DH insisting I change my working hours

[OneTipsyRubyDreamer]

We have 3 DC. DH works full time 5 days a week. I work part time 2 days a week school
hours. DH has wanted me to move from part time to full time for years but now he’s suddenly started saying he “insists” that I need to ask my employer if I can go full time. I don’t want to go full time though. DH won’t stop going on about it and says he wants proof that I’ve asked my employer if I can go full time. I haven’t asked my employer about going full time because I don’t want to go full time but DH won’t take no for an answer though and he is putting a lot of pressure on me over it. He says things like “a lot of parents work full time so there’s no reason you can’t” but I don’t want to work full time! He can’t seem to understand the fact that I just don’t want to work full time and that I want to keep my current working hours for 2 days a week. AIBU?

I think she only works school holidays as well so it's quite a bit less than that, I think.

Oh, so you are saying you can chuck away nearly 7000 quid? Excellent. I also work hard and have plenty of money but I would absolutely NEVER say nearly 7000 pounds is hardly worth bothering about.

Shall I send you my bank details?

Nope. "A previous poster asked what hours I work, I do 9:30am (sometimes from 9am but usually 9:30) until 2.30pm (sometimes 3pm at the latest) 2 days a week."

She clearly works around school hours. She also stated she has SEN children. She does not want to put the youngest in full time care.

It's really normal for mothers to work part time while their kids are young if they can afford to. She says they can afford to.

I would be concerrned that he is planning to leave her and the kids and wants to make sure she's working to facilitate that being less stressful for him financially.

Hope you are ok OP. His approach doesn’t sound normal. I’m worried about coercive control here if he continues on this path.
what culture are you from?
is it a culture where the man can and will take on half the household chores, take SEN kids to special appointments and plan ahead for whatever they need?

if you can. Jot down everything that needs to happen between now and Easter weekend. Then talk him through it. In depth for a week or so and then an overview of special considerations Week by week. Incl number of loads of laundry. Shopping for food. Prep. Clean up. New school shoes. Booking summer break. Or half term camps. Clubs. Teacher meetings. Hospitals appointments . Etc.
point out what 50:50 would like and ask how his employer would deal with him coming in late after a child meltdown or a hospital appointment and how many times that has happened over the last 12 months in your family.

if he wants you to both work Full Time and you have SEN kids I’m concerned he is either really stupid so had no idea he eilll have to do half of the domestic work. Or thinks so little of you, your kids and what you do that he sees no value in it. Or. He has been consulting with a divorce adviser.

With the youngest DC only being 18 months YANBU. How severe are the SEN? Otherwise think it would be reasonable to defer increasing work until they are all at school. Is that something you could agree? Plus 50:50 split of child and home or depending on increase eg 60:40 if you increase to 4 days.

If DH is doing nothing or the bare minimum now, I would also start insisting that he starts contributing at least 20% of child and home mental and physical load and wouldn't agree to any increase until a clear plan is in place eg for school runs (he does 20% of them, cooking) etc.

Me too but I also wanted to get a career by then so it worked out well (formerly SAHM). But my ex was of the view that 'women only have children so they don't have to work' but his mother was on a pedestal and never worked more than 1 hour a day... in addition he refused to take on half the childcare and household tasks so expected me to do everything. He also wanted me to work for minimum wage and was very negative and misogynistic about women achieving in the workplace. Being a single parent ia no different which shows how much effort he actually put in. I would train up or keep your hand in to be able to support yourself if needed.

I would just keep saying no because we haven’t discussed the detailed logistics of how our life would work and which 50% of chores each takes on. Repeatedly until you do.

How's your marriage generally?

You seem to have had quite a breakdown in communication if this is a daily question from him but he can't give you a proper reason for it.

If you don't have financial problems then [reading between the lines] it seems like perhaps your DH doesn't value your unpaid non-work contributions.

I'd also not be remotely surprised to hear that he's dimissive and/or unsupportive of your mental health problems.

May be worth reflecting on whether this is actually a symptom of a larger issue that needs solving?

I had this pressure from my DP when our DD was about 4. I'd been working very part time and he wanted me to go back to full time.

So I spelt it out to him - I'd go back to full time on certain conditions
we took it in turns to take time off if DD will ill
we shared school drop offs and pick ups
we took out holidays separately so we could cover the school holidays
he did more around the house
and the real kicker...
he could only play golf once at the weekend rather than the twice he had slipped into, and I would have a day away by myself.

He shut up pretty pronto, especially when I started a new part time job which he had to be home for in the evening, so I could attend a meeting. He 'forgot' to come home on time. Oh boy did he get a new one that night.

I get the sharing of financial responsibility, there have been times in our relationship when I've been the main earner. However it isn't just about finances, there's child care, hospital appointments, shopping, meals etc that have to be planned and delivered.

If your DH can't sit down with you and discuss the sharing of family responsibilities, then there's nothing to discuss. You have a wide range of ages to deal with and whilst your 11 yr old maybe quite independent, your 6 yr old ad your toddler are years away.

This.

How is your marriage, do you think he's wanting you back in full time work so you're not as financially reliant on him which could affect any divorce settlement /ongoing financial maintenance?

We both work full time. It's so hard with two kids, let alone three.
List all the stuff you do that he doesnt. And then ask him how you wany to split the tasks and who he wants to pay to outsource childcare. Someone has to do all the stuff.

Sounds like he’s fed up shouldering the financial load. It’s a heavy responsibility being the one who’s responsible for brining in the the majority of the money. 2 days a week is really very little to be working if your husband isn’t on board with it.

I’m the breadwinner in our setup, we both work full time. No financial difficulties and we have two children- DS4 and DD 4 months, I’m on mat leave.

we are deciding what to do when my husband has finished his shared parental leave (he’s taking the latter part over the summer which is unpaid but saves us on two lots of childcare as the funding won’t kick in until term time).

if either of us want to drop hours, it’ll be both of us doing it to maintain the balance we have in terms of labour split and time away from the house.

I would be incredibly pissed off if my husband decided he was working part time 10 hours a week max and in term time only!) and left me carrying the financial burden for us all. Even if he did the lions share at home ( which should be the case if he’s working so few hours).

ditto I wouldn’t put him in that position where he is sole provider.

you’ve probably got next to nothing in your pension and you’re really cutting your options for full time work in the future after so long out of the working world.

other than that”I don’t want to” I think you need to sit down with your husband and have a full and grown up discussion about this and the reasons why he is suggesting it ( is he burnt out/ fed up/ about to lose his job/ money issues he hasn’t mentioned), and why you’re so reluctant to change.

OP if you are going to get any value at all from this thread you need to be explicit with your justification for working part time. I can see you’ve mentioned SEN, childcare and mental health but these are very vague and don’t really help. Of course you don’t have to say anything but you are the one who posted here and if you actually want advice then you need to be clearer. Lots of us work full time with the added difficulties of SEN, childcare and poor mental health thrown in so you likely will get some very valuable advice if you can post a bit more information.

What you need to understand anyway though is that not only is the initial agreement to work part time a joint decision but this needs to be an ongoing agreement between the two of you. Just because you made this choice together over a decade ago doesn’t obligate your DH to still be on the same page all these years later. You have worked very part time for many years now and I think your DH is entitled to raise this. Your stance of just not wanting to work more is not feasible. The two of you need to discuss it ongoing with full openness and come to a compromise between you - broadly if you are to work more, he will need to support this with more of the home stuff and pick ups etc done by him.

I’d do this. Then pin him down and discuss about whether he’d do 50% of drop off, sickness, doctor, dentist, SEN appointments etc. If he won’t discuss any of this, then he’s not ready to do the extra work.

What have you said and done when he’s refused to answer the questions previously? Does the ‘discussion’ end there?
Have you told him you’re not going to consider it until he can tell you what’s going to happen with childcare etc?
If all he’s doing is stating “You need to work FT” but not bringing any solutions to childcare problem, there’s no point engaging with it.

You are both being unreasonable - you should be willing to at least discuss and truly consider working more as your hours are really low / having one parent being the default breadwinner is a big burden and decisions about these things are absolutely a family decision not just yours. However, he needs to absolutely discuss with you a sensible set up that also works for your children and includes him doing more of the child care and home life.

If your employer is amenable to this, could you offer to work an extra day with the same part-time hours to fit in with taking your children to and from school?

Are you planning to keep to your very part-time days/hours once your youngest is at school or would you be willing to work five days but keep the part-time hours so that you don't need childcare during term-time?

Preparing for divorce

Er, I was responsing to the previous post which was a salary calculation. If she only works school term time, the number of weeks and therefore salary is lower.

I'm pretty sure everyone knows that a lot of mothers (and some fathers) work part time when their children are young, I did too, although far more than 9/10 hours/week. His opinion about the affordability may well be different, we just don't know. It is definitely possible that he has an ulterior motive, as you suggest though.

You say that - but so far you've not actually given any decent reason as to why you "don't want to"

childcare is easy as your child is over 9 months and you don't have any financial issues, so covering additional hours wouldn't be an issue and the household finances would dramatically increase - thereby dramatically increasing the standard of life your entire family would have...that in and of itself is enough reason to to at least consider going back - particularly if your children are SEN and therefore may require more assistance as they grow (I have SEN children, one who's in GCSE year and tutors are not cheap! Nor is private therapy)

So seeing as the only actual reasons you've given so far are not in the best interests of your family - why don't you want to go back to work?

I voted Yabu as you put so little information into your post ( children ages, SEN) and kept writting because I dont want to! Hardly effective communication.

She has provided their ages but not the details of their SEN.

Pretty much this. It sounds like neither of you are capable of having an adult conversation about work, finances, money and childcare costs and responsibilities. He says "I want you to work full time" you say "no I don't want to". That clearly isn't going to work!

I worked p/t 3 days a week until both DC were in reception. But every year we had to sit down and look at our finances, childcare costs, etc, to see if it remained viable for us to be on 1.6 salaries rather than 2 full ones. I just don't understand why you are not doing that.