AIBU to feel insulted?

[LucyFoley]

When my partner's mum died he gave me a few pieces of her jewellery. None expensive, a mix of costume jewellery and a few H Samuel things, gold watch etc. I had a good relationship with her.

He asked me for the watch back before Christmas. We have had separate properties as I don't want to be dependent on anyone as I've been in a position of splitting up and starting again before, and it suits him. It didn't at first but he accepted it.

He said it was because he had nothing of his mum's. I gave it back last week and asked him what he was going to do with it and he said he thought "Emily might want to wear it on her wedding day". Which was not what he told me originally.

Emily is his son's fiancee and they're getting married in the summer. She never knew his mother, had no relationship with her and was a child of 10 when she died, not even on the radar.

I feel relegated, dismissed and insulted.

I'm surprised he gave it to you in the first place tbh

I think YABU.

At the end of the day it doesn’t sound much like you’re actually progressing your relationship? Separate properties etc., and even if Emily didn’t know his mum, it’s a lovely nod to her on her wedding day? Especially for his son who would have wanted his nan at the wedding.

did the son, the groom have a good relationship with his grandmother?
maybe it’d mean a lot to him to have a piece of her there and Emily’s a lovely thoughtful girl and happy to have as her something old and borrowed?

Yes he did.

So his mum must have died at least 8 years ago. How very strange. Did you ever wear the watch?

You can choose to not feel insulted about this.

Like a pp, I’m surprised he gave them to you in the first place. People usually prefer to keep those kinds of things in the family.

He should have kept it in the first place, it’s lovely that his son might get use out of it on his wedding day. You are totally unreasonable

How did you work that out? And why is it strange?

I think its nice that she is welcomed into the family with something of his family's loved one.
You can choose to see it as an insult to you or as a nice welcome into the family of a new member..

That kind of thing would usually stay in the family, it’s a lovely thing for his son to have and for his bride to wear on her wedding day. I’m surprised he gave you his mum’s jewellery to be honest, maybe he’s just now thought about wanting to pass it down to his DC.

You don’t need to be offended about it.

Emily was 10 when the mum died, so to be getting married she must be 18.

To be honest OP I think the issue is less with the watch and the fact that in at least 8 years, you’ve never even considered moving in together

Still not sure why it’s strange

Its a bit crap for him to change his mind about the watch. Are you perhaps seeing it more symbolically as a sign youre not integrated in the family?

If Emily was 10 when the partner's mother died and is getting married in the summer, Emily must now be at least 18, hence the mother must have died 8+ years ago.

I thought the rule was if you give something away you don't ask for it back.

"None expensive, a mix of costume jewellery"

How many generations does inexpensive costume jewellery typically stay in a family?

It's worth noting that even if the jewellery is from average high street places, if it's gold it will be worth quite a bit as the price of gold is high at the moment, even 9 carat. If this is a solid gold watch, you'd be talking in the thousands.

Good grief thays an extreme reaction. Is there a back story ?

It's longer than 8 years, they are mid 20s. I've been burnt by having to start again with property. I also have cats and he has dogs and it wouldn't mix.

It's also the fact that you don't ask for gifts back.

Okay.

You absolutely can ask for things like this, sentimental items that would be better used by a family member.

I think you can ask for tnem back, do you even wear it?

No back story, but there was an incident when he brought the jewellery box round and said I could choose what items I wanted. I said I'd do that next time and he took it home. There were two items in there, Victorian rings that I loved. He later gave them to his brother to give to his wife. They sold them. I was really upset.

There's a big back story with the brother and his wife but that's nothing to do with me or this watch or the wedding. The brother is not a nice person.

I'm a historian, I wear vintage jewellery a lot and would never have sold these things. It's not about money.

He wants to keep it in the family. Fiancee is about to become family. You are not.

If there were 2 items in the jewellery box that you loved then why didn't you take them at the time they were offered to you? You told your partner you pretty much couldn't be arsed to look through his mother's jewellery that he was offering to you but you've been holding a grudge for over a decade because his brother and wife did.

Why didn't you choose there and then if you loved the rings so much? Your lack of enthusiasm for choosing then might have come across as not really being very interested, and presumably his brother has more right to his mother's jewellery than you do anyway.

Is the watch one you frequently wear? If not, I can see why it's nice to have it used for a special occasion, though I'd feel a bit sad about having to give it back too. Could a better solution be for you to lend it to her for her wedding day, if she wants it? Then it's borrowed, not just old!