Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Will I be able expected to DTD?

115 replies

Paladinski · 19/01/2026 21:48

I’ve met a really nice man OLD after meeting several very disappointing ones with red flags all over the place.
I’ve not had any red flags from him at all and he’s a gentleman, we’ve had four dates and each time he’s arranged a taxi for me home and paid etc, he’s very complimentary and has told me he’s smitten with me, without being smothering in any way. It all seems a bit too good to be true to be honest because in the past I’ve made very poor choices with men who have been abuse and destroyed my confidence, so I’m extremely cautious.

He has suggested we go away for a night, his treat, for our next date, but I’m nervous as we haven’t had sex only kissed so far. I’m in my late 50’s for goodness sake - I was never this nun-like in my past!

I’m Im guessing he’s expecting intimacy so why am I suddenly so shy? Any advice anyone- sorry this should probably be in Relationships rather than AIBU.

OP posts:
Original poster
Paladinski · 19/01/2026 21:49

Sorry title should be ‘will I be expected to DTD’

OP posts:
Cookingupmyfirstbornson · 19/01/2026 21:49

Do you WANT to fuck him? And just nervous or are you getting a feeling that youre not ready yet

Abd80 · 19/01/2026 21:50

If you’re not comfortable going away for a night then say so! Don’t be pressured into anything. It seems very early to be going away together to me.

schopenhauer · 19/01/2026 21:51

You don’t have to go if you’re not comfortable, it seems a bit soon, maybe suggest something else?

chunkyBoo · 19/01/2026 21:51

Why not suggest separate rooms? … also make sure you tell people where you’re going and check in with friends (sorry seen a rather 😵 horror today so reminder to be safe!

Isadora2007 · 19/01/2026 21:52

I would expect to tbh and if you’ve been kissing do you feel like you’d like to? You’re both adults so if you want to then go for it and enjoy… if you’re nervous then speak to him about it and see how he reacts? Maybe a night of relaxing and having a nice dinner and drink and then bed will be lovely- sounds it. Don’t overthink it.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 19/01/2026 21:53

He might be hoping for it. You could say that you’re not up for it yet if you think that will take the pressure off. You can always change your mind.

66babe · 19/01/2026 21:54

I agree .. go away and ask for separate rooms so you can enjoy each others company .. see how you feel
You shouldn’t be expected to do anything you don’t want to do .. but if you feel comfortable and want to .. bloody go for it
And if you don’t , his reaction will tell you a lot , do what’s right for you .

MeganM3 · 19/01/2026 21:55

If you don’t want to be intimate yet that’s ok. But I would imagine if you really fancied him, after 4 dates you’d probably be looking forward to having sex with him. Perhaps he isn’t the right guy? Just because he’s doing and saying the right things doesn’t mean there’s a connection that you’re looking for.

Newbieyear · 19/01/2026 21:57

If you are not ready I would not go away with him yet. Even if you leave it a month or so and see how you feel then. I would not bother going if it was separate rooms. Yes I would imagine sex is on his agenda.

TheLadyWithoutTheLamp · 19/01/2026 21:59

He might want to have sex. If you don't want to, then don't

However I'd make that clear to him before he pays for the break, or pay for yourself

I think, for me, I'd be wary of letting a man pay for all dates/taxis. I wouldn't like that

hahagogomomo · 19/01/2026 21:59

To be honest, he’s wanting intimacy even if not dtd. If you aren’t ready just tell him you don’t want to go away yet. I was jumping at the bit by date 3 myself Grin

DontPokeMe · 19/01/2026 22:03

Are you feeling shy, or is your instinct telling you something?

While I'd say even if you do go, he shouldn't expect it, and you shouldn't feel obliged to, I think you're better off holding on for a while until you're more sure it's just nerves.

whatisheupto · 19/01/2026 22:06

Going away for the night after 4 dates? Not me!! No way. I think that's a bit mad.... too soon.

DeftGoldHedgehog · 19/01/2026 22:12

Why don't you get your own room then it's easier to decide?

Owly11 · 19/01/2026 22:12

'It all seems too good to be true'. Then it is. Be careful. I wouldn't be going away with someone so soon.

WallaceinAnderland · 19/01/2026 22:15

You sound like you are not ready so don't feel obliged. Why does he pay for the taxi every time. After four dates, that's a bit much OP.

If you want to go away I second the suggestion of separate rooms. Be honest with him, tell him you're not there yet and you'd like to get to know him better. But pay your way from now on.

TwistedWonder · 19/01/2026 22:16

TheLadyWithoutTheLamp · 19/01/2026 21:59

He might want to have sex. If you don't want to, then don't

However I'd make that clear to him before he pays for the break, or pay for yourself

I think, for me, I'd be wary of letting a man pay for all dates/taxis. I wouldn't like that

Must admit I’m similar age to the OP and I wouldn’t be letting a man pay for everything.

I think he’s obviously expecting sex when you go away for the weekend. You’re under no obligation to have sex with him before you’re ready but if you’re not then I think letting him pay for a weekend away is sending out the wrong signals.

If you’re not sure, offer to pay for your own room then you have the option to sleep separately or together depending on how you feel at the time.

Original poster
Paladinski · 19/01/2026 22:16

Thanks for all your responses, it just feels very intimate so soon, plus I suffer from insomnia which is fine when you’re alone in your own bed, but I can’t imagine being away and unable to sleep.
He is very understanding and I know if I said it was too soon he would be absolutely fine, but I just can’t work out why my sex drive or desire has disappeared…age? Hormones?

OP posts:
Imisscoffee2021 · 19/01/2026 22:16

Expecting something doesn't mean getting something. It's best to talk about this prior to getting there if you are worried.

Livelovebehappy · 19/01/2026 22:16

I’d be suggesting maybe him coming to your place for a meal? That way there’s no pressure, and if you want to have sex on the night, you can do without setting expectations, and if you don’t feel ready, he can just go back home after the meal. I think if you go away somewhere, and he’s paying, it kind of puts pressure on for things to happen, mainly because you’re both there overnight. And although he’s coming across as a gentleman, still be cautious. It’s very early days, and people can sell themselves as this perfect person after only four weeks.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 19/01/2026 22:17

If you haven’t slept together yet then I’d reply

‘I’d love to go away together. Please can you book two room 😊’. If he is genuine he should respect that you want your space, and you MIGHT want to dtd but it’s still nicer to have your own space. If he is in any way reluctant then say you’d only book a trip sharing a room with someone you were already in a relationship with

Alittlefrustrated · 19/01/2026 22:18

I think asking for seperate rooms wouldn't go well - far better not to go and explain that it's too soon for you. He's definitely wanting sex.
If he reacts badly to this, then that's a red flag for me.

Imisscoffee2021 · 19/01/2026 22:18

Paladinski · 19/01/2026 22:16

Thanks for all your responses, it just feels very intimate so soon, plus I suffer from insomnia which is fine when you’re alone in your own bed, but I can’t imagine being away and unable to sleep.
He is very understanding and I know if I said it was too soon he would be absolutely fine, but I just can’t work out why my sex drive or desire has disappeared…age? Hormones?

Biologically some women do lose interest in sex when they stop ovulating, but itndoesnt mean you can't reignite in some way and enjoy with the right partner, but part of that will involve being open with him about it and working out what works for you both.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 19/01/2026 22:18

Livelovebehappy · 19/01/2026 22:16

I’d be suggesting maybe him coming to your place for a meal? That way there’s no pressure, and if you want to have sex on the night, you can do without setting expectations, and if you don’t feel ready, he can just go back home after the meal. I think if you go away somewhere, and he’s paying, it kind of puts pressure on for things to happen, mainly because you’re both there overnight. And although he’s coming across as a gentleman, still be cautious. It’s very early days, and people can sell themselves as this perfect person after only four weeks.

A disagree, and invite to hers for dinner definitely implies sex is on the cards

Swipe left for the next trending thread