Am I allowed to be upset??

[Notamummsymum]

My 99 year old grandma died two days ago. I thought I would have been ok when she passed but it’s affecting me more than I thought. DH keeps saying she’s 99 I can’t expect her to live forever and that I’m making a big deal out of it.

Has no one he loved died? Of course you’re sad, why’s he such a hard hearted twat? I’m sorry you’re grieving 💐

You had 99 years with her. That’s one hell of a relationship to lose, regardless of whether or not it was meant to happen. People are dicks. Sorry for your loss, OP 💔

Yes you absolutely are. You loved her. You are allowed to grieve. Her age isn't important.

My grandma died in 1987 and I still get upset sometimes.

Your DH is a twat. Of course you can be upset, you've lost someone who was important to you. Age is completely irrelevant.

Im so sorry for your loss. Your dh sounds like an absolute tool. Of course you are right to be upset (or however you feel) Losing my grandmother was a very hard time for me. Sending you lots of love ❤️

Has he had a sensitivity bypass?

Sorry for your huge loss

It isn’t quite different. It’s saying exactly the same thing i.e. get over it. Not allowing people to grieve by shutting them down isn’t comforting, it is shutting them up. Comforting would be ‘of course you are sad, you’ve know her a long time, you were close, she was a lovely woman’ etc.

People said similar to me when my elderly mum died. Oh well, she was 97, it was time, she’s better where she is, you must be relieved. Just because someone is old their loss isn’t any less. If anything, you have more memories and I got closer to my mum in her old age. Of course it is the natural order of life but that doesn’t make the loss any less and we are spectacularly bad about talking about death in this country and supporting the bereaved. We need to do better.

We grieve because we have lost someone we loved.
We grieve because there will be no more time with them, no more memories, no more sharing of life events.
We grieve because we will miss their company, and spending time with them.

grief is totally normal when we lose someone close. We even grieve when someone moves away, or when a child grows up and leaves home, because we will have less time with that person.

Of course it is easier to come to terms with the fact that someone has died when it is expected, fewer shouts of why did this happen? And there isn't the shock of a sudden death to deal with. But that doesn't change the fundamental point.
We have lost someone.

I am so sorry for your loss.❤

So sorry for your loss ❤, it doesn't matter that your gm was 99, she was someone you loved and cared for.

My dh is a bit like yours. My mum is 83 and in advanced dementia and hasn't got much long left in this world, I cry for her every day but he likes to remind me that she's lived longer than his dm (she died 5 years ago at 77) and that she's had a good life so time to move on!

Some people have very little empathy when it comes to losing older loved ones. We still loved them though regardless of their age.

Well of course you couldn't expect her to live forever, but she has been in your life for all of it & it was always going to be hard.

With her being 99 it's less of a shock but that doesn't make it any less upsetting.

My granny is 98 and I will be devastated when she goes. I won’t have additional grief you feel when someone has gone before their time but I will still miss her. I was very despondent for about a month when she moved to a care home recently. I have been visiting her in her flat for 35 years and have many happy memories there. Everyone, from dh and close friends to work colleagues was empathetic and kind about it. I’m sorry he can’t do that for you. And sorry for your loss.

Age has nothing to do with it. It’s not a shock but it still hurts.

He sounds like the kind of guy who freaks out when a bird poos on his car and expects everyone to understand how distraught he is. Sigh
You don't need his permission to have feelings.

Of course - you can be sad for the loss of a person you will miss at the same time as acknowledging and being grateful for a long life well lived. That’s certainly how I felt when my 96 year old grandfather died. He was ready to go, it was an expected death, but we still grieved him and I would not have wanted to change that or apologise for it.

he likes to remind me that she's lived longer than his dm (she died 5 years ago at 77) and that she's had a good life so time to move on!

Ooh that is horrible.

My mum was early 60s when she died.

I keep my bitterness to myself!

Just because something isn’t a shock doesn’t mean it’s not sad. He’s being a dickhead.

He sounds about as sensitive as the person who asked me 2 days after a bereavement whether I was "over it" yet

Yes, he might have been trying to frame it in a way that makes it easier to bear.

Of course you are entitled to be upset, but how are you sharing the emotions? If you're devastated and keep saying "OMG she's gone" I can understand his reaction.

My DM died at a similar age and although I was/am heartbroken, it's always while acknowledging gratitude that she had a long and happy life.

Sorry for your loss OP 💗

Yeah, you're allowed to be upset. He's being quite inconsiderate.

Her age is irrelevant. You loved her. She was part of you. Sorry for your loss xx

The death of a 99 year old is not a tragedy. But losing someone you’ve loved all of your life is a sad event and of course it’s going to impact you.

I am so sorry for your loss. Your grandma has been an important part of your entire life, of course you are grieving. Your DH is an insensitive arse.

Grief is a process we all go through in coming to terms with a loss. It doesn't matter how old the person was it's about what they meant to you. Or does he think there should be a scale e.g. hit 70 and noone should have to grieve for you? 🙄

There is a difference to the way grief feels when someone passes unexpectedly or at a point we feel is too soon, vs a situation where it was a natural evolution. That doesn't mean the grief isn't real and strong and impactful either way.

When my father dies, he will do so at a good age, having had a really good life and I believe I will take comfort from that. But I'm also 100% certain I will nonetheless be devastated.

Her longevity is an intellectual point that means her death is not tragic. It’s a completely separate thing from the huge grief you feel now that she’s gone. As a PP said, i still feel grief for the grandparents i lost 20+ years ago and more recently, for my mum who died 13 years ago and for my stepdad who died 5 years ago. You learn to live with the grief so it doesn’t dominate but it’s there if you look for it. Of course you’re still intensively grieving after 2 days. You probably will for quite a while yet.