents have done something similar, as they are stating they want it to be eqaul, but in the event of me or my sisters death before our parents, the "survivor" will not get everything. If I were to die before my sister and my parents, my 50% share would go to my children.

Expat my parents haven't done this because if the house is shared 50% to the surviving parent and the rest to others then they cannot be forced to sell it to pay for their own care in old age. Well at least that is how it stands in the law at the moment.

Ironically I think it is having a "nice" old age is exactly what their equity/savings should pay for I certainly don't live my life expecting/hoping to inherit one day.

Quint, it sounds as though there is a lot of open and frank discussion about money in your family which is a very good thing as it removes a lot of suspicion and bad feeling and helps everyone to understand motivation and to air grievances.

The OP has been presented with a "done deal" and this can be really hurtful, just as sneaky underhand dealings with money can be.

I expect that to be the case idina, had they all been consulted or given a plausible explanation, that would perhaps have been different.

We are in general an open family, so there is little room for distrust.

Ah, see, CG, my parents live in America.

Idina - my situation is not as black and white as your friend's. My older brother is much better off than me, yet in turn I am much better off than my younger brothers and sister. But none of us lives in a mansion with no worries about not working/pensions etc. Our relative wealth has to do with our ages, lifestyles and choices. My youngest brother is a 24 year old actor, for instance, earns almost no money, and my Dad and Step-Mother have already paid his fees and living expesnes through drama school. My oldest brother is 51 and worked for an American oil company through most of his 20s and 30s earning ££££ shedloads.

I would not be happy if my Dad left more to my younger brother than my older brother when he goes. They are two of five kids. In our family, luckily, relationships are pretty good and so if youngest brother needed financial help, eldest brother would probably be forthcoming.

Just read all the posts. Very helpful thankyou. I couldn't give two hoots about the money. Its never been an issue - my brother has been funded throughout his life and I've never asked for a bean. The thing that upsets me is the total lack of respect they have shown me in not asking for my opinion. I get the feeling that this has been discussed since we moved to Oz in March, in which case it was a matter of "so now they're out of the way, we can make our move".