How to “leave” my deceased Mums last husband

[Pastpeoplepleasing]

My mum was married a few times during her life, I had a few of Dads during my childhood. She married her last husband when I had been married for the best part of 10 years and had my first child and next on the way. I embraced her relationship as I thought she was really happy, they moved close to us and became neighbours. Mum passed away very suddenly and as time has gone on I get the feeling she wasn’t as happy as I thought. I think her husband was possessive of her, isolated her and at least financially controlled her. He is a heavy drinker, rude to people other than us, aggressive manner and I don’t think anyone particularly likes him. He was married for a long time before my Mum and his kids and Grandkids do not see much of him.

He is very nice and helpful to me and my family but not sure if it is due to his controlling nature. He expects to see us daily, spend weekends with me and my family and Christmas Day etc. I have spent my life with men and their extended families of my Mums choosing and want to have my own life now. How do I get out of this particularly with living in close proximity.

Expecting to see you every day and spending all weekends with you would be unreasonable even if he was your real father. You need to break the habit.

I agree with those saying you should be very wary of gradually slipping into the role of his carer as he gets older. It’s so easy for this to happen: it starts with requests for small amounts of help, which it seems churlish to refuse, and gradually and imperceptibly builds up until the person is dependent on you in all sorts of areas and it is virtually impossible to suddenly withdraw your 'services'. All this might not have occurred to your DH so explain it, and your feelings, to him.

This man is not a relative of yours and you don't really like him. You don’t owe him anything (he wasn’t part of your upbringing) and the only other reason you might want to continue with such a close relationship would be because you felt your mum would have wanted you to. But he is not your responsibility, and the fact that his own family seem to want little to do with him is a red flag.

I would try to withdraw gradually, e.g. starting with "We'll be busy tomorrow, so maybe see you again on Thursday" or "We're just planning some time to ourselves this weekend, so see you on Monday". Also encourage him to have more contact with his own family "as you never know when you might need them in the future". Good luck.

I wouldn’t be seeing him daily but I would not drop him for no reason. I’d see him once a week with the odd phone call. Unless the kids call him grandad and love seeing him? In that case I’d see him more. It’s different if he interacts with the kids and they enjoy seeing him.

if he’s manipulative, he’s in effect groomed them… they don’t see him for who he is, but may do in time, im guessing that as is usually the way, the woman arranges or facilitates everything so just don’t. Let them do it all and it’ll probably fade into dots anyway

point one is that it sounds like you have a husband problem. Do you think you might have unconsciously chosen the same kind of man as your mum?
Point two I wouldn't want an aggressive heavy drinker round my kids no matter how much he masks it when he is with you.
Point three how would it go if you had an honest conversation with your husband?

Ask his kids for tips?

It's difficult if your children and DH like him, but do you mean they actually like him or that they are happy to tolerate a relationship facilitated by you, but wouldn't be bothered otherwise?

Oh my goodness.
I wish I’d read this 2 or 3 years ago - or be as ‘savvy’ as you …… it would have saved a lot of resentment and guilt.

this makes me uncomfortable, as it does you.

Have you met his biological kids/grandkids? Id be interested in why he doesnt see them all much? I wonder if they could give more insight about who he is as a person, and who he was before he met your mum.

Its strange he would want to step into your family over his own or is this just because you live closer? Id be tempted to try and move if its just a proximity thing. Or maybe he was controlling to his previous wife/kids too in which case id want to know his true colours before being pressured into becoming his carer - i wouldnt do this anyway but its always better to have the full picture so you don't later be made to feel guilty by him or your husband etc.

This nails it.

Being nice to your DH and kids is part of the cynical strategy to railroad you into caring for him. Your DH & kids lap this up because they will be fine to opt out of any actual work that comes as part of the package.

(Digression - I've just seen "Into the Woods" and the important message of 'nice is different from good' is in my head as an earworm at the moment)

You do not need to be nice. You do not require him to have a good opinion of you. Your responsibilities are to your own family and to yourself. This man is like a cocklodger without the benefits. You need to start saying "no" to him. CFs who are taking advantage do not respond to polite hints and subtle implications, they know full well they are taking advantage and they have a thick enough skin that they ignore every kind of polite suggestion that they might want to be elsewhere. You have to be blunt and have to be ok with the subsequent accusations of whatever. He is not your family. If DH likes him then DH can go round to his house and visit him there.

Move away

This. I am sorry for your loss. If it was very recent he will be relying heavily on you for that link and sense of support and continuity. In a few months things may be different, particularly if he’s only in his 60s. As soon as it’s appropriate I’d be encouraging him onto the dating apps, and in the meantime I’d start withdrawing - letting your DH see him separately - telling him you can’t see him on Saturday, etc. He will probably naturally pull away as other interests take over.

Reading between the lines here op, and I apologise if this is way off the mark, but I’ll ask anyway:
Is it possible that you’re focusing on this man as a sort of substitute for facing up to the problems in your own marriage?

Are parasitic men, or user men, a pattern in your life, that maybe you picked up from your dm?

He expects to see us daily, spend weekends with me and my family and Christmas Day etc.

what does he get out of this? Do you talk to him? Does he get fed? does he get conversation from you? does he come when your dh is at home or when its just you and he children? How long does he stay? Does he offer to repair stuff, make himself useful?

I can sympathise as someone whose dad is now in double figures in terms of wives, live in girlfriends etc. 🤦‍♀️The latest one is the worst yet, and similarly her kids and grandkids have nothing to do with her either. I think you can cut ties with no guilt.

OMG.....he's only in his 60's? I thought you were going to say 80's.

I know loads of people in their 60's. They are still working, have friends, travel, go to gigs.....

Seems so odd because he is behaving like an old person? Does he not have a job and friends?

Sorry about your mum OP, hope you're doing ok.

He seems to be taking you for granted somewhat, with the holidays spent with you and all the weekends and daily visits, eeek. He may genuinely actually care for your family and have good intentions and if that is true, he will understand that you need some 'family time' too.

Perhaps he would be ok with the occasional catching up if you explained it? Can you sit down and talk to him about this? What he is taking from you at the moment is not healthy for anyone and would be too much even if he was flesh and blood and the nicest most wonderful person ever!
He needs to understand that every day, weekend and holiday is just too much and if he doesn't understand and get's grumpy over it, then it will be easier for you mentally to become unavailable for most of the time (contact amount is up to you).

While he may get on with your children and the children like him, if he is controlling and a boozer, he's not a good role model, and although they may miss him, you'd be protecting them. Young children may not be aware of his ways, but as they get older they will and that's when it's not good for them.

Try persistent, slow and subtle removal from his life. Be unavailable if he rings for something. Taking dogs for a 2nd walk. Calling up to see elderly Mrs So and So. Gone to kids school or work because there is a query about something. Every time he appears or drops in pick up a laundry basket when he comes to the door. Continue vacuuming, washing floors, cleaning windows every time he visits and do not say " Sorry".
Your husband is not going to help let him toddler off and visit him. If he invites him around for a visit / cuppa tea all of a sudden you had planned a 2 mile exercise walking.

If he becomes mean/ shouty/ manipulating your feelings with sarcastic comments just expect that backlash and continue your daily activities.

Does he fully own the marital home? Or did your mum part own it?

But they’re not the ones doing the “work” involved in seeing him, right? Especially for your husband - this man is nothing to him. I’d explain to your husband that you’ve had to have this man in your life for your mum’s sake and that you need some space from him now. I don’t expect your husband will care much either way.

It might be a little more delicate for your children but unless they have no other grandfather figure in their life it shouldn’t be a massive loss either. I’m sure you’ll find a way to space the meetings out in a way that works for you and them. You owe him nothing - don’t forget that.

I am sorry for your loss xxx

id be busy and less available. If your DH wants to take it on, let him.

My sibling achieved what you're trying to do by being so vile to our stepmother that she wants nothing to do with them and their family. Whilst I wouldn't recommend it, it does appear to be effective!

Stepmum inherited a lot of our Dad's assets which she intends to leave to me (she has already cut my sibling out!), so in a sense I'm still on the hook for a civil relationship: although we live in different countries I still make a point of keeping in touch and visiting her regularly, and I do actually get along with her anyway. However, to avoid becoming her default carer what I've been careful to do is cultivate relationships with her own blood family, and have steered discussions about future care planning etc to involving them.

My mother got with my stepfather when I was 18 and it was the most difficult relationship of my life. And that's saying something, as my father and sister were also impossible. Thank god I never had to live with him! He was a grumpy sour selfish shit who made it absolutely clear to anyone who my mother loved that they were not "good enough". Visiting was always really really painful. But I tried and tried, bent over backwards to be nice to him, so that I could keep visiting Mum without him becoming outright nasty. So he actually thought we were close. Meanwhile, I was trying not to notice what a complete arse he was.

My mother died at 67. SF tried for a few years to lock me down, even asking if I could consider him as my father! (I said politely, thank you, but I'm 40, I don't need another father). Then he made a shitty comment about my mother - one of many over the years, also before her death - and all of a sudden I thought, "I have no reason to put up with this HORRIBLE man." So I stopped.

And I am SO glad I did!

Now I'm in my late 50s and I'm realising what my mother went through with him. A second cousin of mine gave me letters that Mum had sent to her mother over the years and reading through the lines it was clear that he had been an absolute misery for my mother. He was really sexually coercive to her, held his money over her, occasionally threatened to throw her out if she didn't do what he wanted, he was bitter, carping and negative about her whole family and all of her friends. He was a coercive abuser, and I am SO glad I have absolutely NOTHING to do with him and my kids know nothing about him.

And this guy, his own kids also rarely visited - which he blamed on his ex - and the last I heard he was trying to use the threat of disinheritance to force them to come round more. Utter rotter.

OP, drop the rope. Become very busy. Your H will not have the social oomph to keep that relationship going, and after a while you can tell your kids things like, actually I didn't really like the way he treated granny, I prefer not to see him too much. They'll figure it out.

You don't need to waste your time or energy on such a person.

You owe him nothing. You don't even owe him a slow phasing out to spare his feelings. Say you are busy, be unavailable. If it's safe to do so, even trigger a falling out so you have an excuse to cut him off but you don't need to justify it AT ALL.

I suspect he will quickly move on to a new supply for free lemotionsl support and labour.

Thank you to everyone who has given great advice, understanding and support. I will gradually cool things off and reduce the kids exposure. You are right I have stayed with my husband so my children don’t have to suffer the trauma I went through as a child. Appreciate all your time.