AIBU to be really pissed off about their behaviour at my graduation?

[Nodramalama85]

It's the day after my graduation. Five years of study completed. I didn't want to go, I knew it would be emotional and I'd find it overwhelming. I also knew my family would be a nightmare but they all insisted that they wanted to celebrate my achievements and go.

Initially, my parter was great, bought a new suit, cuff links with my intials, held an umbrella over us both to collect my gown. My eldest son, turns up 30 mins before we are due to leave hungover, no dress shoes, fine whatever. My partner lends him a suit. Crisis averted. Mum arrives all good.

After the ceremony they tell me how boring it was, how they almost fell asleep once I'd been on, how my mum had asked how long it had left every 5 minutes and got really arsey towards the end. She even became irrational in the queue to get into the venue. My partner spent the entire day reminding my mum that the day was not about her. We then go to the reception. My partner is being really spacey and monosyllabic, he had taken some tramadol for his headache. These tablets makes him drowsy and absent. My son was constantly complaining about his hangover and my mum just complained about everything all day. Apparently, she didn't enjoy the ceremony but is happy she saw me graduate. They all acted like miserable wankers at the reception. I couldn't introduce them to anyone at the university. It was just an horrendous experience, they didn't look like they wanted to be there at all. We ended up leaving early even though I'd bought the tickets and the venue had a bar. They only had to behave like normal people for about three and a half hours in total. I feel so hurt that I was pressured into doing something I didn't want to do and that they then went out of their way to ruin it.

AIBU - at least they came!
You are not being unreasonable WTF?!

The last graduation I went to was only a week after a major surgery. I did tell my son I really didn't be able to make it, but he said he'd be happy to roll me in via wheelchair if necessary. In the end, I attended, on pain meds and with a surgical drain still attached. I hid the drain itself in a nice handbag, so most people probably didn't notice and I walked very slowly, but I know my son was so happy that I made the effort.

Was it boring at times? Yes! But there is no way in hell I would have told him that.

I'm sorry they spoilt the day, but remember, the main thing is the huge achievement in the study you have done. Get yourself a really nice frame and find a nice spot for your certificate. Update your CV, get a great new job or a promotion, sort out your pensions for the future and start making a wonderful life for yourself. Then, decide if you want these people along with you for your next chapter or if you'll want to leave them behind.

Wishing you all the best.

This hurts my heart for you, I’m truly very sorry, @Nodramalama85—
No matter how much you downplay it or say it doesn’t matter or that it isn’t important — it IS important and it DOES matter and YOUR FREAKING FAMILY COULD HAVE SHOWN A MODICUM OF RESPECT FOR TWO HOURS OUT OF ONE DAY OUT OF ONE F**KING YEAR!!!

Graduation from university is a HUGE ACCOMPLISHMENT. Congratulations!!

I know you can’t repeat this experience, but if you ever need a stand-in-girl-family-member for another ceremony, I’m always available. I’m also a university graduate and a graduate of my mother’s charm school. Her school was very exclusive - she had my sister and me as her only students.

”I credit Dream with having an enormous amount of warmth and charmth.” — my mum

Sending love from faraway ❤️

My dad and sister did this to me when I was 21. It was horrible and I haven't really forgiven them for it. Lots and lots of things are boring. I cannot ever understand why adults have to ruin something special by saying it is boring. Your mum is just nasty tbh. She should have been told to get a grip. I am sorry for you but it will not take away from your fab achievement. Well done!

It’s a graduation - having been to several, including my own, they’re incredibly boring! They can cost a fortune, lots of hanging round sitting in boiling hot halls, wearing polyester gowns that make you sweat and cover the nice dress you’ve bought yourself.
OP, you’ve built this up in your head into something that others won’t see in the same way, and you’re now disappointed that the reality didn’t match your expectations. There’s no point sweating over it, its happened and there’s no going back. Just take pleasure in a job well done, put your certificates in a drawer somewhere safe for future reference and go get on with your day. Well done on graduating!

My parents saw me go on stage then left and went next door to the pub - the ceremonies are so boring I don’t blame them

I feel your pain. My dad behaved like a complete arse at my graduation because he "doesn't like big cities." You're right that they should have been able to make the effort for one day.

What adds to my irritation for you, OP, is his attitude to your medication suggests an attitude to your pain as well. He takes your hardcore meds for his headache suggests he thinks his pain is the same as your hardcore pain. So he’s a tool for that as well.

It's not on for your family to piss on your parade and be rude, but graduations are boring. I was bored at my own one, just waiting for my name to be called out, then concentrating on not tripping over. You shake hands with the Dean and that's that!

What were your expectations from the day? If it's something you'd built up, I can see it would be a disappointment.

l

He's not just being a knob he is running the risk of opiate addiction! Why? Why dydnt he used a paracetamol line everyone else?

And don't let them all spoil your memories of your achievement!

…. Why is he taking strong opioids for a headache? Major red flag.

I graduated (after 12 long years - there was a break in the middle) last year and wild horses couldn’t have dragged me to to a graduation ceremony, never mind dragging other people there!

Tramadol for a headache!

He is extremely unreasonable to treat a headache with opioids

I am sorry your family including partner let you down. All they had to do was be there for you. No performance required of them, just being there and being supportive for a few hours.

The degree ceremony can be a bit dull but is a wonderful opportunity for people watching.

Older DD and I went in for younger DD's degree ceremony. We had a great time especially when we realised that the graduates who didnt acknowledge the senior dignitory quite literally had their card marked. DD gave the proper formal bow to her. But I do wonder if the graduates who were 'playing to the gallery' instead may have ever so slightly blighted their futures.

Reading some of the responses, it's obvious that people have very different expectations from the day. I didn't have photos taken with my family, either, and to be honest, it never crossed my mind and I would have found it embarrassing for them to make a big show of it. The photos I do have, are with my friends, becasue it was our day. I also didn't get a 'nice dress' for the occasion (to be obscured by a great big, daggy gown) I wore smart trousers and top and flat shoes. I just didn't see it as that sort of occasion, which goes to show there's a massive variation in the perception of the day.

It's always disappointing when there's a mismatch of expectations, it doesn't detract from your achievement.

Hi @Nodramalama85 congratulations on graduating.
Unfortunately you can't rely on these people to act normally in social situations, you also can't control their actions. They sound like children.
All you can do is decide whether to include them in this sort of activity or not.
Graduations are dull but most people have enough emotional intelligence to realize that it's not about them so need to put up and shut up.

Could you tell them that they embarrass you? It's one hell of a truth bomb but maybe you feel they need to hear it.

Also do you think your DP could have addiction issues? The vast majority of people would take paracetamol.

They'll now also be a reminder that my family is a bit shit.

Only if you let them be that reminder, and continue to wallow in a snapshot of your life.

Or they can be a reminder that you did it! You completed your studies and got the result you deserve. Something many people can't do but you managed it.

I didn't have any real expectations for the day other than for them to behave like adults, which isn't unreasonable in my opinion. I didn't really want to go, I don't enjoy being the centre of attention at all. I just wanted the day to be nice and for people to behave in a respectfull manner.

I think it's quite likely he does have an addiction issues. He doesn't think there's an issue with taking my medication or taking something that strong for a headache. He thinks I'm over reacting to everything and should be grateful they came. I'd already made plans for my birthday that don't include any of them because of their behaviour last year. I really should have known better and stuck to my guns. Sadly the day itself has caused a lot of bad feeling.

Look, I say this as an academic who has graduated three times but also is part of the procession now at ceremonies- they are fucking boring. We all know it, both as a student and an academic. It’s essentially 1.5-2 hours of clapping like a seal. Your family should have kept quiet about it being boring obviously but I don’t think they were unreasonable to think this.

I'd be more concerned about what you've said about your partner's substance misuse. He takes your medication? He also seems to take tramadol which is ridiculously strong for what you've said was a mild headache. There are bigger problems afoot than this day.

It's a shame they ruined it but that doesn't dull your achievement. FWIW I was horribly hung over for my first graduation and so were lots of my friends! Our cap and gown photos were not is looking our bright and shiny best.....
Hopefully this degree gives you more options that might involve you not having to be around people who don't support you.

Does your dp genuinely suffer from migraines? Has he taken tramadol before?

I suffer from bad migraines and tbh I’d give him a pass here if he’s generally a good partner. I take Triptans which can make me feel trippy and if the choice was to suffer in pain all day at a long ceremony or feel a bit spaced out but be able to get through it, I’d choose the latter personally.

I do think you are possibly putting a little too much emotion on the day as it was obviously a huge deal for you and you’re projecting a bit.

They shouldn’t have moaned but it does sound like a long, boring day - they should’ve kept the moaning between themselves but I do think you are possibly being a little OTT. Your ds is young and stupid and was hungover - it’s definitely something my Ds would do too without thinking, as in drinking g the night before.

Put it behind you now and focus on the fact you graduated 🎉

ps. If you think your dp has substance abuse issues, obviously that’s another problem that needs addressing.

I think you can’t be mad at Dp. He was supportive. He then got a headache. It’s horrible having a headache, especially if it’s bad enough that he needed tramadol.
graduations are the absolute worst but I agree your mum and son could have been better

I don't enjoy being the centre of attention at all

Not half as much as they don’t enjoy you being the centre of attention. They couldn’t even let a few hours be about you. They are basically horrible. I wonder if you don’t enjoy it because they make it awful every time.

I'd already made plans for my birthday that don't include any of them because of their behaviour last year

Have any of them let you be “main character” for a second ever or enjoy anything that is focussed on you? What’s Mother’s Day like in your house? What’s it like when you aren’t well or have an important deadline?