How to “leave” my deceased Mums last husband

Pastpeoplepleasing · 2026-01-18T05:01:32+00:00

My mum was married a few times during her life, I had a few of Dads during my childhood. She married her last husband when I had been married for the best part of 10 years and had my first child and next on the way. I embraced her relationship as I thought she was really happy, they moved close to us and became neighbours. Mum passed away very suddenly and as time has gone on I get the feeling she wasn’t as happy as I thought. I think her husband was possessive of her, isolated her and at least financially controlled her. He is a heavy drinker, rude to people other than us, aggressive manner and I don’t think anyone particularly likes him. He was married for a long time before my Mum and his kids and Grandkids do not see much of him. He is very nice and helpful to me and my family but not sure if it is due to his controlling nature. He expects to see us daily, spend weekends with me and my family and Christmas Day etc. I have spent my life with men and their extended families of my Mums choosing and want to have my own life now. How do I get out of this particularly with living in close proximity.

Ponoka7 · 18/01/2026 05:06

If you say that you are busy, or that you just want to chill and see no-one, what is his reaction? Do your children see him as Granddad and that's why you aren't straight with him?

Cando6 · 18/01/2026 05:11

Difficult one because of the proximity but do something now before he becomes your dependant.
Can you suggest he moves to be nearer his family? Just to sow that seed in his mind that you don’t consider yourself his family. When he says that wouldn’t work as they don’t get on say you’re just keen to make sure he has support as ‘obviously’ you can’t be that support now the relationship via your mum has gone.
Do not feel guilty. Women are always made to feel guilty about not giving their time and energy to men. You don’t like him and you don’t owe him anything.
Start with telling him you don’t have the energy to see him every day. Then follow through with that. Be unavailable.
We inherited an unpleasant man via my MIL but he was far away so it was easy to drop him. He found himself a new female to rely on and eventually moved out of her house.
Anyone who thinks OP or I are mean for not just taking on older men can jog on. We have to look after ourselves.

Original poster

Pastpeoplepleasing · 18/01/2026 05:11

Ponoka7 · 18/01/2026 05:06

If you say that you are busy, or that you just want to chill and see no-one, what is his reaction? Do your children see him as Granddad and that's why you aren't straight with him?

My kids and husband really like him, this also adds to the feeling of being trapped.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pastpeoplepleasing · 18/01/2026 05:12

Cando6 · 18/01/2026 05:11

Difficult one because of the proximity but do something now before he becomes your dependant.
Can you suggest he moves to be nearer his family? Just to sow that seed in his mind that you don’t consider yourself his family. When he says that wouldn’t work as they don’t get on say you’re just keen to make sure he has support as ‘obviously’ you can’t be that support now the relationship via your mum has gone.
Do not feel guilty. Women are always made to feel guilty about not giving their time and energy to men. You don’t like him and you don’t owe him anything.
Start with telling him you don’t have the energy to see him every day. Then follow through with that. Be unavailable.
We inherited an unpleasant man via my MIL but he was far away so it was easy to drop him. He found himself a new female to rely on and eventually moved out of her house.
Anyone who thinks OP or I are mean for not just taking on older men can jog on. We have to look after ourselves.

Thank you, that is really helpful

OP posts:

Ponoka7 · 18/01/2026 05:19

I've had to be really honest with a friend/neighbour who was turning me into her daily carer/shopper. Things cooled off for a while, but she now seems to have accepted what I can give. I agree that you don't have to 'take him on'. But if he was a positive relationship for my children, I'd decide how I wanted it to be, tell him and then ride it out. I was just thinking of your children losing two people who they've been close to.

givemesteel · 18/01/2026 05:23

I'm sorry for your loss 💐

It would be useful to know how old he is and whether he has kids etc.

He will be grieving, but then so are you. It sounds like he is hoping the relationship carries on as before.

I think gradually being less available is the way to go, whilst gently probing him on his plans for the future.

Is there inheritance involved, ie in who's house is he living?

If your kids have a relationship with him I think you need to think carefully as it would be a wrench for them to lose a grandfather figure altogether. Is it about establishing a more distant relationship?

Eviebeans · 18/01/2026 05:23

Pastpeoplepleasing · 18/01/2026 05:11

My kids and husband really like him, this also adds to the feeling of being trapped.

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If your husband likes him would he be happy to take on the caring role in future? Maybe you should have that conversation now.

Original poster

Pastpeoplepleasing · 18/01/2026 05:26

Eviebeans · 18/01/2026 05:23

If your husband likes him would he be happy to take on the caring role in future? Maybe you should have that conversation now.

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My husband would not care for him but happily let me do it. They seem to have similar mindsets in regard to the roles of the sexes.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pastpeoplepleasing · 18/01/2026 05:27

He lives in their marital home, very little inheritance to consider, mum was not financially independent. He is in his sixties

OP posts:

user38 · 18/01/2026 05:28

I’d be unavailable other than once in the week and then once at weekends. Then drop the weekend after a few weeks, Then drop to once a fortnight. That’s still more than I see my own parents btw! Then, every other time, let DH and the DC go to see him for the once a fortnight visit without you. Then gradually reduce so it’s once a month, then once every couple of months.
That way you avoid necessary confrontation and upset plus you distance yourself and don’t end up running around after him.
if he’s actually really nice to you and your family really like him then seeing him for a short period 3/4 times a year is surely ok?

Skybunnee · 18/01/2026 05:59

Change it so it’s DH’s friend,not yours.
I doubt DH will actually give up his time and effort to maintain the relationship.
Or have the conversation with FIL - a bit brutal but he sounds a user. Sorry DFIL but I really don’t want a close relationship with you, you are not my step father. Stop coming round.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 18/01/2026 06:01

Pastpeoplepleasing · 18/01/2026 05:26

My husband would not care for him but happily let me do it. They seem to have similar mindsets in regard to the roles of the sexes.

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Pffft sounds like you need to stop ex step dad and husband!! wtf 🤬

Tell Dear H to jog on if he expects you to care for ex step dad and just become unavailable. I couldn’t fathom dealing with a neighbour every day and realistically that is what he is a neighbour

TabbyTom · 18/01/2026 06:37

You say your kids really like him - and are seeing him daily. If he was married to your mum, presumably they see him as a grandfather?
I don’t think you can just drop him from your lives? Though by all means, gradually see less of him - daily sounds far too intense, even if you were close…

deadpan · 18/01/2026 06:58

As user38 suggests, gradually pull back. It'll take longer than you'd like but eventually you won't see him as much. What a thing to have to give head space to as well as grieving for your mum.
It's very easy to say on the outside of a situation, but try and make time for just yourself. You've had a lot of adjusting to do in your life and it isn't easy.

Farticus101 · 18/01/2026 07:09

I don't know how old your kids are, but as they get older and have after school clubs, see friends, pop into town alone etc life will get too busy to see him daily and they won't miss him much. Start pulling away now gradually by being unavailable e.g. hair or dentist appointments after work, shopping etc. If he pops round anyway, your DH can entertain him. Move the connection away from yourself.

ResultsMayVary · 18/01/2026 07:11

So what would a normal weekly contact look like? Does he come over to your home or expect you to go to his? Can you start something new which keeps you busy or even better out of the house?

babyproblems · 18/01/2026 07:13

givemesteel · 18/01/2026 05:23

I'm sorry for your loss 💐

It would be useful to know how old he is and whether he has kids etc.

He will be grieving, but then so are you. It sounds like he is hoping the relationship carries on as before.

I think gradually being less available is the way to go, whilst gently probing him on his plans for the future.

Is there inheritance involved, ie in who's house is he living?

If your kids have a relationship with him I think you need to think carefully as it would be a wrench for them to lose a grandfather figure altogether. Is it about establishing a more distant relationship?

This is a very good response imo.
I think you are grieving and that is why you are reflecting on your mother’s life and happiness; Id be careful to make decisions or judgements at this time.

That being said; you’re within your rights to not have people in your life as you choose. I would be as tactful and gradual as I could with rolling things back. So sorry for your loss 🩷

Eviebeans · 18/01/2026 07:13

Don’t invite him, don’t visit him, don’t include him - drop the ball. See if anyone picks it up.

House26 · 18/01/2026 07:14

Pastpeoplepleasing · 18/01/2026 05:26

My husband would not care for him but happily let me do it. They seem to have similar mindsets in regard to the roles of the sexes.

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Maybe you should leave both of them...

PermanentTemporary · 18/01/2026 07:14

Ooh, tricky. I have a very dear friend who’s dad had I think 3 wives plus an unending series of girlfriends through his childhood. The last wife who he married a few years before his unexpected death in his 60s was quite a problem.

I would certainly detach as much as you can. What your Dh does is up to him; have a heart to heart and explain (again?) that you’d prefer any time he spends with MW (mothers widower) to be out of the house - and that you don’t want this man to be in your life longer term. It’s perfectly possible for your Dh to have friends that you barely see.

The good news is that I will put money on this man being with another woman in significantly less than a year (I’m going to say 3 months but am being generous). He will then be busier. I just hope that he picks a fairly functional lady and not someone as problematic as him.

PersephoneParlormaid · 18/01/2026 07:24

I’ve nothing to say to help your predicament, but I just wanted to say that I also discovered that my mum’s husband wasn’t the person we thought he was, after she died. I feel terrible guilt that I didn’t see what was happening, but then I was early 20’s and enjoying my life. When I found out it was then very easy to drop him.

Octavia64 · 18/01/2026 07:33

How old are your kids?

if old enough and he lives close enough they can drop by there on their own.

otherwise, yes, a slow pulling back. Just be busy - and ideally actually be busy.

LancashireButterPie · 18/01/2026 07:55

I would want to know exactly why his own kids want nothing to do with him before I let my DC have unsupervised access.

InterestedDad37 · 18/01/2026 07:55

Pastpeoplepleasing · 18/01/2026 05:26

My husband would not care for him but happily let me do it. They seem to have similar mindsets in regard to the roles of the sexes.

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Well tell them both to have a serious think about those roles! Have you always known this about your husband's attitudes?
Sounds like him and your mum's husband were made for each other!
Old guys who won't look after themselves and rely on women to do this for them are parasites! It's a side issue right now, but have a serious think about your future with your husband, if he has such sexist attitudes!

LancashireButterPie · 18/01/2026 08:02

We had a neighbour who lost her husband and tried to become increasingly reliant on us. She does not share our political views at all (she's racist and a homophobe) and we did not want our DC exposed to that.
I could foresee a situation where we were ferrying her around and forever doing odd jobs or having her pop in several times a week for a cuppa. So every time she needed something we would fix it but then give her the details of a local handyman/ taxi company / social and widows support group, so that she could contact them the next time.
I'm available for emergencies but I cant expose my DC to her rantings.