Eccentric SIL

[ProbablybeingU]

SIL has a very eccentric personality and parenting approach. She is a spiritual person who reads tarot, loves yoga/pilates and is vegan. She has always been a bit “hippy dippy” - although doesn’t look remotely like the stereotypes you’d imagine, she is just a normal woman.

She is very lovely but has a bit of an eccentric approach to parenting. DN is being raised vegan, she used elimination communication from being newborn, doesn’t allow sleepovers or quite frankly anyone to babysit. Niece is 3 years old and as far as I’m aware her Mum has watched her twice over night and that was by staying at BIL and SIL house. Niece has never been in nursery and SIL has just announced plans to home educate.

From what I’m aware all of her friendship group all have children a similar age so niece does socialise a lot with kids of similar age but none of her friends share similar beliefs to SIL and all of their kids attend nursery/school etc.

AIBU to think she’s setting DN up for failure here/perhaps to be singled out? I’m aware kids can be quite nasty.

Where did I say I wasn't being judgemental? 😉

Ooooh YOGA!!! How kooky!!

I was raised in a hippy dippy family like this and all I've got to show for it is a successful career, lovely husband and family and a 2.1 from Cambridge 😂😂😂 chill out!

(To answer your actual question, yes I was teased at school, but mostly for other stuff. I didn't really care, because I had a loving, supportive family)

Well I think your SIL sounds awesome.
For what it's worth I was born in the 60s and my mum used to hold me over the potty after a feed. She also allowed me to be vegetarian from almost 2 years old, initially because I obviously didn't like the taste of meat but as I got older because of moral values. We did stay with my Nan overnight if they needed a babysitter and as we got older we were welcome to stay with family members if we wanted to. Sleepovers with friends wasn't a thing when I was growing up but we did do Brownie camps.

Totally irrelevant but your SIL sounds like someone I'd love to meet 🤣 she sounds fab!

It sounds like you've lived in a bit of a 'bubble' and haven't come across many people who think differently to you before. I remember when my children were young, it can be quite challenging when you meet people doing things very differently to you as it makes you doubt yourself and panic that you're doing things wrong. But there's more than one way to bring up children..

I have a friend who trained as a doctor and then left - she's spent the last 20 years home educating multiple children very well. They've not done sleepovers either. They're fully socialised, haven't been bullied and in fact the older ones are more self-assured/content in their own skin than many schooled young adults I know. They've grown up without peer pressure and group think. I would love to have home educated - and in fact we did do it for ds for two years. But I recognise it's not for everyone, and doing it badly can be very damaging - but your SIL doesn't sound like she'll be doing that.

I’ve worked with a lot of scientists and mathematicians in my life and you’d be surprised how many of them have far out hippie parents. Not loads, but enough for me to have noticed it as a bit of a pattern. You niece is 3, I don’t think it’s fair to say she’s being set up for failure. The home schooling can sometimes set kids back if it’s not done well, but that’s a big if. I wouldn’t worry about it if I were you.

I agree.

And anyway, it isn't "as different as possible."

Mine didn't do sleepovers at anything like as young as three, and nursery isn't obligatory - and certainly wasn't as big a deal back when I was young and many more mums stayed home when dc were small. I think in my day we went one morning or two mornings a week as a novelty activity - my mum and my aunt would go to the supermarket together after dropping my cousin and I, so in part it was really what it is now at heart: childcare for the benefit of the adults, not a critical aspect of early childhood.

Speaking as a former nursery employee, your niece will not have suffered from not attending one.

@ProbablybeingU your niece sounds very well parented to me. Ours didn't have a sleepover anywhere without us until they were six.

I assumed animal welfare ie is it an old school affair with animals crammed into small cages for public display or something more enlightened?

Honestly, she sounds a lot like me/us when mine were little. Bar the elimination communication, hadn't really got time for that. But the sling, home education etc yes. Trust me when I say that all 3 of mine are thoroughly normal at 15, 13 and 8. And had lovely childhoods and didn't miss out on anything. They're in school now anyway.

I would actually reconsider it if mine were tiny again. And I don't think I'm alone in that, from what I have gleaned talking to friends.

When they are little and you are looking forward, it seems as though full throttle exposure to everything is the way forward. A few years on and you realise how tiny they really were, how naturally things come to children regardless of hothousing and accelerating every skill, aptitude and sensation, and how precious good old-fashioned and grounded family time really is.

Or maybe SIL doesn’t think she is doing it ‘better’ maybe she is doing what she feels is right for her child and not judging others….
I have brought/bringing up my children very differently to one of my siblings. I don’t think my way is better, I raise my children according to what works for our family unit and in line with our values and she does the same for hers.
We have more children than her, less resources so priorities are different plus our general expectations are different.
The OP isn’t concerned, she has said her niece has a great vocabulary, her SIL is a great Mum with very secure attachments to her child, she is judging the fact that a 3 year old doesn’t have sleep overs (I don’t know many that do at that age) baby wore and refused to pass baby around like a parcel when she was content/asleep in her sling, is being brought up as vegan and isn’t going to nursery, none of which tbh sounds that ‘eccentric’!

Totally off topic, but St C?

Sounds like she is raising her child the way she wants and you are comparing it to the way you are raising yours and its different to your way. The child is 3 doesn't need to be having sleepovers, you sound judgemental and possibly jealous . She hasn't thrown anything away by taking a career break . Her education won't evaporate while she raises dn.

I know it's only January but surely this qualifies for the stupidest post of the year?!

Her way of parenting might have negative outcomes on some aspects of DN's life. However, your way might also produce a couple of negative outcomes for your own DC. No parent is perfect, and you will probably differ in your definitions of 'good' decisions or what constitutes a negative outcome but that doesn't make either of you objectively wrong. We make choices in good faith but can never be sure what the long term picture will be so it is how we react to ongoing situations that matters.

I would never allow sleepovers if I had a child and I don’t do yoga and eat meat. Am I “eccentric” too?

All normal sounding things to me, you're being quite judgey

Was in a similar situation myself with my SIL. Made family get together very hard work as our parenting styles were chasms apart. But it’s her life and her family, just as yours is your own. Leave to get on with it. It’s none of your business unfortunately x

She sounds like a right pain in the arse.
I would not trust people who believe in idiotic superstitions like tarot or veganism.

She is eccentric in the sense that her parenting isn't a central/mainstream style but it doesn't sound harmful.

I thought so.

She is eccentric in the sense that her parenting isn't a central/mainstream style but it doesn't sound harmful.

I don't think she's eccentric, just what is usually called a bit 'alternative.' Although everything she does is increasingly pretty mainstream actually. No-one is particularly taken aback by a vegan home educator these days.