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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Will I be able expected to DTD?

115 replies

Paladinski · 19/01/2026 21:48

I’ve met a really nice man OLD after meeting several very disappointing ones with red flags all over the place.
I’ve not had any red flags from him at all and he’s a gentleman, we’ve had four dates and each time he’s arranged a taxi for me home and paid etc, he’s very complimentary and has told me he’s smitten with me, without being smothering in any way. It all seems a bit too good to be true to be honest because in the past I’ve made very poor choices with men who have been abuse and destroyed my confidence, so I’m extremely cautious.

He has suggested we go away for a night, his treat, for our next date, but I’m nervous as we haven’t had sex only kissed so far. I’m in my late 50’s for goodness sake - I was never this nun-like in my past!

I’m Im guessing he’s expecting intimacy so why am I suddenly so shy? Any advice anyone- sorry this should probably be in Relationships rather than AIBU.

OP posts:
TimezoneEarth · 19/01/2026 23:55

Christ! 4 dates is nothing, you barely know this man!
A hard no from me.

Jamandtoastfortea · 20/01/2026 00:05

Do not go on a mini break with this guy. He thinks that paying for taxis and a hotel gets him a shag. You will be in a strange environment and potentially vulnerable with someone you hardly know. If he realises he isn’t going to get his way he coukd get tricky. Pay for your own taxis (or drive) from now on - I know some women like to be treated - but it often comes with a price tag! Obviously you don’t have to have sex eith anyone you don’t want to, but he doesn’t sound like someone who slwsys sees it that way. Tske care

jay55 · 20/01/2026 00:09

Agree with pp it’s the wrong order. You can’t go away for the first time you do it, what if it’s shit and you can’t escape. What if you have no sexual chemistry and it’s all awkward and you can’t leave.

CarminaBiryani · 20/01/2026 00:12

How long in the past have you waited before DTD with the partners that ended up abusive? General advice would be to take that amount of time, and triple it. That way you know your feelings are sure and you aren't getting spun by special treatment etc.

InSearchOfMartin · 20/01/2026 00:20

CantBreathe90 · 19/01/2026 22:45

I think it's heavily implied that "going away together" means sex imo. If it were me I'd decline, until you're already at that stage. He sounds lovely, so I'm sure won't be difficult about it (and if a person IS difficult about this sort of thing then they should be binned off anyway).

Re not wanting sex yet, I don't think that's a problem at all, so long as you know you fancy him. Idk where this notion has come from, that everyone must be gagging for it by the 2nd date? I think historically this hasn't been the norm or the expectation. And for me at least, as well as the hormones not being the same as when I was 14, I'm less trustful, more body conscious, more tired, more distracted by responsibilities, on more medications than when I was younger... all of which reduce my sex drive. It's not abnormal in itself.

You don't know them from a can of paint after 4 dates and definitely not 2. I wouldn't have shagged anyone as early as that. I know there are stories on here where people have said they slept with their husband on the first date or after meeting them in a bar and everything worked out and they're happy but I couldn't have done that myself.

researchers3 · 20/01/2026 00:33

Paladinski · 19/01/2026 22:16

Thanks for all your responses, it just feels very intimate so soon, plus I suffer from insomnia which is fine when you’re alone in your own bed, but I can’t imagine being away and unable to sleep.
He is very understanding and I know if I said it was too soon he would be absolutely fine, but I just can’t work out why my sex drive or desire has disappeared…age? Hormones?

Maybe you don't fancy him or some instinct is warning you off?

Kokonimater · 20/01/2026 00:34

It’s only been four dates. It’s too soon. The fact that you are even questioning it shows that you are not ready go out with him for a few months before you decide these sort of things should just evolve and happen naturally not be forced. There’s no rush.

Dery · 20/01/2026 00:36

“jay55 · Today 00:09
Agree with pp it’s the wrong order. You can’t go away for the first time you do it, what if it’s shit and you can’t escape. What if you have no sexual chemistry and it’s all awkward and you can’t leave.”

This with bells on. It’s a bit odd that you’ve always gone for considerably younger men and you say that your previous relationships have been abusive. It may be that this guy is different since it sounds as if you’re changing some patterns but there’s no need to rush anything and plenty of reason not to. As another PP said - if this was right for you, you would have said yes, not posted on MN for advice and having sex for the first time when you’re away sounds like a very bad idea.

Okayfenokay · 20/01/2026 00:40

Seems very soon to be going away with someone for an overnight stay.

Also...why is he paying for your taxis home?

Heatherandgreentartan · 20/01/2026 00:59

tachetastic · 19/01/2026 22:28

I would suggest that you find a reason not to go away with this man for the time being. He sounds lovely and it may be that you have a wonderful future together, but you don't sound 100% sure yet.

It is always entirely up to you when you are ready to move to the next level, but if you have had four romantic dates and then you agree to go to a hotel for your next date, then the message you are sending could suggest that you are open to a sexual relationship. Which is fine, wonderful even, if you are. But if you know that you're not then maybe better to stay on familiar ground for a few more dates at least.

And delaying sex by a few weeks will not harm your relationship if he is a man that is worth your time, but rushing into sex that you are not ready for could do harm. Is it worth the risk?

This^

You aren’t sure. Best to not go away with him until you are.

tinyspiny · 20/01/2026 01:03

If you don’t fancy him then stop seeing him but definitely don’t have sex with someone you aren’t even attracted to .

Ilovelifeverymuch · 20/01/2026 01:12

Cookingupmyfirstbornson · 19/01/2026 21:49

Do you WANT to fuck him? And just nervous or are you getting a feeling that youre not ready yet

Jeez went straight into it 😂

Ilovelifeverymuch · 20/01/2026 01:14

Paladinski · 19/01/2026 22:40

I’m wondering if I’m struggling to fancy him because he’s close to my age and all my previous partners (which haven’t worked out I hasten to add) have been anything from 10 to 20 years younger than me, so he seems so much older than them, even though he’s 5 years my junior. I’m just not used to ‘older’ men, not good on my part I realise.

When you said OLD I thought you meant he was way older than you not 5 years younger than you.

It doesn't look like you fancy him and maybe your preference is for younger men which is fine. In that case you should end it and stop stringing him along.

Iwanttocomebackasmycat · 20/01/2026 01:14

perhaps do something together (4-5 hours) involving a shared interest that isn't a dinner date or staying overnight. To get to know him better, and broaden your relationship. See if your connection grows or shrinks before you commit to going somewhere overnight.

(And share the cost.)

Ilovelifeverymuch · 20/01/2026 01:17

user1492757084 · 19/01/2026 23:38

Age doesn't come into it.
You need to feel ready for an overnight trip and you are not.

Get to know him a lot better.
You might never be comfortable with him - he might not be a long term prospect for you.

Age comes into it if she prefers men 10-20 younger than she is. It's not a coincidence that her previous relationships have been that young and she finds a man 5 years younger OLD.

Anyonecansee · 20/01/2026 01:46

Your first sex date should be somewhere you are comfortable I think.

Nothing wrong with not wanting sex yet, but it is pretty obvious he does.

If you want you could certainly tell him you're not keen on sex yet, but it's inevitable it will head that way soon assuming there's no reason you have not mentioned to suggest otherwise.

If you don't want sex with him and he does want sex, maybe just let him go and find someone more compatible.

FlippersOrFins · 20/01/2026 02:14

3luckystars · 19/01/2026 22:42

You shouldn’t be struggling to fancy him! What are you doing woman???

it’s nothing to do with age

It definitely could be to do with age if she's usually attracted to significantly younger men.

I don't think there's anything wrong, OP, four dates in seems quite soon for a night away together. Do you find him attractive? Based on what you've written, he sounds like a nice person, but that may not be enough.

araiwa · 20/01/2026 02:16

If you book and pay for the hotel, you can get two rooms

soverymuchdone · 20/01/2026 02:52

It doesn't sound like you even fancy him, to be honest, and are just persevering because you think you need a boyfriend and he seems like a decent enough candidate for the role.

It isn't fair on either of you. Let it go.

ilovepuppies2019 · 20/01/2026 03:13

I think 4 dates is way too soon to suggest going away together. You’ll likely be somewhere without independent transport or a separate place to go if things don’t work out. You really don’t know him at all and anyone can’t put up a pleasant front for 4 days.

personally I wouldn’t consider going away for a few months. Have sex in a safe place first. His house where you can leave when you want and can safely back out would be better. Then when you do go away you can be confident he’s a nice man and feel comfortable with sex.

BeardieWeirdie · 20/01/2026 07:02

If a man didn’t fancy me at 39 enough to want to have sex with me because he’s too used to shagging 19-year-olds, I’d be revolted. Nobody stood be expected to put out after 4/5/6/any set number of dates, but your rationale is gross.

FlippersOrFins · 20/01/2026 07:10

BeardieWeirdie · 20/01/2026 07:02

If a man didn’t fancy me at 39 enough to want to have sex with me because he’s too used to shagging 19-year-olds, I’d be revolted. Nobody stood be expected to put out after 4/5/6/any set number of dates, but your rationale is gross.

She's in her late 50s and past partners have been in their late 30s and 40s. The gross rationale you've described isn't relevant here.

benten54 · 20/01/2026 07:44

What is DTD? Do the dick?! Dog the dog? The mind boggles.

chunkyBoo · 20/01/2026 08:40

benten54 · 20/01/2026 07:44

What is DTD? Do the dick?! Dog the dog? The mind boggles.

do the deed … it’s Shakespearean for sex

SnowyMcSnow · 20/01/2026 08:52

No way would I consider going away with someone after meeting just 4 times that’s insane.

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