Getting married and not telling anyone?

[Differentusername70]

I've NC for this.

DP and I have been living together for years, no shared children, we are in our 50's and 60's, and we are very happy as we are, balanced with assets and finances and share all that we have. I'm approaching early retirement, he's already retired.

We really ought to get married/ enter into civil partnership to protect our finances, we have wills but we will be exposed to inheritance tax in the event one of us dies.

Getting married with our families in attendance will be a logistical nightmare working around close family members who live overseas and are tied to school holidays, ditto UK relatives who live at the other end of the country and are tied to often different school holidays. My family is huge and we'd usually invite everyone.

It would be 2027 at the earliest before we could even get the close familes together and having already had a cancer diagnosis (me) a few years ago that worries both of us.

We tempted with getting married and telling absolutely nobody. It is literally just to fix the financial position, we don't feel the need to be married. I wouldn't change my name regardless.

We might, possibly have a blessing or similar in the future so the grandchildren can be bridesmaids/ pages and we could tell everyone then.

Has anyone done this? How bad would this be? We know that to work we would have to tell no-one!

I think it’s a great idea.

We did this, had a ceremony in a beautiful setting, us, 2 witnesses and 2 celebrants, mn often ask if anyone could be a witness.

Get the legal bit done just the 2 of you, then have a celebration down the line.

Yeah I’d do it, arrange a do in 2027 as a post wedding celebration.

Yes we did! Civil partnership, same reasons, been together years, no children together.
No interest in having a fuss.
Was fine. One of my daughters was probably mildly miffed, but not really.
Relief to have it all done and dusted. 😂

Just do it - you dont need anyone permission

Remember to update your wills when you have married if you want your assets to go to your respective DCs

We did, it was pretty fabulous, on our own, random witnesses.

Yes do it. We had a tiny wedding of ten only. I know that's not what you are wanting but you can do whatever you want to do.

Well you've already told me and I'm upset not to be invited.

I don't like it, it feels sneaky. Eloping is one thing, but getting married and not telling even your children seems deceitful. Of course it's legal and your business, but god forbid something does happen and your husband is next of kin when your child thought it was them. It could cause a lot of upset at a traumatic time. I think you should elope, share the nice news, and organise a celebration.

Do it!

We did it with two witnesses, and didn't tell anyone at all for about five years -- even then, it only slipped out, because we'd forgotten other people didn't know. Wasn't a biggie. No one threw a fit or expressed heartbreak. We were very clear that there was never an alternative reality in which we had 200 guests, a cathedral length veil and photos at a local beauty spot.

Like you, we'd been together for aeons and all of both families were overseas, and we both have huge immediate families, so even only inviting parents and siblings would have been a far bigger organisational bother than either of us had the remotest interest in managing.

Marrying made literally no difference to our lives, other than sorting out a few logistical issues that made things easier.

So, go for it. There was absolutely no downside. We had a very pleasant ten-minute ceremony and an excellent lunch with our witnesses. After which life continued as usual.

I got married and no one knew.. we went shopping the Saturday before, he picked the rings and I picked the dress. Tuesday we went to the mosque and another man who happened to be there for prayer was more than happy to be our witness on the spot. Quiet and lovely ceremony. Then a meal after to celebrate. Just us. Was superb.

i wouldn’t do this. You are completely or at least partially disinheriting your children and leaving whichever one of you survives the first person’s death behind to explain the change. it will add trauma to an already difficult time.

That's what wills are for

When I married my first H in my early 20s we only told his brother and one mutual friend. They were our witnesses.
We had a wonderful day. Much, much more enjoyable than my disastrous wedding day to my second DH which my family attended and predictably totally ruined.

Go for it OP!

Yes absolutely it wouldn't alter any inheritance position. It would actually protect the value of our respective estates so more to share around in due course!

I get this and it's the alternative view I was looking to hear. We've got a number of little girls who would love to be bridesmaids but we just cannot get them all to the same place this year.

I don't think either of our immediate families think they are NOK currently and our Power of Attorneys will deal with that.

I think it's a lovely idea. You don't have to invite the entire clan, Aunty Grot and Uncle Willy and all. You could do it just the two of you with a couple of trusted friends as witnesses, or just invite your children.

But no-one else gets a say in whether and how you get married.

My father did this, just went and got remarried and then told us all. Yes we were grown ups with our own families and in reality it didn’t affect us at all (except from inheritance which is another story). None of us were bothered, if it’s what he wanted, but to not tell us, I was so hurt.

i remember when he phoned to tell me all I could think about was when he said i do, I was in Tesco shopping. He did eventually understand that we all felt hurt that we didn’t know. Like you, it would have been a nightmare getting everyone together, but we would have liked to know so at the time I could be thinking of him instead of buying loo roll

My mum and her partner did this. Civil partnership. Told us kids a few days before but asked us to understand and respect that they just wanted it to be the two of them in their jeans and two random witnesses. All good. Do it.

So my Dad did this years ago, except I was a very small child and whilst other people in our small town knew so that both my mum and his own mum were told about it on the street by others he didn't actually tell us himself which caused no end of hurt and aggro.

I think that's why the tell nobody approach appeals!

Lots of older people want to formalise things. The biggest uptake of civil partnership for mixed sex couples is older demographic according to ONS. Lots do it as part of financial planning and just put it with will telling no one.

They were talking about this on Radio 2 today, were you listening? If not, maybe have a listen from 12pm slot…

Do it! Friends of mine got married, with just 2 witnesses, and got around to telling their respective families about 4 months later. Nobody turned a hair.