Washing 11 year old sons hair

[Iusedtobefun95]

My 11 almost 12 year old son has asd and a serious issue with water on his face, it’s been a thing for him for aslong as I remember so when he baths or showers il wash his hair then leave him to wash himself dry and dress himself. Iv tried a few times to get him todo it himself but he either won’t do it right or just doesn’t do it. My partner who’s his stepdad keeps on at me about it saying he’s old enough todo it himself. I am trying to teach him more independence and this is a thing I’m working on but it takes time. Aibu if I tell dp to shut up that him bringing it up every time my son gets bathed is not helping. Sons dad said it’s the same at his house hel wash sons hair so it’s actually done. We keep his hair short so when we try him alone it’s not as long of a process. Fully prepared to hear I am unreasonably and il take any criticism or tips

My dd is 10 so not far off. I have to wash her hair otherwise she just won't do it properly and it gets all greasy. I think it's fine for now but work towards him doing it. Maybe start it off, get him to do a bit and slowly build him up to doing all of it. Could he wear googles or something too?

My 11 yo son has no asd but still prefers it when I wash his hair as he doesn’t like the water in his eyes etc. my feelings are - why not show him that i love him and care about him by helping him when he needs it? It won’t last forever.

It's really time to keep trying to get him to do it himself before he hits puberty, because that just becomes really inappropriate.

I would sit with him and guide him through it the first few times, helping if absolutely necessary. My son also has asd and didn't like water in his face. We used to get him to put his head all the way back and slowly reverse his head under the shower, so he could feel it before it hit his face.

But it's only hairwashing, if he gets it wrong, it's not a massive deal.

Can he wear trunks in the shower and take them off after you have washed his hair and left? I get the having to balance safeguarding and independent skills and neglect and it is so tricky. Its ok to wash it if the other option is he wouldn't and it wont last forever. My eldest suddenly developed that sense of wanting privacy at 12/13 and is now so much more independent than before. My youngest was more independent but had to wear goggles when washing hair. Go with your gut as a parent rather than what the "norm" is as our kids get there at their own pace.

Iv tried goggles but he still panics. I’m actually happy I’m not the only one still doing this I was starting to panic. I’m trying to work towards him doing it alone it’s rinsing it I think is his main problem

How will his mates find out? It’s hardly likely to come up in conversation 🤨

And the first post is in from the parent of a neurotypical child who doesnt get it.

How will his mates find out, are they spying on him or will the child and mum tell them 🤔

Could you wash it leaning over the bath with the shower attachment? And then plan to teach him to do it himself. Done properly it shouldn’t get his face wet and it stops the need to see him in the bath/shower regardless of whether he does it or you do it.

I still do ds hair and he’s 13. It’s not weird and his mates don’t know. 🙄 he really struggles to do his hair for a variety of reasons. He’s getting much better and will get there eventually. He would get a lot more stick if he stayed greasy haired and
manky.

My child often remembers the shampoo but forgets to rinse. Sometimes I dont notice in time before my child is in bed and its only the next morning when it has a weird super greasy not been washed for weeks look.

He’s 11, you’re his mum. If you’re happy to do it and he’s happy for you to do it then carry on.

The time to stop doing it is when he wants you to stop (or when you do). Definitely tell SD to STFU about it & you'll stop when you or DS are ready, until then it can only very very minimally impact him, so STFU.

Does DS want to work towards doing it himself? Or accept it's age appropriate for him to do so? Because there are things you could try if so ir if you want to.

but your partner just needs to stop going on about it!

I work with adults who need their hair washing for them. Keep encouraging him but if he can't do it, he can't do it.
You'd be best having this on an SEN board. You will have comments here from people who can't comprehend that others learn at different rates and some disabled people will always need assistance.

@Iusedtobefun95 is it if soap gets in eyes? Would one of those shower hats help? It looks a bit like a upside down golf visor that goes all the way around the head.

It's not inappropriate to help your child no matter what age or stage of development they're at IF they want it.

Great way to announce your ignorance around ASD.

Not his son, not his business. If he truly cared, he’d be researching ways to help, not nagging you each time.

Id tell him that you don’t want his opinion on it, and whilst it’s not hurting anyone, you don’t want to hear anything else about it now.

Exactly as it should be!

There are some weird replies on this thread.

@Iusedtobefun95 you should have posted this on the SEN board, not AIBU.

No, you’re weird.

Exactly.

its a shame though, that people aren't aware of this without having to have it explained to them 🙇🏻‍♀️

You tell his step df how you bathe /raise your ds is not his business..
And his actual df has no say in the choices made by you in your home either...
You are doing what your ds needs to be clean and hygienic...

Absolutely, it’s more inappropriate to NOT help your child with personal care if required to ensure they have proper hygiene!
I was 19 and had emergency surgery and couldn’t get aspects of my stitches wet… I also couldn’t raise my arms to do my hair, so my mum helped as I was in need of it, just as ops son is in their situation!

DS is nearly 12, I still shampoo his hair as it looks greasy if he does it himself. (He also likes me double shampooing and blow-drying it.)

I can't see how his mates would find out if he doesn't bring it into the conversation himself.

As long as he keeps yelling for me when he's in the bath why wouldn't I wash his hair?

My son is also 11, and also asd, I also wash his hair for him and have to remind him to wash his ‘pits and bits’ otherwise he will just let water run off his body, no soap or anything. If your son is happy and not telling you not to, I don’t see the harm. If there comes a time my son doesn’t want me to wash his hair when he is in the shower, I think he will shower and I will still separately wash his hair over the sink or something other wise it won’t get done. Pick your battles. It’s really got nothing to do with your partner.