Am I allowed to be upset??

[Notamummsymum]

My 99 year old grandma died two days ago. I thought I would have been ok when she passed but it’s affecting me more than I thought. DH keeps saying she’s 99 I can’t expect her to live forever and that I’m making a big deal out of it.

Everyone seems to assume he's never lost anyone and that's why he's being callous about this - but I wonder if he has, and that's why he can't see why you aren't grateful you had so long with her? I have a friend who admitted to me that she (secretly!) struggles when people lose very elderly relatives because her own mum died so young - she knows it's irrational, and unpleasant, and keeps it to herself, but I understand why she feels that way. Your DH clearly isn't showing the same sort of self reflectiveness, but if he has lost his relatives young he may be thinking on some level that you've been very lucky.

Also, I personally have never known someone in their late 90s where they weren't ill/frail enough that there was an element of relief because the suffering was over when they passed - a sense that it was absolutely their time. Obviously there are people who are still healthy and active at that age, and your grandmother may have been one of them, but that might also be colouring his reaction.

Is your husband always so insensitive and unfeeling? Does he know that people don't only experience grief when a death is unexpected or premature?

I'm sorry for your loss. Grief isn't something you choose, it's something you feel and there is no time limit on it.

Of course you are allowed to be upset the longer a person lives for the worse it is...you think they will live for ever

of course you are "allowed" to be upset at losing someone you loved!
I feel the pain of loss is directly proportional to your love for your person.
Your husband seems to have no clue and seems emotionally stunted.

@Notamummsymum I’m very sorry for the loss of such an important person in your life. You’ve an absolute right to feel as you do. The loss of a grandparent is hard.

Your DH is very insensitive and I’m quite surprised you say he lost his DM five years ago as it would be easy to assume he hadn’t experienced the loss of someone close. Then again the ability to appreciate someone else’s position and their sense of loss is not built into only those who have had the experience.

My experience of bereavement when my 82 year old father died five years ago (as a result of delayed cancer treatment due to COVID) was that the most difficult to deal with reaction was the minimising:

“at least he was old, at least it wasn’t COVID, at least you’ve still got your mum, at least he didn’t suffer like so and so (how TF can you be sure of that?)”.

So my first rule of responding to someone’s grief is to respond just to them and not try and relate it to my own feelings, other people’s experiences etc - it’s not relevant. And never respond with ‘at least …’ And don’t ignore it altogether in the ultimate act of minimisation.

The other thing that I found difficult is having someone respond by trying to slot the loss into a position on some kind of Grief Hierarchy, e.g “you think you’re devastated about your dog, my friend lost her favorite uncle two weeks ago [and an uncle is 10 points, (but only 7 points if over 70), whereas your dog is only 3 points on the Allowable Grief Scale]. There was a lot of that during Covid with people questioning the value of treating old people - hard to hear when it’s your old person, so I can really appreciate how you feel about your DH’s comments. Over all it is the minimising of feelings that is very hard to take at a difficult time (even if it is well meant clumsiness, not sure if that’s the case with your DH).

Sorry for your loss of your Grandma. Look after yourself and take the time you need. 💐

Sorry for your loss OP. I also lost my grandma at 99, the day before her birthday. I still miss her years after, and always will. Grief is love.