Husband resents ds with Down syndrome.

[BaronRock]

I really dont know if Im being unreasonable or if my gut is screaming at me for a reason.

Our ds is 4 and has Down syndrome. He starts school in September which is a whole other emotional thing. Hes a lovely little boy but toileting is a massive issue. He hates us changing him at the best of times. Always has. It causes huge distress and meltdowns, especially if hes tired or unwell.

H has been pushing hard for potty training because hes four now and starting school. He is really embarrassed about ds still being in nappies and he hates taking him out because changing him is such a nightmare. The changing tables are often too small, ds panics, kicks off, tries to run away. So H now pretty much refuses to take him anywhere on his own. If I cant go too, they just dont go.

This afternoon ds had done a poo in his pants. When we tried to change him he completely lost it. Crying, stiffening his legs, running away. He wouldnt let us near him. H started snapping and then shouting. He told him to fucking stand still. Hearing that aimed at my four year old made my stomach drop.

The more H shouted, the worse ds got. In the end he was hysterical and running from room to room so I said lets just put him in the bath. That was the only way we could clean him without physically holding him down. Even then ds was sobbing.

After his bath I put a nappy on him because he was exhausted and clingy and I couldnt face another battle. H shouted at me for doing that and said whats the point, youre just undoing it, hes never going to learn.

For background, weve had a horrible few days. Ds has had a cold and a stomach bug at the same time. Hes been uncomfortable and miserable and barely sleeping. Ive barely slept either because its mostly fallen on me to settle him. H is tired too but not in the same way.

After everything calmed down, H said he didnt sign up for this. That he knew having a disabled child would be hard but he didnt realise it would be like this. That everything feels like a constant fight and hes fed up.

All evening hes been off with ds. Ds has been trying to climb on him, sit next to him, get his attention and H has just not really acknowledged him. Not cruel, just distant. Ds doesnt understand and keeps trying, which breaks my heart.

This isnt a one off. H snaps at ds a lot. He expects him to understand and comply like a typical four year old and gets angry when he cant. Afterwards he feels guilty and shuts down, but in the moment ds takes the brunt of it.

I know H is grieving the child and life he thought we would have. I know the school thing is bringing a lot up. But ds is four. He didnt choose this. I cannot accept him being shouted at and sworn at for things he genuinely cant help.

I feel like Im constantly buffering between them. Protecting ds while trying to keep H stable. Im exhausted and starting to feel resentful and scared about the long term impact on ds.

Am I being unreasonable to think this has crossed a line? How do I handle this without blowing our marriage apart or allowing ds to be emotionally hurt?

No. I'm quite sure that it's not shortsighted, but rather my knowledge of my capabilities (or lack thereof).

I'm not sure why the dogged insistence from several people on this thread that I must know myself and my capabilities less than they do, despite them not knowing a thing about me. It's very strange.

@OtterlyAstounding If something happened to your child that caused them to have a disability, do you think you could cope? You'd be in the minority if you couldn't.

You don’t get to choose. I had no way of knowing that my DC would be intellectually disabled. I too would have told people that there was ‘no way’ I could ‘do it’.

I do it because I have to. Because I love him.

I never said I wouldn't be in the minority? So I'm really not sure why that's relevant.
I simply said that I would not be able to cope with parenting a child who had a severe (intellectual) disability (so can sympathise with OP's DH's feelings, if not his actions), and was then argued with and told that I of course would be able to. Very confusing.

You could, of course you could. The other option would be prison for child neglect.

I also sympathise with the husband and op massively but it could be anyone in their position, even if you for birth a healthy child.

This bizarre instance that I would have to be able to cope in this hypothetical situation, or I'd be sent to a hypothetical prison... Why? Why does it bother you so much to know that for some people, it would be impossible to cope?

People are capable of understanding that sometimes people in varied situations will have mental breakdowns, require in-patient care, attempt suicide, dissociate, or just become so sunk in depression that they can't even care for themselves, and yet when it comes to this particular situation, people insist that anyone can cope? It doesn't make sense.

Absolutely. That's a risk that can't be avoided, only minimised, I suppose.

@OtterlyAstounding , you are also basing your opinion on what you think you would do. The parents of children with a disability were also in your position once, thinking they could never cope. All we have to go on is the experience of what it's actually like to have a child with a disability; you step up to the plate, you find reserves you never thought you had. Very few people choose to walk away.

Indeed and .most of us do it out of love for them.

@x2boys Absolutely. I love my DD as much as I love my other two children. They are my world. There's nothing special about me.

If all it takes is 'finding reserves you never thought you had' to cope with life's challenges, whatever they may be, then no one would ever suffer depression or anxiety, require in-patient mental health care, or commit suicide. But clearly, that's not the case. Especially considering the highly elevated rates of suicide attempts in parents who care for disabled children.

Anyway, that'll be my last post on the matter, as I've made myself clear, and it's just derailing the thread, now.

I wasn't talking about any particular person, just the point in general. There were several posters saying that they wouldn't cope with a disabled child. If someone decided not to have children because they wouldn't cope with a child with additional needs, then that's very sensible. It's much better than having a child and then being cruel to them when they don't turn out the way you expected, like OP's husband seems to be doing.

@OtterlyAstounding I'm glad that's your final say on the matter as you're starting to make absolutely no sense.

H has always refused all counselling,

He is not prepared to do anything to help the situation

Then he needs to go.
Might have been equally irritable at a typical child

As to being able to cope you dont know until you have to. Some put child in foster care or adoption. Tricky if one parent has different view.

I don't think it is up to her but if they're a family then surely they are a team which means you can look out for each other. I haven't suggested she arranges it for him, just that it's worth asking him to consider it.

Hugs op.
Do you have a good supportive network around you?

Sadly couples with disabled/additional needs have much higher than average divorce rate.
Would he do counselling with you?

You’re talking to someone who does have a disabled child and did have a severe mental breakdown, I still had to parent my kid. I still loved him.

I don’t get to decide whether I can cope or not.

Not everyone does, though. I don't have kids anyway, but I have known people who have given up a disabled child at birth.

Or giving up the child to the care system. There is no law saying you can't do that.

Same. I'm childfree anyway, partly because, as people on here rightly say, there is no screening for autism(for example) There is no way on this earth I would cope with a child with SEN, so the safest thing is to not have kids at all. That doesn't mean that I wouldn't cope with an NT child. I probably would, I was NT myself and didn't give my parents much trouble (at least not as a child! I became a bit tougher as an adult, but that's by the by) and I would likely follow their model of not allowing the child's needs to take over everything in life. That model goes out of the window with SEN.

Thank you! That's it exactly. Also, how many times are children really disabled by infections or by freak accidents? Sure it happens, but not that often. I wish that people wouldn't rush to unlikely scenarios to prove a point.

Your missing the point here ,often its not known at birth the baby is going to be disabled
My son has chromosome deletion ,it wasent tested for prenatally and even it had, there is no way of knowing until the child stats to develop how it will affect them or even if it will as it varies massively from person to person how they are affected
So I had a perfectly normal pregnancy and birth and nothing seemed amiss ,it was only when he stated to miss milestones that we started gsving concerns and even when we were given his diagnoses,we still didnt know how aevere it was
But by this point he was our much loved child I could no more of abandoned him then then chop off my own arm.

It's terrifying actually how many kids I know whose disabilities either were diagnosed at birth or have acquired them, including one of mine.

All of us as parents have had to step up and manage, because there's no practical alternative. Parenting a child with DS is something most parents will have a choice about due to the screening programme, but I strongly feel that people should not become parents if they feel they will abandon their child if they become disabled.

@Oldfriendleave I just can't get my head around someone who could look at their child and think, if something happened to you that caused a disability, I'd walk away.