Am I allowed to be upset??

[Notamummsymum]

My 99 year old grandma died two days ago. I thought I would have been ok when she passed but it’s affecting me more than I thought. DH keeps saying she’s 99 I can’t expect her to live forever and that I’m making a big deal out of it.

My mother is 94 ...95 in March. Still lives at home and is semi independent but getting frailer. I am going to be really upset, I know, when she dies and so will all of her grandchildren who are all now adults with children of their own. We know she can't live forever but she's been part of all of our lives for all of our lives and we will all miss her. I am very sorry for your loss op. 💐

Of course your allowed to be upset she was your grandma tell your husband to dig down deep and find his misplaced empathy, I helped to take care of my grandma in the final few years of her life she died in December and I’m so lost without her even though we had already grieved for her while watching her slowly slip away to the environmental delirium I’m grieving for her in a different way she was 87 and we knew she wasn’t going to last much longer but it still hurts that she’s not here anymore.

Your DH is a heartless bastard! I lost both my parents over a decade ago and in all honesty I’m still grieving I guess. I have days when nothing bothers me but then a simple thing like a song on the radio or a place name comes up in conversation which sparks a precious memory and I’m struggling all over again!

Hold your memories close OP, your DGM was obviously very special to you 💐💐

Of course you're upset. You've had her your entire life.

I was absolutely devastated when my nan died. It was years ago now and it still makes me sad to think about it. She was just such a huge part of my life.

Your DH is being ridiculous. There's a massive difference between acknowledging that someone has lived a long life and knowing it will inevitably end at some point to actually having to deal with the loss and grief.

I think in the longer term it helps to be able to say they lived to a good age. But that comes later.

I will be charitable and assume he's not lost anyone close yet.
i think it's surprising how sad/blindsided we can be at the loss of anyone we loved and until you've been through it you've no idea how you're going to react

My grandad was 97 when he died. He had a good life and was well cared for. I only really cried at the funeral which I had to watch from my husband's bedside. He was very ill with complications from his prostate cancer op so I was more worried about him tbh. You can be sad but be grateful that she lived as long as she did - hopefully without pain.

I agree about the touch stone

OP Feel what you feel, and react however you need to - that is your prerogative no one has the right to dictate that to you.

It's not just the physical presence... its the fact that they have been in the background all your life, a sense of security that there was someone older and wiser who had your interests at heart..
It leaves a gap, and its the end of an era, things will change as people accommodate themselves to that gap Life suddenly becomes a bit more uncertain. If this comes on top of an earlier bereavement, it can bring the feelings from the first one to the surface again.
Even if someone is very old and it is expected. When it actually happens it can still be a shock. Its the finality of the thing.

If your Dh was saying it to comfort you, he has probably not experienced a similar loss and may have been trying, although clumsily, with good intent.

If he's saying it because he is tiring of your grief - after just two days and before the funeral - that's another thing entirely and he should have more respect.

It is often said, but I do think its true, that time is a healer. I don't know about that, but it does make it more bearable to live with. Give yourself time xx

Everybody is going to die at some point, that doesn't mean you can't be really upset when it happens! Even if they have had a good, long life.

I truly thinks he means to be kind, but it would be kinder of him to talk let you talk about how much you love and miss your grandma who has been part of your life for decades.

It’s does not matter that she’s 99 your grief is your grief and it’s completely valid! I was really upset when all my grandparents passed. It also reminds you of how life in finite and certain good times with your wider family are just behind you now. You DH is being very unkind. Sorry for your loss.

She Could have been 150 and you would still grieve her loss.

Perfectly reasonable (expected and natural) for you to be upset over your grandmas death.

it’s not perfectly reasonable for your husband to react this way. He either has severe emotional issues or is a complete dick.

So sorry you have just lost your Grandma💐 Yes she was 99 but that has bugger all to do with grief and the sense of loss. I take it when a close loved to your twunt of a husband dies he will just shrug and carry on ?

Why would you not be allowed to be upset? Of course she lived a long life and that’s great but you are allowed to be upset at her death!

OF COURSE YOU CAN BE UPSET!!!! I'm so sorry for the loss of your Grandma x

Your DH is an idiot. Of course you’re allowed to be sad no matter what her age. Yes you can console yourself with the fact she lived a long life, but that doesn’t mean you are not allowed to be upset. When people are grieving you don’t grieve less because someone was expected to die. I’d tell him if he doesn’t have anything kind to say, to keep quiet.

The fact someone had a long life does not make the pain of losing them any less - if anything, it might be worse, as they have been part of not just your childhood, but also your adult life for so long. Knowing that something painful is coming does not lessen the pain.

Sorry your DH is so thick.

I am sorry for your loss.

And no, you are absolutely not unreasonable to be upset!

is your DH intentionally belittling you and your grief or is he trying to (unhelpfully) comfort you by suggesting that you shouldn’t be that sad because she’s already old?

The former is absolutely vile. The latter would be clumsy and unhelpful but his attempts would be coming from a good place, which would make me want to talk to him (if you are up for it). Or simply show him this thread…

I had similar some years ago. I found myself randomly bursting into tears. I ran out of petrol while driving. It was really tough for a couple of weeks, but it does get better.

I lost my 96 year old pil that drove me around the bend, behaved increasingly unreasonable created a huge amount (at least daily) of work and 5/6 nights a week call outs therefore not a lot of sleep.

I was still upset. Your husband is being really unkind.

I am so sorry for your loss and if she lived to such a good age , then you are likely to be more upset because she has been part of your life longer.
Your husband is being very unkind.

That's hardly the same as saying you are not allowed to be upset.

Just because it's expected doesn't make it hurt less. Your husband's being weird here.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Sympathies for your loss.
The death of my grandmother was incredibly sad. She had been such an important part of my life. We had shared interests in gardening and various crafts and I had spent a lot of time with her in her home and garden. She was very special to me.
I would have been furious with anyone who made light of my grief.

Is your grief inconveniencing him? He sounds quite self centred and lacking empathy.

Of course you’re allowed to be upset when someone you love dies. This is not a stranger you read about in a newspaper.