Will I be able expected to DTD?

[Paladinski]

I’ve met a really nice man OLD after meeting several very disappointing ones with red flags all over the place.
I’ve not had any red flags from him at all and he’s a gentleman, we’ve had four dates and each time he’s arranged a taxi for me home and paid etc, he’s very complimentary and has told me he’s smitten with me, without being smothering in any way. It all seems a bit too good to be true to be honest because in the past I’ve made very poor choices with men who have been abuse and destroyed my confidence, so I’m extremely cautious.

He has suggested we go away for a night, his treat, for our next date, but I’m nervous as we haven’t had sex only kissed so far. I’m in my late 50’s for goodness sake - I was never this nun-like in my past!

I’m Im guessing he’s expecting intimacy so why am I suddenly so shy? Any advice anyone- sorry this should probably be in Relationships rather than AIBU.

Perhaps postpone going away if your not ready.

If he is paying for everything then I'd stop letting him

Get your hormone levels checked?

Maybe you just don't fancy him much

Simple solution would be to book 2 rooms with a connecting door. You can by a door wedge for less then a fiver, if you're not feeling it just put it under from your side and say you're dairy intolerant

Yes, 1 million % stop letting him pay for things you should be paying for, especially your taxis!

You need a more even footing than that.

When some blokes pay for everything they often expect sex at some point in return.

You’ve only met him 4 times, it’s fine not to want to have sex this early on.

You do not have to do ANYTHING you don't want to do. Or before you are ready to do it. You are your own woman!

Obviously it's totally up to you, but I'd suggest it's a bit too much too soon. Tell him that, and if he respects that, then you can take it from there.
NOBODY should expect sex as some kind of payback for taxis (you imply you think this isn't the case, but it still might be).
The whole 'paying for your taxis home' thing is also a bit odd, imho. Depends on what sorts of people you are, I guess 😀

I think this is a very personal decision between the people concerned. It wouldn't be for me after 4 dates although that's purely because I'd have to be 100% certain there was more to it than a sexual conquest. If I was absolutely convinced he was relationship material & he made it clear then I'd consider it. I'm not sure that's possible after 4 dates though. Ultimately it's your decision. Whatever you decide I hope it works out for you.

If you want to DTD, go for it.. if you aren’t sure, book something further down the line and don’t go yet.
i hope it goes however you want it to @Paladinski ! Totally understand being shy.. I’m so so shy when it comes to intimacy so I have no advice on that but if it was me and I was happy to go, I’d probably have a few drinks to get over the ridiculous shyness 😂

Going away for a night after 4 dates seems quick to me.

Why go away? Is it a specific event or outing that you are both interested in?

Why can’t he just ‘ask you in for coffee’?

Are you sure he isn’t married?

Sorry to be suspicious.

This

I’m ready to have sex with someone loooong before I’d be contemplating sleeping in the same bed as them.

Regarding the taxis I have usually gone over in his direction (more and better options on restaurants and bars) and have got a lift over then he’s insisted on getting me home safely.

I would suggest that you find a reason not to go away with this man for the time being. He sounds lovely and it may be that you have a wonderful future together, but you don't sound 100% sure yet.

It is always entirely up to you when you are ready to move to the next level, but if you have had four romantic dates and then you agree to go to a hotel for your next date, then the message you are sending could suggest that you are open to a sexual relationship. Which is fine, wonderful even, if you are. But if you know that you're not then maybe better to stay on familiar ground for a few more dates at least.

And delaying sex by a few weeks will not harm your relationship if he is a man that is worth your time, but rushing into sex that you are not ready for could do harm. Is it worth the risk?

A night away definitely puts on to much expectation and pressure. You'll be vulnerable aay from home.

Just let it take its natural course.

He’s definitely not married, his marriage broke up seven years ago. I’ve been to his house twice before/after dates and he definitely lives alone.

Have fun girl!!

I think going away for the night before you do it is the wrong order of things.

I wouldn’t do that. By all means havefun whenever you are ready but at his or your place first. The last thing you want is to be stuck somewhere remote and something cringe happens (or is produced) and needing to escape out of there.

no way. By the way you will fall for him
a bit more once you have sex, there is no safe sex, no such thing as a condom for your heart.

Be careful out there.
Good luck x

Don’t go away with him if you aren’t ready to have sex. Why are you letting him pay for taxis and dinner? I wouldn’t suggest separate rooms (unless you paying for your own room - just say not ready to go away. And stop letting him pay for tacos and dinner.

I wouldn’t take him up on the offer of a hotel without thinking about having sex with him.
I also wouldn’t take taxi fare either until I was sure that I wanted a relationship.
They feel you owe them something when you put yourself in a takers position.

Probably yes, age and hormones. Perimenopause and menopause can cause both insomnia and lack of a sex drive. Talk to your GP about taking testosterone for lack of sex drive. And this will sound bizarre, but apparently eating 2 kiwis about 2 hours before bed can really help with insomnia.

With regards to the other stuff, a night away after 4 dates seems early to me. What are your living situations like at home? Could you bring him home after a date if you wanted sex or go to his house? Personally, I think I'd prefer that for my 1st time of being intimate with him. You'd have more control of the situation compared to being away in an unknown hotel room somewhere.

Thanks for making me laugh x

I could’ve written something similar to this as I’m going through the same thing, sort of… For me it’s the thought of sleeping together (ie in the same bed, overnight) that is worrying me more than having sex. I do think he’s taking it slowly too so I’m not too worried about that but I feel that sharing a bed is so intimate and I don’t think I’m ready for that yet. (It freaks me out more than having sex tbh!)

But why didn't you pay for them yourself. Or alternate?

Also, if he's already told you he's 'smitten' that can be a red flag. Together with the paying for everything and wanting to go away so soon it does sound like he's just in it for sex.

If you really wanted to go you would be packing your bag instead of asking us what we think ! Trust your gut.