AIBU to feel insulted?

[LucyFoley]

When my partner's mum died he gave me a few pieces of her jewellery. None expensive, a mix of costume jewellery and a few H Samuel things, gold watch etc. I had a good relationship with her.

He asked me for the watch back before Christmas. We have had separate properties as I don't want to be dependent on anyone as I've been in a position of splitting up and starting again before, and it suits him. It didn't at first but he accepted it.

He said it was because he had nothing of his mum's. I gave it back last week and asked him what he was going to do with it and he said he thought "Emily might want to wear it on her wedding day". Which was not what he told me originally.

Emily is his son's fiancee and they're getting married in the summer. She never knew his mother, had no relationship with her and was a child of 10 when she died, not even on the radar.

I feel relegated, dismissed and insulted.

If you knew you loved them why not take them then?

I didn't tell him I couldn't be arsed. It was very late and I wanted him to keep them with him not leave the whole box at my house. When I asked about it, the brother had been through it. So much assumption.

The issue with the brother is not me holding a grudge either. I don't like him, but it's nothing whatsoever to do with this watch.

Well, if your partner offered them to you, and you told him to take the whole box home, after which he gave the two rings you loved to his brother, who gave them to his wife, it looks like he assumed the same thing as many posters on here — that you weren’t bothered. That’s on you, surely, for not communicating more clearly that you were worried about burglary of whatever it was that prompted you to tell him to take the box of his mother’s items away again.

I did communicate clearly.

The rings actually didn't go to the brother's wife. They both decided to sell them. They did the same with a pocket watch from a great grandfather.

If you knew you wanted the rings you say "I'd like the rings, I'll have a proper look through everything else next time" rather than just dismissing him

The brother is entitled to items as well, the fact he just sold them is a little hurtful (but this is often the way when it comes to dividing items from the deceased unfortunately)

At the time, the idea your DP might want something for a wedding that was in the distant future, if ever, didn't cross his mind. But now the situation is there and he has realised how nice it was. Probably thought "I'm glad I let Lucy keep some items, that watch would be perfect"

It also sounds like he's only lending Emily the watch for the wedding, not giving it her (something borrowed with some meaning behind it)

Also, not sure I entirely class inherited items as "gifts" as such

I think it’s a lovely thought that your partner had towards the bride of his DS. I find it very thoughtful, -and nurturing of them and their marriage.

However, having given it to you, it was no longer his to give or to use in his consideration of the idea.

If you had never worn the watch much and if he had spoken to you about the growing idea in his mind about it all, then I would have been happy to hand it back over to be used in that way ..amd for her to keep.
But he sort of tricked you into giving it back so I would feel let down by that. It’s made things awkward.

I do think a pp has a point about your relationship with him never going to progress and wonder if this has made him want to endorse and support the growing relationship and marriage of his son.

Talk to him about it OP. Maybe he feels strongly about it but regrets he’s made things feel awkward.

Well you didn't, did you? Because you didn't say you wanted the rings

But you didn’t say ‘I would like these two rings, thank you’, did you?

Yes I agree with all this. Posters are going on about the brother and the rings which I only mentioned because someone asked about there being a back story. That's absolutely nothing to do with the watch at all.

The rings are relevant because you've brought them up so there's a resentment there which is influencing you

Just like I suspect your DP is rethinking the relationship a bit as well, seeing his son plan a wedding with someone he presumably hasn't been with for as long as you and he had been together whilst you're still treating him as something temporary. It might also be him realising that when you split up (which is a factor you keep working off too, when not if) he won't have something special to him from his mother

I'm also surprised he would give a sentimental piece of family jewellery to a girlfriend rather than keep it in the family.

Did you interpret his giving it to you as a sign of commitment, or intention to progress the relationship? And now it's hurtful that he's seemingly taken that away?

If so I can see why it might feel that way, but if you still have some of the other pieces then I think he's probably just trying to include her as opposed to excluding you.

But if the OP, as is obviously her right, having been hurt in the past, wants to stay living separately, she’s the one driving the status quo. It’s not that she’s desperately longing for signs of commitment. She has her own firm boundaries on what the relationship should look like, moving forward.

It doesn't belong to him anymore though

You sound petty. Let it go.

True. Thank you.

That's true, but I could understand someone who's been hurt in the past wanting to keep her boundaries until she sees some concrete signs of commitment. She could have taken this, cautiously, as such a sign, in which case I can see why it would feel upsetting - more so than someone else who's not in this sort of arm's length situation.

@ToKittyornottoKittythe reason I thought it strange was because the gift was given so long ago, it’s odd to want it back now.

I suspect the fact OP doesn’t want to marry or live with her DP may be a factor.

and I think your DP allowing his brother to have the 2 rings was the right thing to do, regardless of what happened to them next. The brother was the deceased’s son. His wife was the DIL. You were a girlfriend.

you still haven’t said if you ever wore the watch OP.

I wasn't suggesting you said the specific words "I can't be arsed" But that your actions said that. Not telling him you loved the 2 vintage rings and would like to keep them. Not wanting him to store a jewellery box at yours until the next time he was over. All give an impression you just really weren't that bothered about his dead mother's jewellery.

If this has nothing to do with the watch and you are not being influenced by that at all, then why did you mention it? If you wanted to give the background, the relevant background would just be about the watch not this tangent about rings and bil selling them.

It would be a cruel and petty person to withhold a piece of sentimental jewelry back from someone they care about "because it's mine now"

@Gazelda Yes I did.

I brought up the brother because someone suggested a back story. There isn't one about the watch/wedding but there is more generally about the brother and his character. I kept the items and wear them. They flogged them.

It’s lovely that he wants his DIL to have something of his mum’s, and for his son to have something of his grandma’s with them on their wedding day.

You may love the watch, but you need to give your partner some grace here. When he gave it to you there was no other obvious recipient in the close family (apart from the brother’s grabby wife), and at the time he won’t have been thinking of his child’s possible future partner.

His DIL is part of his family and will potentially be the mother of his grandchildren. Isn’t it obvious that this is where heirloom jewellery should go? It may be cheap or costume or H Samuel or whatever, but in families where everyone isn’t dripping with diamonds, these things are of equal value as sentimental keepsakes.

You’ve obviously resolved to live a separate life from your partner on entirely your own terms, as is your absolute right, but you can’t then complain that you’re not being given sufficient respect and treated as though you were his wife - and even if you were, wouldn’t you want to make a gift of the watch in line with your partner’s wishes? It was his mum’s!

YABVU.

I would have preferred it if he'd been honest instead of saying he wanted it for himself to remember his mother. That's disingenuous.

I agree. However your reaction to the request and hyperbolic language around it suggests he was perhaps trying to find the least inflammatory way of retrieving the watch from you.

Kindly, OP, you sound a tiny bit prickly and the situation really doesn’t merit you feeling ‘relegated, degraded and insulted’. It’s really not about you at all - your partner is trying to do the right thing by his mum and son, he’s not deliberately trying to hurt and offend you.

Him wanting it to remember his mother and him lending it to his future DIL aren't mutually exclusive

It doesn't sound like his giving it to her

He's lending it her as part of her wedding to remember his mother

You sound quite heartless and uncaring tbh

A lot of posters are criticising the OP for her reaction whilst being rude and aggressive in their responses. Such dicks.

OP, I hear you. Once a gift is given it belongs to the recipient. Your DP can ask for it back, but you are well within your rights to say no and that should not be an issue between you. Your DP was not open or transparent about the reasons why he wanted the watch back. That’s the crux of the situation. For that reason alone I would feel upset. As would all the negative nellies, on here sticking the boot in.

If it was me, I would call him out on his behaviour and take it from there.