Washing 11 year old sons hair

[Iusedtobefun95]

My 11 almost 12 year old son has asd and a serious issue with water on his face, it’s been a thing for him for aslong as I remember so when he baths or showers il wash his hair then leave him to wash himself dry and dress himself. Iv tried a few times to get him todo it himself but he either won’t do it right or just doesn’t do it. My partner who’s his stepdad keeps on at me about it saying he’s old enough todo it himself. I am trying to teach him more independence and this is a thing I’m working on but it takes time. Aibu if I tell dp to shut up that him bringing it up every time my son gets bathed is not helping. Sons dad said it’s the same at his house hel wash sons hair so it’s actually done. We keep his hair short so when we try him alone it’s not as long of a process. Fully prepared to hear I am unreasonably and il take any criticism or tips

WTAF? Safeguarding when she is talking about her SON? What the hell is she safeguarding against?

Shampoo eye shield?

My DS is 10 and had ASD. He also hated water in his face until we had private 1 to 1 swim lessons where he suddenly got really good at face in water. That then meant he got better with hair washing.

My dd is 10.5 and I still wash her hair and she is nt.

My DD is 11 and has really thick hair - she has tried a few times to wash it herself and does it at her dads (although tries to avoid doing it there) but she doesn’t seem to rinse it well enough to get all the shampoo out and ends up with a ‘flaky’ head/hair.
I wash it for her as it’s 100 times quicker on the mid week wash but have been trying to coach her through doing it herself at the weekend. We’ve tried clipping half up and doing the underneath first which sort of works but she’ll get there.
Your son will get there too with gentle practice and there is nothing wrong with caring for your child x

ASD or not - He is a child ffs. I'm baffled at those suggesting a problem with washing his hair?!

My boy is nearly 10, to many reasons to wash his hair to mention, and I'm will do until he doesn't need me to anymore. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Sometimes people with ASD need forms of personal care and little boys are no different. You can figure out other ways to do it if needs be but you're ultimately undertaking a caring role for your own child to meet his support needs. Tell your partner to butt out.

You don't have a hairwashing issue, you have a partner issue.

If he wants to be "stepdad" then he really needs to learn more about ND as an absolute minimum.

I have 10yo twin girls with thick curly hair and can't manage washing their own just yet so I still was theirs and will continue until they feel able to. Nothing weird about it. My 15yo has been independently washing her own hair from about 11-12. I'd rather help and get it right than having to keep sending them back to the shower umpteen times until they do it right which would only stress them out and put them off trying

Not saying she is but im saying I have had situations where I have had to try and work out where all the lines lie for my send kids and questioned everything. I have clearly said it isnt and encouraged her to wash his hair and go with her gut. I suggested trunks if either of them are feeling uncomfortable with it, not necessarily meaning now. Im having a seriously crap time trying to meet my kids needs and dont need people coming at me in what feels an aggressive manner when you could ask me nicely to explain, rather than wtf.

It isnt lovely parents like you who are open to getting it that i mean and i shouldnt really have written it like that. I think many of us send parenrs have been judged for so many things, whether our kids being incontinent past an age seen acceptable, not seeming to be strict or disciplining enough, when our kids have meltdowns and much more. I was waiting for the thats not age appropriate your kid should know by now brigade. Im burnt out and exhausted and cynical tonight, which isnt like me usually. Trying to balance everything and failing big time.

I think it's fine to keep helping but at that age (for either gender) I would be looking to transition the process out of the shower if him doing it alone is not happening soon. Depending on your set up I would look into ways to do a sink wash or wash at the edge of the tub with a handheld spigot. I would make a change before it starts to feel uncomfortable for either your DS or you/his dad. That way he never has to choose between hygiene and age-appropriate privacy.

It's common for parents of black kids (or others) with difficult to wash, highly textured hair to keep doing washes this way into the teen years or beyond.

Honestly thank you all for the support and responses you’ve no idea the weight you’ve lifted off me and iv told dp to shut up about it because he’d probably still let his mum wipe his arse if she offered and iv said that to him

My asd DD could not stand bubbles. Hated hated hated soap, shampoo etc. Her hair has always been long, waist length long. She struggled with it so much, either she would come out of the shower telling you she'd washed her hair when it was obviously still dry in places, or she'd do it but only patchy clean, or not rinsed properly.

Even at 16/17/18 she preferred someone else washing her hair for her so she didn't have to do it. Leaning forward over the bath using the shower attachment fully clothed, not a problem. If it made her week a little bit easier, it's 10 minutes of my time and lets her get on with her week without being stressed out about her hair or the thought of having to wash it. Short hair I'd imagine is a 2 minute job. She knew how to do it, just hated it. I hate spiders, I know how to get rid of them if I have to but if there is someone else I can ask to help me, I'm gonna take that option.

As long as he knows how to do it himself, I don't see the harm in you helping to make sure it's done properly, if he's ok with that. Do it while he's still clothed so he has his privacy, treat it as a separate thing to showering/bathing.

DD is now at uni, with hair that is now bum length, and I'm really proud of the things she is now doing for herself. Because she's had to. She still hates hair washing but is doing it once a week, on a set day, and doing it properly, because she wants to make a good impression to her new friends. I wouldn't worry about helping an 11 yr old with his hair.

This may not help but how i got my then 9 year old ASD son to wash his own hair was I "forgot" his towel drying downstairs and after he had gotten in the shower (or maybe I had just turned the water on to get to the right temp) I suddenly remembered and said id be back in a minute and just test the water was OK. I took my time and when I came back he was so excited to show me he was doing it himself. I gave loads of praise and he kept it up. I stayed for a while to tell him all the shampoo was gone but now he is 10 and can do it by himself. He does prefer touse a sponge to work up a lather apply the shampo but once its washed I dont care.
But YANBU.... continue to support him as long as he wants and he will get there in his own time.

Sounds like your partner doesn’t understand your son’s sensory needs. He needs to stop commenting and learn about SPD and autism.
You and his dad are doing a great job with your son’s needs and care.
You may be aware of these ideas but in case you’ve not tried or for if your son wants other options.

shower shield

https://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/157470664050?_ul=GB&rb_itemId=157470664050&rb_pgeo=GB&var=0&ff=11&mkevt=1&mkcid=1&mkrid=710-53481-19255-0&campid=5339059258&toolid=10044&customid=EAIaIQobChMIkPvVxo-bkgMV6pVQBh3SrgxeEAQYIiABEgIGIPD_BwE&wbraid=Cj4KCAiAybfLBhBMEi4AlaNbAwZm-yV32PBWwj2KmBFUhl0BH3SNN29YbgJPcP_wxvdvVAaogl8RrlTPGgKQ6w&gbraid=0AAAAADA7Q_IcaNe6jnJDW1NCEsNG9WAiY&adtype=pla&loc_physical_ms=9195089&loc_interest_ms=&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=20506529273&gbraid=0AAAAADA7Q_IcaNe6jnJDW1NCEsNG9WAiY

Hair washing cap

https://www.amazon.co.uk/5pk-Microwaveable-Conditioner-Vitamins-Extracts/dp/B09HT1SR7Y/ref=asc_df_B09HT1SR7Y?mcid=94ef403bc60e34bf88de01085b650e94&tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=697328155376&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=4527338462147135057&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9195089&hvtargid=pla-1487146538057&psc=1&hvocijid=4527338462147135057-B09HT1SR7Y-&hvexpln=0&gad_source=1

No water shampoo

https://www.superdrug.com/travel-size/shampoo-travel-size/pits-and-bits-towel-off-shampoo-coconut-fragrance-100ml/p/mp-00019460

Sensory advice

https://www.uhd.nhs.uk/uploads/about/docs/our_publications/patient_information_leaflets/Childrens_therapy/152-23_hair-care-common-sensory-issues-an-practical-tips.pdf

My DD is nearly 13 and a few months ago I noticed her hair was greasy straight after hair wash. I was adamant she wasn’t washing and rinsing it right so I went in to the bathroom and she was in the shower her permission obviously. She turned away so I just seen the back of her done her hair and done this a few times but it was still the same I reckon it was a burst of hormones at the time because a few weeks and it settled down but I don’t mind doing it and she was fine. She does it herself again now and closes the door. My DD is NT but I’m her mum and whether she’s 12 23 or 52 I’ll help her wash her hair if she needs it. Cause it will be her doing it for me in 50 years time lol xxx

I had one of these when I was little and didn't like getting suds in my eyes:

Toyvian Shampoo Shield Adult Baby Shampoo Cap Baby Bath Visor Hat For Lovely Shower Tpe Shower Cap The Hat for Adult Hair Washing Shield : Amazon.co.uk: Beauty

Why would they? And would they care?
My DD does not have SEN and can mainly manage her hair but asks me to brush the back as it's annoying to reach, and to check she's rinsed out her conditioner properly. It's part of being a mum surely? She's learning and will get there.

Tell partner to back off. You're doing the right thing.

If he had a physical disability you wouldn't be worried, and this isn't any different. It's also IMO not any different for a child with very long hair needing help.

If he's happy to have you do it, and you're happy to continue, then tell DP to mind his own business and crack on. Who is it hurting?!

Get him a hair washing shield maybe?

If he can’t do it and his hair is really short then I’m not sure he really needs to. DH doesn’t use any shampoo because it makes his hair look weird And dry. He just uses water.

My DD has just turned 11 and has been washing her own hair for a couple of years - no ASD though so different to your situation.
Of course I would help her if she needed it.

Your DP needs to back off

I still have to wash my 13 year old’s hair because it is long and extremely thick and she just can’t seem to manage to get the suds out. Around 12 she got embarrassed if I saw her naked so I started doing it over the bath. I talk her through what I’m doing and at the swimming pool shower I try and show her how to get the suds out herself.

This is just normal parenting, you need to keep doing it for him and showing him how to do it until such time that he is able to manage it himself.

He can wash it in the bath and then he can put his head backwards into the water and gently use the bath water to rinse it out. I used to do this with long hair when I was a teen so it hopefully might work for him. Might be a bit trickier as he grows but hopefully the habit of independence is built by then.

(From a fellow neurodivergent with shower-based sensory dramas)

I hate getting water on my face and can wash my hair in the shower and not get my face wet but I do have one of those shower heads with the flexible hose. Hate showers that have a fixed shower head. If the shower head is the same as mine could he try just directing the water on his head and down his back.

When I had a broken arm and dh had to help he couldn't understand me giving off about him getting my face wet.