AIBU to be really pissed off about their behaviour at my graduation?

[Nodramalama85]

It's the day after my graduation. Five years of study completed. I didn't want to go, I knew it would be emotional and I'd find it overwhelming. I also knew my family would be a nightmare but they all insisted that they wanted to celebrate my achievements and go.

Initially, my parter was great, bought a new suit, cuff links with my intials, held an umbrella over us both to collect my gown. My eldest son, turns up 30 mins before we are due to leave hungover, no dress shoes, fine whatever. My partner lends him a suit. Crisis averted. Mum arrives all good.

After the ceremony they tell me how boring it was, how they almost fell asleep once I'd been on, how my mum had asked how long it had left every 5 minutes and got really arsey towards the end. She even became irrational in the queue to get into the venue. My partner spent the entire day reminding my mum that the day was not about her. We then go to the reception. My partner is being really spacey and monosyllabic, he had taken some tramadol for his headache. These tablets makes him drowsy and absent. My son was constantly complaining about his hangover and my mum just complained about everything all day. Apparently, she didn't enjoy the ceremony but is happy she saw me graduate. They all acted like miserable wankers at the reception. I couldn't introduce them to anyone at the university. It was just an horrendous experience, they didn't look like they wanted to be there at all. We ended up leaving early even though I'd bought the tickets and the venue had a bar. They only had to behave like normal people for about three and a half hours in total. I feel so hurt that I was pressured into doing something I didn't want to do and that they then went out of their way to ruin it.

AIBU - at least they came!
You are not being unreasonable WTF?!

They are boring as fuck tbf!

I'm missing the point here but , your DH took a tramadol for a headache? A seriously addictive pain killer that is generally only prescribed in short courses for serious pain? Really?

No, no horrible condition or previous condition. It's my tramadol that he took. He said he felt a migraine coming on and wanted to tackle it, plus he wanted to feel nice and relaxed during the day. He just came across largely as disinterested. He did used to do a lot of drugs but I have explained to him during couple counselling how it makes me feel. I knew he'd taken something when we reconvened later after the ceremony. That night he said it was Xanax but he now says he misspoke and it was tramadol. I'm just furious.

My mother is a nightmare. I think she felt that she's softened her moaning by telling me she was proud and I looked beautiful. I wanted to kill her tbh but I ignored it as I didn't want to ruin the day. Today I just feel really deflated and emotional about the whole experience.

This is also what jumped out from your post!!

Well exactly, they are my prescription painkillers and have quite obvious side effects. He was a knob although he really doesn't understand at all why I am angry and thinks I'm being over dramatic and ungrateful.

Yes, quite. I did say to him today the fact that he thinks this is acceptable behaviour is indicative of a much larger issue. I didn't know he was going to take them, he asked me for pain relief so I pointed him to the meds draw. L

Well yes but that's common knowledge. Why insist on me attending my graduate and coming as a guest if your going to behave like that? Doesn't make it any more enjoyable does it. Also, that's not really the point is it?

Me too!!

I think my mother would have absolutely kicked off if the ceremony had been longer and DS and DP would have fallen asleep!

Honestly, it's my DP I feel the most hurt by. It was an emotionally loaded day for a variety of reasons that I'd discussed with him. For him to actively choose to take strong painkiller hay would impact his ability to be present and mindful is so hurtful. I knew my mother would be a nightmare, it's hurtful but expected and my DS is young and a bit of an idiot at times.

I would love the photos in some ways but I'm also aware that they will be a reminder of a day that was already hard and emotionally charged. They'll now also be a reminder that my family is a bit shit.

Bloody hell, OP, you poor thing: your entire family is barmy and your partner’s a druggie. No one sensible takes a Schedule 3 controlled drug for a mild headache. But that said, it should have been locked up or hidden, not slung loose in a drawer.
Could you not have spent more time with your fellow graduates? Graduation is a bittersweet day: the end of all the work, a celebration of success, but also the loss of friends and colleagues.
Five years is a long course. What’s your subject? I hope it’s something medical/psychological/psychiatric/pharmaceutical; you may find such knowledge useful in the future! 😃

Congratulations on your graduation. I am so sorry you had such a poor experience and I can really sympathize as my mother didn't exactly enhance my own graduation experience.
I graduated at aged 40 and was the first person in my family to go to university. I had worked hard and done well. One of the tutors had been particularly encouraging during the course and, although he told me he didn't normally attend graduations, he'd made a point of coming to the drinks reception afterwards and coming over and chatting to my family, saying how well I'd done
When he introduced himself My dear mother said 'Oh we know who you are. All we've heard from shiningstar2 this last 3 years is Professor X this, Jeremy that' Honestly I wish the ground would have swallowed me up.
He had been my tutor and we did have a really good rapport ...platonic but same sense of humour ext. I think she was trying to discourage anything going further now the course was finished. Terrible! And as for making it all about her ...well after he left she excelled herself by askingf she could try the graduation robe on ..so I actually have a photo somewhere of my mother in my graduation robes.
It was all many years ago and until your post today I haven't thought about this for a very long time but thinking of it now I do feel a bit sad...robbed a bit of the usual happy banter type conversation I and my family might have had at a time which is normally a celebration. Of course he took himself off quite quickly after that and then we had the photo of DM in my graduation robes.
I'm sorry your DM and your son put a damper on your own experience OP. Well done you. I hope you and your DH have another special celebration together. 💐🍾🥂

Sorry OP but well done on your achievement..Not really making excuses for them but maybe they didnt think it would be like that. Graduation ceremonies are a bore. I didnt go to mine. Maybe they just thought it would be a party where they got to stand around having a laugh and a chat with your friends. ???

@IridiumSky Not everyone has mild headaches, some people can have serious aura cursing headaches which are severe and need stronger meds for the be. That can still be called a headache but a very different level to most people's experiences, I know people who severly need such class of meds for this. If they are prescribed its for a reason, and tramadol is not always for short courses particularly if you have a chronic condition. Yes it can make you out of it but it's better than the pain and other symtpoms taking over.

On your mum and son OP they seem to both have acted quite dismissive, it's meant to be a few hours and its a day to celebrate your person, so they have thought about that. Maybe do something like a dinner or similar with your partner or friends who you've also graduated with. Congratulations anyways, you've definitely worked hard.

Sadly, this is why I've learned that some moments are best savoured alone, or with others after your initial shine has worn off and they can't tarnish that. Then again, sometimes we forget or hope things will be better or don't trust our better instincts... we're only human.

Congrats OP on graduating.
I hope you can mark the occasion another way somehow, with a supportive friend or even alone, and bring the focus back to yourself where it rightly belongs.

I was the first person in my family to get a degree and I got a 1st. My parents didnt even bother coming to my graduation. It clashed with a non commercial holiday they had arranged with a charity who looked after them. They could have split the holiday or gone later but my father said it was too much hassle. If it had been a commecial holiday I would have understood but there were not financial penalties. I ended up giving my tickets to a colleague whose mum was having chemo. That meant her two other daughters could come to support her. They took me for a meal afterwards so it was still an enjoyable occasion but not the same as having your own relatives present. I went on to get a masters and a doctrate but never bothered with the formal graduation for those. At a later stage a visitor from the charity offered to arrange a car and driver to take my parents to my doctoral graduatiom. I felt too much water had gone under the bridge and clearly my parents were not proud of what I achieved. So I refused the kind offer.

It’s alright my husband was absolutely pissing himself laughing at the sung Latin as it sounded like the monks in Monty python who sing and then smack themselves with a plank. I pinched him so hard when he was silent laughing he got up ‘to go to the toilet’ and came back 25 minutes later with Percy pigs and M&Ms he apologised later but even I thought it was a bit long and my mum is the vicar!!!

Shes getting married soon (first gay vicar marriage- that’s my username gone)! And I’m hopeful it will be a bit less intense!

I was going to ask what kind of go has prescribed him that for a headache then I see it’s actually your medication. It’s a controlled drug and you shouldn’t be giving him it, your op makes it sound like he takes it often enough to know how it affects him, does he ask you for them often? Everyone sounds like they behaved terribly but I’d be seriously considering the relationship too.

My friend is on some strong controlled drugs, her ex husband used to pretend to have headaches and ask her for the occasional tramadol, then his “headaches” got more frequent and he’s say paracetamol didn’t do anything, did absolutely nothing to seek medical help himself or to research why he may be having headaches and instead pressured his wife to hand her meds to him or sometimes he’s steal a strip from the medicine box. He didn’t have headaches, he just liked the way they made him feel and he used them to calm himself down during anxious situations. I kind of want to say just be careful this isn’t what he’s doing, choosing to take meds that make him off his nut, not because of headache but because he wants to feel off his nut.

Well you, OP are certainly not a bit shit, even if your family is. Honestly, hats off to you. I am in awe of mothers with partners and families completing degrees. Well done.

Reminds me of my own graduation from Oxford. I'm from a very, very humble background and my parents were so proud. But when it came to my graduation, it's like they were so intimidated by it all, they just sabotaged it. It was awful. They complained about everything. All my memories of that day is of my dad whining and me just praying the day will end already.

Yes, I know that, but were it the case the OP’s partner would have his own prescribed supply.
He does not, he nicks hers. Which is both stupid and a controlled drugs offence.

OMG, OP. YANBU WTF! Your family suck.

Of course graduations are boring. But who the hell goes and moans about it to the graduate? I hope they are better in other situations but if not, I wish you all the best for finding better people to spend your time and emotions on.

Congratulations on your graduation, I’m sorry it was such a bad day for you.

Mine wasn’t great either, it was many years ago but it still brings tears to my eyes when I think about it. My Mum and Gran came to the graduation ceremony while my Grandpa and Stepdad waited in a nearby pub. After the ceremony I had to go straight to get my official photo taken. My Mum and Gran decided that that was going to take ages so they left and went to the pub to meet up with the others.

10 mins later I came out to find the cloisters full of happy families smiling and taking pictures, but I couldn’t find my family (this was in 1999 before we all had mobile phones). Some of my friends came up and took pictures with me, my Mum had the camera so I don’t have any with them. Even people I didn’t know that well came up for pictures, I think they took pity because I was so obviously on my own. I was so embarrassed!

Eventually I gave up waiting, handed in my graduation gown and went to the pub, unsurprisingly finding them all there, drinks in hand. They were most upset that I wasn’t wearing the gown as they all wanted photos with me wearing it. It didn’t occur to them that I might not be allowed to take the gown off of campus and had to hand it in before leaving.

We went out for dinner and then I went home while they all stayed out and got even more drunk. They had a great day, me not so much.

Honestly, the first thing I am going to say is "Congratulations!!!" I'm 53 and have returned to study. I know it's a slog and you absolutely deserved better than this. You are quite right to be disappointed. I would let them know that they were all selfish fuckwits and that you will cease all mum/wife/daughter functions until they show a consistent effort to acknowledge that you are a human being and not fucking appliance.

Well your dp sounds like he's nice and was trying hard to be supportive - and perhaps didn't really understand what the Tramadol was. Try to look at it from the other angle - he had a headache but didn't complain, tried to just take a tablet and carry on for your sake. Then spent all day listening to the other two whine and at least trying to protect you from their behaviour. But yeah, the other two sound crap. Sure, the young can be self centered and thoughtless. But your mum should definitely have known better.