How to “leave” my deceased Mums last husband

[Pastpeoplepleasing]

My mum was married a few times during her life, I had a few of Dads during my childhood. She married her last husband when I had been married for the best part of 10 years and had my first child and next on the way. I embraced her relationship as I thought she was really happy, they moved close to us and became neighbours. Mum passed away very suddenly and as time has gone on I get the feeling she wasn’t as happy as I thought. I think her husband was possessive of her, isolated her and at least financially controlled her. He is a heavy drinker, rude to people other than us, aggressive manner and I don’t think anyone particularly likes him. He was married for a long time before my Mum and his kids and Grandkids do not see much of him.

He is very nice and helpful to me and my family but not sure if it is due to his controlling nature. He expects to see us daily, spend weekends with me and my family and Christmas Day etc. I have spent my life with men and their extended families of my Mums choosing and want to have my own life now. How do I get out of this particularly with living in close proximity.

Move and cut ties. He's not a relative. However that will probably mean you get zilch when he dies.

I agree with PP, DH can continue to deal with him but you need to become unavailable.

You, your DH and your DC are his substitute family because his wants nothing to do with him. I'd wonder why that is.

Can you have an honest conversation with DH and say that, whilst you don't want to remove him from your life entirely (yet), you feel that seeing him every day and every weekend is too much and you want it to be just your nuclear family some of the time? If DH wants to see him more then maybe he could go round to this man's house occasionally so that you aren't imposed upon. If DH disagrees then you have a much bigger problem.

Your husband is a piece of work isn’t he!

Start by encouraging him to socialise with people of his own age group……a seniors drop-in centre, or Men in Sheds for example. And as a pp has suggested, encourage him to reunite with his own family……..the last thing you need is to become his carer if and when his health declines.

For your own family……suggest days out together, encourage hobbies, create social diversions for you all to detract involvement with this man.

I have a slightly different situation with a lonely person who can demand more and more of my time. I try to arrange contact on my terms - so for example messaging about meeting for coffee on a certain date or asking if they would like Sunday lunch on the Sunday after Christmas - making it clear that’s when I am free and then confidently declining any pressurised/guilt trip type contact at other times. I feel it gives me some control/boundaries in the situation rather than having to make excuses, it has helped me establish a pattern of hanging out with the person every few weeks and directing them towards other friends/support at other times.

How does he react if you say you are busy and can’t see him in a particular day?

I would just start slowly edging away, weekends your busy and build up.

She would probably get zilch anyway if he has his own kids & grandkids.

@Pastpeoplepleasing you have done more than enough pandering to and accommodating of men in your life. You owe absolutely nothing to this man and if you want to, you can just cut contact and tell him you don't want to be in touch any more. Of course there are other ways to approach this and you've had some excellent suggestions. You will have to be firm. Daily contact is absolutely ridiculous. Your H sounds like a pillock. He is not putting you first at all. I suggest you learn to say the phrase 'I don't care' and see how it feels to say that, especially to your husband. If your H is so invested in his relationship with this man, tell him to crack on with seeing him away from your home. It will soon fall apart when you're not doing all of the legwork. You have one life to live. You obviously know that you are a people pleaser. Your mum trained you to put her needs first and your H is obviously cut from the same cloth. You have one life. Time to start living your life the way you want to live it.

I think I'd be reducing my visits to him, DH and DC can go if they still want to have a relationship with him.
You need to make it clear to DH that under no circumstances will you be caring for this man in the long term..
Noting your DHs opinion on "roles" of the sexes it will be interesting to see if he's as proactive at organizing visits to this man when he has to do the organizing!

Just start replying to his messages less quickly and then ignore the odd one.

When he ask if you’re free or to come round start saying you’re not free or that you have a lot on so won’t be able to do XYZ.

You need to just start breaking the routine that you’ve found yourself in.

Is he kind to your kids?

What would be your ideal scenario going forward?
Would you like to move at any point?

Everyday is way too much. Does he stay for dinner ?

That would be too much even for a close family member.
I'd start by cutting out some days altogether by saying either you or DC have an activity on say a Tuesday.
Then cut out another day saying, you have massives of work on at the moment, a deadline for Friday so you can't see him Thursday or you have to visit a other friend who's going through a tough time.Basically use any excuse.
Then weekends, say something like 'this Saturday we're really busy how about next Sunday afternoon for tea'.
Set boundaries on your time and definitely avoid catering for him.

It is tricky if he is coming into your house. Who is opening the door?
If it is you, can you try saying to him that you are all just going out, but he is welcome to come to tea on X day (in two days time) and see how he reacts.

If DH or the DC let him in, then leave them to 'host', e.g. make cups of tea and talk to him. You can just leave the room and go sit in your bedroom with a book, or go out somewhere by yourself.
If he is still hanging around in your house come meal time, don't cook a meal. Make yourself a sandwich, and make the DC sandwiches if they are too young to do this for themselves. Don't make DH anything.
Alternatively, just say outright "we are going to be having our meal soon, so you will need to be getting home", and repeat as necessary. If he doesn't shift, then plate up the food with no leftovers and don't make a plate for him.
This may feel extraordinarily rude, but just keep reminding yourself that he is the rude one for imposing himself on you and engineering the situation to get fed.

You need to firstly not do anything for him (not even make a cup of tea) and secondly avoid him. Then DH and DC will be left to deal with him and may soon get fed up.

Even if it was your own dad - every day?! How would you have time?

I would want to know why his kids and grandkids do not want to see much of him - possible red flag! Could you investigate somehow?

Oof, i hear you and your wishes are totally valid. 'Till death us do part'. I am very sorry about your mum, but death hath parted you from her partner.

@Cando6 and @bigboykitty have it spot. on:
Anyone who thinks OP or I are mean for not just taking on older men can jog on. We have to look after ourselves.

And get your DH on board. 'I have spent my life with men and their extended families of my Mums choosing and want to have my own life now.' This is a very clear and unambiguous message. Tell your DH this. Tell the bloke this. Do not feel guilty.

Every day is just nuts. Surely there is too much going on to accommodate that. I see my own df once a week and that’s plenty

who is inviting him around or does he just turn up?

If DH likes him then DH can deal with him. Make him DH's problem and withdraw.
Eg don't visit him - that's DH's job now if he wants to do it. If he drops round, DH isn't there and you're just about to go out. Keep pushing the idea that he's DH's friend not yours.
I'd second a previous poster's point about how dodgy it is that his real family keep their distance wrt your own children.

I felt very similar to this about my dad’s wife after he died. I had spent so much time not of my choosing with her already I didn’t want to spend more. She actually moved closer to me after his death despite having her own children. I’ve just basically politely refused, one doesn’t have to do this, and in fact the whole dynamic of it made me aware of her parasitic nature and also the role I’d been expected to take in the ‘stepfamily’. You deserve peace OP and you owe this man nofhing.

Tell your DH in no uncertain terms, while the kids aren’t present, that this is your side of the family, you don’t like him and so you don’t want to hang around with him anymore and he needs to support you in a slowly backing away from the relationship. Your DH should not force you ti have more of a relationship with any step or former step dad than you want. That is completely out of order and he should know it or he is no “D” H.

Then be slowly be more and more unavailable and go round less and less often - and more and more often, don’t bring the kids.

I would not want my kids hanging around an unrelated older man that I didn’t like and thought controlled my mother.

Male non blood relatives that I considered to be toxic would be kept as far away from my children as I could manage.

When you say "get out of it", what do you mean exactly? You want to see him a lot less, or you want to not see him at all?

I last saw my "step mother" at my father's funeral. Went to the wake, said a few words to her and when I left I blocked her number and never saw her again. She was an absolute witch who used my father and made sure he left her all his money.

Same on the money front @Mykneesareshot, which has really screwed me as he was a widow, so had my mother’s money too.