AIBU to feel insulted?

[LucyFoley]

When my partner's mum died he gave me a few pieces of her jewellery. None expensive, a mix of costume jewellery and a few H Samuel things, gold watch etc. I had a good relationship with her.

He asked me for the watch back before Christmas. We have had separate properties as I don't want to be dependent on anyone as I've been in a position of splitting up and starting again before, and it suits him. It didn't at first but he accepted it.

He said it was because he had nothing of his mum's. I gave it back last week and asked him what he was going to do with it and he said he thought "Emily might want to wear it on her wedding day". Which was not what he told me originally.

Emily is his son's fiancee and they're getting married in the summer. She never knew his mother, had no relationship with her and was a child of 10 when she died, not even on the radar.

I feel relegated, dismissed and insulted.

Why shouldn’t they have separate properties ??
It doesn’t mean a relationship isn’t progressing if you don’t live together, personally I’d never live with anyone again .
My friend is with her partner 15 years, they both live separately, her 2 children are grown up , not living at home .
He comes to her one weekend, she goes to him the next .
They both work all week .
It works perfectly for them .

I've already said, I have been scalded in the past and had to begin again with nothing through having to split equity. I also have cats and he has 4 dogs. That won't work.

I think it’s shitty tbh. He already gave them to you. If he wanted it for himself fair enough but to give to someone else seems crappy. I would be insulted. I would probably upgrade the BF if I were you. Tell him you realise after this request that you aren’t family and therefore see no future. As for the retaining your own house - yes girl! Completely sensible. And on here you would be lambasted if you moved in with him and didn’t have the means to leave but then the same people tell you you’re not in a serious relationship because you don’t live together 😂 you can’t win.

Who wants to wear a H.Samuel watch from a dead woman they never met on their wedding day? 🤮 I don’t care how that makes me look either. No thank you.

No the jewellery box was not him lacking consideration

He offered

You declined

He offered someone else (his actual brother!)

You got pissy because the things you wanted but didn't articulate you wanted and dismissed the offer of taking were taken

OP doesn't know the watch is being given to Emily, it may just be being lent to Emily for the wedding as her "something borrowed" with a sentimental connection for the groom. There's no deceit in that - DP wanted it back to remember his mother, part of that can involving loaning it for his son's wedding

I also think its pretty cruel to keep sentimental items from the bereaved who may have given them over in a state of depression and have rethought it later when the situation changes 🤷‍♀️

And, tbh, OP has made it clear to her DP she sees the situation with them as a temporary thing which she plans to make no further commitment with. I wouldn't blame him for wanting his mother's watch to go to someone making a commitment to the family

I have never made it clear that he is temporary. I have however made it clear that I don't want to live with four labradors. He has asked me to rehome my cats, however.

I wasn’t questioning why you guys don’t live together , I was commenting with regard to the other pp who said about your relationship doesn’t seem to be progressing .
I read your posts .

Which you have every right to refuse

But "I'm keeping my house because when I've split up with someone before I've been stuck" is "I don't see us having a future and I always have one eye on leaving"

This is all very odd. I can’t imagine getting butthurt over jewelry from someone else’s family.

Now that I’ve read all the posts from OP .
No , he should not have taken back the watch .
He gave that to OP, end of .

Presumably his son getting married isn’t a new thing, & has been planned for quite a while , he could have given one of his mothers rings to his son .

The night he called around OP , I know it was late , but you saying to him you weren’t going to look now you’d look next time , & asking him to take jewellery box with him was a dismissive thing to do .

Well he's being asking for the watch back for a while

And the rings have long gone too (in a way they can't be reclaimed)

What would you have done if he had been honest?

YANBU to be angry that he lied about why he wanted the watch. I would be too. But multiple pp are asking if there's a backstory and trying to fill in the gaps because it's an extreme reaction to feel 'relegated, dismissed and insulted.'

Yes, but he should never asked back for it .
She & his mother got on very well as she said , so once he gave it he should have left it at that ..

He could have given his son one of the rings before his ( awful ) brother who sold them got to them .

But the OP has admitted she has no idea if he even has lied.

Because she hasn't asked him whether he's lending his future DIL the watch as 'something borrowed' on her wedding day, or if he's giving it to her.

You don’t ask for gifts back.

If he thought that Emily might want to wear it on her wedding day then it could have been arranged for you to loan it to her briefly for the occasion, for heaven’s sake.

But he didn't know he'd want the watch for the wedding

And the rings were long gone by the wedding...

I can imagine a thread by Emily next “AIBU not to wear STBH’s dead mum’s watch on my wedding day?”

I don’t think he should be asking for it back either - it was a gift.

Would a compromise be offering it as “something borrowed” and promising it will be left to your partner’s children in your will?

I offered my late MIL’s pearls, which I had inherited to my future DIL to wear on her wedding day, and to my future SIL when she married my BIL - I had worn them on my wedding day, loaned from my wonderful MIL and wanted to offer them the same chance. Both happily accepted, but if they hadn’t, it wouldn't have upset me or dh. Regardless of whether they accepted, I felt it was the right thing to make the offer. I think it also said something about how we were welcoming them to the family - I had felt the loan of the pearls welcomed me to the family, and I wanted them to feel the same sense of welcome. To be honest, even if they hadn’t said no thank you, I hoped the message would still feel the same.

I intended to make the same offer to any future family brides - no strings, and no worries if they say no thanks.

Is this really about the ring? I'm just wondering if you feel he has changed towards you in other ways. A feeling of not being so close any more? That would be very upsetting.

Very unlikely unless it is a designer watch. They would melt the gold down.A ladies watch is quite small ,so not much gold .

Yes. It can’t be worth ‘thousands’. This is what OP said:

None expensive, a mix of costume jewellery and a few H Samuel things, gold watch etc

So I think the monetary value is a bit of a red herring.

It's not about the money. I'd never have sold it.

Are you saying you think he might want to end the relationship so he got the watch back first?

@NoahDia no, just that it sounded as if he once felt close enough to give OP a ring, and now he doesn't want her to have it. Wondering if something has changed in how they feel about one another.