Will I be able expected to DTD?

[Paladinski]

I’ve met a really nice man OLD after meeting several very disappointing ones with red flags all over the place.
I’ve not had any red flags from him at all and he’s a gentleman, we’ve had four dates and each time he’s arranged a taxi for me home and paid etc, he’s very complimentary and has told me he’s smitten with me, without being smothering in any way. It all seems a bit too good to be true to be honest because in the past I’ve made very poor choices with men who have been abuse and destroyed my confidence, so I’m extremely cautious.

He has suggested we go away for a night, his treat, for our next date, but I’m nervous as we haven’t had sex only kissed so far. I’m in my late 50’s for goodness sake - I was never this nun-like in my past!

I’m Im guessing he’s expecting intimacy so why am I suddenly so shy? Any advice anyone- sorry this should probably be in Relationships rather than AIBU.

OLD = online dating x

This is a very sensible suggestion- thank you x

I always thought OLD was online dating for the elderly :-).

I’d imagine he’s suggesting it in the hope it would lead to this, yes. He probably doesn’t have the courage to ask you back to his after a date or to ask if he can come into yours so he thinks this is a way to do it. If you’re not comfortable then suggest separate rooms, you can always use the insomnia as a reason.

I wouldn't let him pay for everything. It creates an imbalance and a sense of obligation. Also, I wouldn't go away with someone I had met online and only had four dates with. It is too much too soon.

If you don't fancy him, stop dating him.

You don't have to fancy someone just because they're nice to you, you know. You can't force yourself to find him sexy. If you don't, you don't.

If you’re not attracted to this man stop letting him pay for everything otherwise that’s just grabby.

@Paladinski So after a string of men 10-20 years younger than you that you say have abused you and destroyed your confidence, you are dating a man 5 years younger than you who treats you well and seems to be very respectful.

You say you don't fancy him because he is so old. I wonder if you don't fancy him because he's so nice.

In any case, as pp has said, if you don't fancy the man stop letting him put his hand in his pocket and pay for everything. He is clearly smitten with you (his own words) and it is unfair not to be honest with him.

@Paladinski - @tachetastic flags a very good point. These much younger men you have dated have been bad for you. It sounds like you have a bit of a habit of choosing the wrong men to date. Unfortunately, dysfunctional relationships with abusive partners can create particularly intense chemistry and particularly strong highs and lows because everything is so extreme. It is unhealthy but can be mistaken for excitement and passion. A relationship which is steady, mutually supportive and mutually confidence-building probably can feel a lot quieter and perhaps even a bit boring when you're used to the drama of dysfunctional relationships. Robin Norwood's "Women Who Love Too Much" is very good on this and on how to value functional men who treat you well (the title is a bit misleading really but the contents are very useful).

As a separate point (and i have already posted on this), it seems too early for you to go away given that you haven't had sex yet because you've got nowhere to go if the sex doesn't go well and/or if you get there and you just aren't getting on very well. And even if you were already sleeping together, for many people, it would still be a bit soon to go away overnight. My now DH and I (together 25+ years) did go away after less than a month of dating but we had known each other for a while before we got together and, anyway, I was happy to make the trip. The mere fact you're uncertain is enough reason not to go.

I'm with those people who think if you had any chemistry, after 4 dates you'd be at least sort of up for it or even excited about sex.

Even if you are attracted to him, stop letting him pay for everything.

I did not agree to go away for a weekend with now DH until I'd been dating him for 14 weeks. I had sex with him before that though.

My first thought also. Too much too soon.

If you were happy with the thought, you wouldn’t be posting.

Talk to him and tell him you have problems sleeping. I am similar, and really struggle sleeping with anyone in my bed. A few years ago, I started seeing a guy who wanted us to spend a night away together pretty early on, I told him my worry about not being able to sleep. Turns out he was also didn't sleep terribly well. We ended up watching old movies and dozing together. (Not to mention having sex). It was great. Lots of chatting too. Alternatively, and if you do want to go away with him, ask for separate rooms with an adjoining door or if he's flush, a suite. If the worst comes to the worst, most nice hotels have a sofa in the room too. You can also delegate him to that.

Seriously though, ig you're considering dating a guy and having sex with him, you can talk to him about this stuff. If you feel you can't, then maybe you need to end things and move on to someone else.

If l thought the relationship was going places l would certainly want to have sex by this stage. If l was going away with someone l certainly wouldn’t want separate rooms. It’s not a Sunday School outing.

But, the first time l have sex with someone l would not want to spend the night with them. The whole bathroom thing the next morning etc is another level. I like to return to my own bed and my own thoughts afterwards.

But if you don’t want to go away with him at this stage, or ever, tell him now before a booking costs money.