DH insisting I change my working hours

[OneTipsyRubyDreamer]

We have 3 DC. DH works full time 5 days a week. I work part time 2 days a week school
hours. DH has wanted me to move from part time to full time for years but now he’s suddenly started saying he “insists” that I need to ask my employer if I can go full time. I don’t want to go full time though. DH won’t stop going on about it and says he wants proof that I’ve asked my employer if I can go full time. I haven’t asked my employer about going full time because I don’t want to go full time but DH won’t take no for an answer though and he is putting a lot of pressure on me over it. He says things like “a lot of parents work full time so there’s no reason you can’t” but I don’t want to work full time! He can’t seem to understand the fact that I just don’t want to work full time and that I want to keep my current working hours for 2 days a week. AIBU?

I don't think he can demand that you up your hours if he won't commit to upping his hours doing childcare and housework. He wants you to do more earning, will he do more domestic stuff?

Can absolutely see why you'd prefer to be part time with three children at those ages (the 11 year old maybe not so much, the 6 year old and toddler, absolutely), especially with SEN involved. If money isn't an issue then it seems ideal.

I'd be worried that, like so many men, he wants you to earn more while not changing what he does at all.

He might do if he’s the one earning the majority of it. Must be a lot of pressure.

You are both being unreasonable, trying to unilaterally decide on something that you need to discuss and compromise over.

You can't just choose to be financially supported by someone else who doesn't agree to it.

He can't dictate your work like he's your boss.

Does he truly understand the impact on your home and dc of you upping your hours? Does he understand he would also have to up his hours, in effect, to pick up half the housework and childcare?

I never said she was lazy... But she could easily work 4 or 5 half days and still pick the kids up, do cooking, cleaning, homework.

It's pretty easy to tell by her financial comments that she doesn't worry for money, it's just there for her to spend. Meanwhile he's probably worried sick in case anything happened him.

Cooking and cleaning in the house isn't a full time job. It's called life.

OP has dripfed lots of excuses (reasons) why she can't (won't) work. The main thing she just says is she doesn't want to. Then eventually mentioned childcare but still said I just don't want to. Dripped that a child is SEN. Dripfed she now has apparent mental health problems. All while avoiding every question pertaining to her reasons and reiterating I just don't want to.

I'd love to know how she can have savings while working 10 hours a week, for 2/3rds of the year.

I can sympathise with your husband to a point - your eldest is 11, so that’s a long time to be working only 10 hours a week term-time only. It sounds like he feels overwhelmed worked full-time and it would help if you earned more (however much you feel you don’t need/want to).

However his refusal to sit down and have an in-depth chat about how this would look like is totally unreasonable. If I were you I would hold the line:

“I’m more than happy for us to sit down and discuss the possibility - what childcare we would need and what responsibilities you would need to take over from me etc. We also need to work out how much I would earn against what childcare/cleaning we would need to outsource, to make sure it would actually make sense for me to increase my hours.”

I would repeat this position every time. He can’t insist you work full-time without an in-depth discussion on what this would look like.

You together need to discuss:

• How much would nursery be for the 18m old
• How much would before/after school club cost for the two older children
• As the older children move to High School soon, can they walk there and back, or how much would transport cost? If they have SEN are they able to do that independently? Or would you need to hire a Nanny to do their school runs and look after them after school?
• Who will look after them all in school holidays and how much does full-day holiday clubs cost?
• Will he do 50% of dick days with the kids
• Will he do 50% of childcare/school drop off and pick ups?
• Will he take over 50% of housework? If not - how much will it cost to hire a cleaner to take over a percentage of duties from you both? After the cleaners share of work is calculated, you must both then do an equal share of work as a couple. Is he willing?
• Will he take over 50% of school admin, doctors, dentists, opticians, SEN appointments and admin?
• Will you divide all home admin 50% eg insurances, anything related to the car, Christmas planning, holiday organising, packing, birthday gifts throughout the year.
• Do you have pets? Will he do 50% of that work?

You and he together need to calculate how much you would take home annually and then take away everything you would have to pay out in childcare over a year, including school holidays which will add up with 3 children. Also take off any cost needed for high school travel. Also take off X amount of hours per week for cleaning (where I live £16-20ph), outsourcing ironing, gardening. If you need a Nanny before and after school (again around £16-20ph).

How much more per year would you be better off than now? Is it worth it? Is it a small amount or substantial? Is it worth it to him, since he would have to step up and do so much more with the kids and house? Is it worth it to you, will it cause a lot more stress? Is the extra money worth it for the kids to be in childcare every week rather than at home? He need to seriously answer all of those questions before you can make any decisions.

2 days per week school hours term time only is barely working at all. I'm not sure it even works out to a single day a week with school holidays factored in

Maybe your DH would like to see the standard of the families lifestyle improving in line with how hard he's working but instead it's largely you who's reaping the benefits.

Why can't you compromise and go up to 3 or 4 days a week and maybe make a couple of them full length days? You could probably double the financial contribution to the family pot and it could mean more holidays, a larger house, a sense of being more affluent.

Have kept reading and still don’t understand why there’s no compromise here. Working 1 day a week (part time hours and only part of the year) is very, very little. Obviously if you’re home schooling your child with additional needs that’s different but it sounds like you have 3 days a week where they’re at school and you’re free to work those school hours. Your wee one would get funded nursery hours so working something like 25 hours a week wouldn’t cost much. Is there a reason you won’t even consider working school hours?

If you are having a repeat of the same conversation where neither of you compromise and no one understands the other then I’d suggest a couple sessions with the therapist to be honest. It sounds like a very stressful environment for the kids and the both of you if you both just keep repeating yourselves. If he hasn’t been saying this for 10 years and is suddenly super insistent I’d be concerned there’s something happening that he hasn’t told you. If he might lose his job or he’s heading for burnout or there’s some massive financial problem he hasn’t shared you need to know.

Interesting age gaps.

I am a SAHM to four DC 18, 15, 10 and 8. Have been for around 17 years now. DH has never made an issue of it. He does want me to consider working part time when youngest is 16 though. Again, entirely up to me. He wouldn't force the issue.

OP just stick to your two days. But these things should have been clear from the beginning between the two of you.

What’s your household income? I’m guessing that is what is at the bottom of this? If struggling for cash, not saving into pensions and watching costs in UK continue to skyrocket, going to be linked to that?

It's effectively so the OP only ever had 1 child at home all day to look after. Have another kid when the most recent has started school.

Working part-time needs to be in full agreement with your husband/partner. Your husband hasn't been completely on board with this for some time, by the sounds of it. It's now reached a point, where he's starting to insist that you work-full time.

However, you both need a proper conversation - his reasoning 'other families have both parents working full-time', isn't a reason, it's a statement. You 'not wanting to work full-time' equally isn't a reason not to either!

You mention you have a child/ren with SEN. There can be a vast difference between children with SEN. Some children are mild SEN, but others severe. Does your child need you to be at home?? If it's the youngest, I understand why you feel you need to be. The other two are at school all day (presumably), so you don't need to be at home.

You need to write down all the household tasks and child related tasks, and present your husband with the list. You then both need to decide how those tasks will be divided up between you. How will you manage holiday/inset days/sickness/school runs/appointments for the children. Your husband can't insist you work full-time, without knowing how the rest fits in!! Unless if course he's expecting you to work full-time and manage the bulk of the house/children!!

To me there's either resentment on his part that he's working full-time and you're not, there's money issues you aren't aware of or there's something on the horizon that he's aware and he knows you will need a full-time income. My guess, it's resentment that you aren't bringing in enough financially.

You may need to compromise - increase your hours to say 3-4 days per week.

You don't just get to unilaterally decide that you don't want to work more. He doesn't unilaterally get to decide how much money you need as a household. You're supposed to work together as a team, and it doesn't sound like either of you are really willing to negotiate here.

The default position is that you're both jointly responsible for everything - earning, childcare, housework. Any deviation from a 50/50 split of those responsibilities requires negotiation and mutual consent. You can't just demand that he supports you financially. Equally, he can't just demand that you go back to work without taking on his fair share of the housework and childcare etc. As for how much money you need as a household, that's for you to decide between you - it isn't for him to insist that you need more or for you to insist that you have enough.

You need to talk to each other to get to a mutually acceptable solution. Right now, neither of you seem willing to do this.

What interests you about them?

so, you have Sen children with one being under 2 and he wants you to work full time when you do the majority of the cooking/cleaning/life admin?

Id be looking at what I could get as a single parent tbh. I don’t think people realise how difficult it is parenting Sen Children, they often need you home more. Or the housework is so much more constant with endless bedding washes/cleaning up trashed rooms. Plus it’s mentally exhausting.

If any of your DC get DLA higher rate maybe you can claim carers allowance for them? You can earn a small amount as a carer and have universal credit top up your wages.

You will literally have burnout working full time with Sen DC and a toddler. You’re working which is a lot more than many SEN parents can manage. Your husband clearly has no idea what the fuck your day looks like if he’s suggesting you work.

And before anyone moans because I’ve suggested you apply for UC, piss off, I don’t care. Go be angry at the following - billionaires, tax dodgers, government money being spent on absolute pointless shite so their friends make money, people who have allowed generational poverty traps of nobody working being so normal. Don’t come for a mum who does work with kids with additional needs. She isn’t the enemy here.

People are just making up whatever they like here! He won't talk about it, so there's no point guessing his reasons. If it matters so much then he needs to actually explain why and take part in figuring out the gap in childcare and housework.

So if you go full time is he going to do 50% of the housework, 50% of the cooking, 50% of the school/nursery drop offs, 50% of childcare, 50% of sick days, 50% of medical appointments, 50% of school events etc? 🤷🏼‍♀️

But he surely says more than "Go full-time" when you ask him why?

Or does the convo go -

"I think you should work full-time"
Why?
"Most parents do"
But I dont want to
"Well you should"
Why?
"Most parents do"
But I dont want to
"Well you should"
Why?
"Most parents do"... ad infinitum
If so, he's nuts. He has to give reasons why he feels you should, as do you for not.

Maybe he thinks the house runs itself?

I would write down every, single, lttle thing I do all day and give him the list of what HE will have to step up and do if you worked more. Get a rota going NOW and give it a try if he insists. He will soon back down I bet

I would at least show I was willing to compromise and add one or two more days onto my work load, however he would have to show that he was willing to do some house work or other household jobs that you would normally do to make it worth my while,

Would you reconsider if he gave you a valid reason ? I can't see why he'd be asking for no reason at all.

You have said a few time your finances are fine but at one point, you mentioned that he may differ .

I think a lot of people wpuld like to worl reduced hours but you dont have a god given right to it imo.

I was the main breadwinner and my ex was a sahd, when the kids went to school i expected him to work at least school.hours to support me as its a heavy burden bearing the financial responsibility, but he refused as he 'wanted to be sahd'. I made the point 'what if i eant to be a sahm??' But it fell on deaf ears. So while i worked long hours he got to gp to the gym, meet friends for coffee, see family etc. Yes he did all the housework but that wasnt so mych once the kids were at school. He refused, we divorced, and then he had to get a full time job!

My advice, sit down and talk to him, find a compromise - your marriage wont work long term if he keeps arguing for full time and you refuse to work more than 2 days. Fgs just talk to each other!

Maybe he is worried about money. Or maybe he resents you being able to work pt while he can't. Not enough data.

My friend had that with her husband. He just liked how women at his worked did both things whilst his wife didn’t . Sounds like a break up over it may be likely. I’d increase your days at work to have financial means of support.

your DH is making the common mistake of assuming full time work from home will enable you to work while looking after your children, cleaning and washing, housework, shopping and everything else you do while he works full time. This seems to be a common error made by men but generally only seems to apply to women working from home. Men usually need to be isolated in a home office and left to themselves to get on with their important work.

My 16yr old works more than that in his weekend job😂.