Husband resents ds with Down syndrome.

[BaronRock]

I really dont know if Im being unreasonable or if my gut is screaming at me for a reason.

Our ds is 4 and has Down syndrome. He starts school in September which is a whole other emotional thing. Hes a lovely little boy but toileting is a massive issue. He hates us changing him at the best of times. Always has. It causes huge distress and meltdowns, especially if hes tired or unwell.

H has been pushing hard for potty training because hes four now and starting school. He is really embarrassed about ds still being in nappies and he hates taking him out because changing him is such a nightmare. The changing tables are often too small, ds panics, kicks off, tries to run away. So H now pretty much refuses to take him anywhere on his own. If I cant go too, they just dont go.

This afternoon ds had done a poo in his pants. When we tried to change him he completely lost it. Crying, stiffening his legs, running away. He wouldnt let us near him. H started snapping and then shouting. He told him to fucking stand still. Hearing that aimed at my four year old made my stomach drop.

The more H shouted, the worse ds got. In the end he was hysterical and running from room to room so I said lets just put him in the bath. That was the only way we could clean him without physically holding him down. Even then ds was sobbing.

After his bath I put a nappy on him because he was exhausted and clingy and I couldnt face another battle. H shouted at me for doing that and said whats the point, youre just undoing it, hes never going to learn.

For background, weve had a horrible few days. Ds has had a cold and a stomach bug at the same time. Hes been uncomfortable and miserable and barely sleeping. Ive barely slept either because its mostly fallen on me to settle him. H is tired too but not in the same way.

After everything calmed down, H said he didnt sign up for this. That he knew having a disabled child would be hard but he didnt realise it would be like this. That everything feels like a constant fight and hes fed up.

All evening hes been off with ds. Ds has been trying to climb on him, sit next to him, get his attention and H has just not really acknowledged him. Not cruel, just distant. Ds doesnt understand and keeps trying, which breaks my heart.

This isnt a one off. H snaps at ds a lot. He expects him to understand and comply like a typical four year old and gets angry when he cant. Afterwards he feels guilty and shuts down, but in the moment ds takes the brunt of it.

I know H is grieving the child and life he thought we would have. I know the school thing is bringing a lot up. But ds is four. He didnt choose this. I cannot accept him being shouted at and sworn at for things he genuinely cant help.

I feel like Im constantly buffering between them. Protecting ds while trying to keep H stable. Im exhausted and starting to feel resentful and scared about the long term impact on ds.

Am I being unreasonable to think this has crossed a line? How do I handle this without blowing our marriage apart or allowing ds to be emotionally hurt?

I don't know who is. I just know that I am not.

My experience is irrelevant. The OP’s husband is persistently shouting, withdrawing affection and now swearing at his pre-school son. Which is abuse. Regardless of anything else.

Anyone can be disabled in life though, adult or child. Not pleasant to think about. Most of us are shielded from how brutal life can be.

Yes, I will always call out abuse. And you have no idea of my experience.

Statistically it is unlikely that someone will be disabled by accident. Of course it can happen, but it is unlikely. I don't go through life thinking about what could happen.

But you didn’t call out abuse, you simply hurled your own. Amd made a snap judgement on this man.

News for you. You often don't know in advance. My son requires 24 hour 2:1 care due to intellectual disability and we have at various times had a very difficult time of it.

If you really really could not cope with anything going wrong ever, then don’t have children. My friends with so called perfect children have struggled at times as well. That’s the sort of point of children - they’re unpredictable. That’s the fun bit.

So if you had a child that had disabilities that were not picked up until after birth because they can't or don't test for them and it only becomes apparent as your child starts to develop that there are some significant issues, would you'l just abandon them ?
This is a much loved child
Becsuse thats what happened to me
Or if your child had an accident or illness during childhood leaving them disabled, you would abandon them?

Car accidents? Anything that impacts the brain like drowning can also cause serious issues. Severe allergic reactions. Fire, cancer.

I certainly don’t live my life worrying about it, but it can happen to anyone and you just have to step up.

But I'm not talking about anyone else? I'm talking about myself, in regards to how I can sympathise with the DH's inability to cope, even though it's not fair on the OP, or DS.

So you say you hsve children?
If they had a disability that couldnt be picked up prenatally and it was only as your much loved child started to develop you realised there were some significant concerns and delays ,you would say oh im not cut out for this ?
Similarly if your much loved child had an accident or illness that left them disabled you would just walk away ?
Most parents of disabled children think the same as you BTW that they can't cope, but they hsve to what's the alternative?

Lots of responders have said that she should ask him to leave, which is opening the door for him.

Of course she can't make him parent his child, but if he is low enough to walk away from his son this shouldn't be made easy for him.

Honestly, I'm not sure why you're trying to push me to say...what, that actually, I could cope with a severely disabled child, even though I know myself well enough to know that I couldn't? What's your goal here? What does my estimate of my ability to cope have to do with you?

ETA: Or to do with this thread. Again, I was just trying to say I can understand DH's feelings. And frankly, there may not be an entirely happy solution, as sad as that is, if he's just unable to adjust.

I'm not the only person who's taken up with this supremely naive post - but I'm wondering where you're getting this from? How easy do you think it is to 'book in regular breaks' for parents? Who looks after the vulnerable, challenging child with SEN while this happens? Most of us SEN parents don't have an obliging network of experienced and willing friends and family who will step in to free up parents for the odd city break away. There are also not that many places that are geared up for day trips if you have a challenging child who may have all sorts of needs and sensitivities.

Respite? Excuse me while I die laughing. stillupatmidnight there IS NO RESPITE CARE. Or at least, it's incredibly hard to get hold of. In my LA, I'm not aware of a way to get it without a social worker. Those are like gold dust. You cannot apply for even a few hours respite without one. I have no idea about 'professional services that offer respite care' - I'd hope all respite is professional. If you mean, something privately accessed outside the LA provision, then god alone knows what that would cost. Do you mean like a SEN nanny? I don't even know where to find one of those, and I need to retain both my kidneys, thank you.

I give up.

But I do wonder how many times that four year old has been shouted at, sworn at and purposely ignored today.

I have to disagree. He's being emotionally abusive to his kid. Why should she not be swinging that door wide and protecting her kid?

You sound like a fantastic mum and the sad fact is not everyone is able to cope with a child with additional needs.
I would say to your husband that you know it's hard, but your son didn't ask to be born and if he can't get his emotions in check around his son then you won't stand for it.
He needs to take a step back and learn how to deal with his emotions.
I really feel for you, you're doing an amazing job

@OtterlyAstounding I didn't think I'd cope with a child who had disabilities either but I have. If something were to happen to someone you loved, you'd cope because you love them.

Also infections can cause disability. There are so many things that can happen, no-one is guaranteed a non disabled child. There's nothing wrong with wanting to screen for down syndrome etc but you have to be aware that there are many other types of disability, and many of the most common ones like autism can't be tested for during pregnancy.

Remorse for snapping and shouting, for swearing at his kid, for continuing to shout even when the child is upset, for then ignoring him for hours.

Even if you think it's OK for a parent to test their child like this. As a one off, it isn't a one off. Op is constantly buffering this behaviour.

It isn't il to treat a disabled child I na lesser way than a non disabled child.

And yes, even if this was the first time it had ever happened, I'd expect any decent parent to feel remorse at shouting and swearing at their child and making them upset.

It's scary that you a. Think he should feel bad, he couldn't help it b. Think it's OK cos his son is disabled

ETA: @menopausalfart

I'm glad that you've managed! But not everyone does, and I think it's a little shortsighted to insist that you know what other people can cope with.

For instance, apparently in 2024 the suicide attempt rate for parents who are carers for disabled children was 10%, compared to 1% in the general population. Sadly, not everyone is capable of coping with the degree of stress and anxiety that being a parent to a child with additional needs can involve.

But Gahr has said she's child free by choice so she doesn't need to think about all of that. I don't get why she's getting a hard time for admitting her limits when she's made sure she never has to test them.

Not to mention that disabled kids around around 3x more likely to be abused or neglected. Some of that abuse might be outside the home but certainly not all of it

That's awful - I didn't know that statistic.

I understand the majority of people just try to get on with things, and have the emotional and mental stability to withstand the strain and worry of having a disabled child, but there is a sizable minority who don't have the fortitude to do it.

@OtterlyAstounding It's also a little shortsighted to say you couldn't cope.