How to “leave” my deceased Mums last husband

[Pastpeoplepleasing]

My mum was married a few times during her life, I had a few of Dads during my childhood. She married her last husband when I had been married for the best part of 10 years and had my first child and next on the way. I embraced her relationship as I thought she was really happy, they moved close to us and became neighbours. Mum passed away very suddenly and as time has gone on I get the feeling she wasn’t as happy as I thought. I think her husband was possessive of her, isolated her and at least financially controlled her. He is a heavy drinker, rude to people other than us, aggressive manner and I don’t think anyone particularly likes him. He was married for a long time before my Mum and his kids and Grandkids do not see much of him.

He is very nice and helpful to me and my family but not sure if it is due to his controlling nature. He expects to see us daily, spend weekends with me and my family and Christmas Day etc. I have spent my life with men and their extended families of my Mums choosing and want to have my own life now. How do I get out of this particularly with living in close proximity.

They like him because he has been working on them, buttering them up to keep them on his side.
He has you lined up as his free support worker and carer and he needs them as allies to help him railroad you into this position. He already knows it'll be easy to keep your husband on the side because your husband shares his male chauvinist/patriarchal attitude.
Insisting on seeing you daily is outrageous.
I wouldn't bother phasing him out slowly. I would cut him dead and then they will all see how unpleasant he is when he doesn't get his own way.

Where are his biological family?

In which case, pass him on to your husband for communication. I suspect you won't see him as much.

This makes it tricky. You have to see this from each person's perspective. If he is making an effort and genuinely wants to be nice to your family, that feels like a positive thing. Maybe only you are experiencing the subtext and the context of him having been controlling to your mum. You feel his being nice is now an attempt to be controlling to you? If this rings true then you just need to know where your own boundaries are and be confident about enforcing them, without taking the whole show down. The way he makes you feel trapped, like none of it is your choice, is telling. The relationships he has with your DH and especially your children seem to be valid, so I wouldn't cut off contact altogether, but just be a bit disengaged when you speak to him, so he will get the feeling he can't be controlling with you.

Couldn't help but roll my eyes at that, no wonder they get on well.

@Pastpeoplepleasing I'm sincerely sorry for your loss of your Mum.
Your peace of mind matters the most in what you are coping with.

If immediate cut off feels like too much right now, back off from that man instead.

I think the thing that struck me most was he's only in his 60s, so not what most would call "elderly" and if you don't act now you could be looking at another 30 years of this. Everyone has thought more or less the same and I am glad you've had some good advice here. Choose yourself for once.

OP has said that they are not keen on spending time with him, I think we can assume that he's already burnt that bridge.
I'd say that's why he's being more careful with her family. He's being strategic and waiting until he's got his feet properly under the table before he lets his guard down and shows them who he really is.

I was more wondering where they physically are.

I can imagine if the OP stops organising visits, her dh won’t do it, from what she says, so it could die a natural death.

Set him up.
‘Oh John, you know we love you, but it’s not the same is it, as having someone who’s there just for you. I really hope you meet someone nice and can be happy. You deserve it…. Etc etc!’ 😬😁

nah.....rope drop.....and then consider future with husband and whether it is what the kids actually need.

Don't end up like your poor mother.
Start planning quietly on your get away.
Don't end up with a rotten husband, you deserve so much better.

I 100% agree. He’s an aggressive, antisocial, problematic drinker who’s nasty behaviour has burnt bridges with his own flesh and blood.

But he is wiley enough to have seen how this backfired on him so is grooming your DH and DCs so that YOU will be his arse-wiper.

You know all of this in your gut.

He sounds insufferable and suffocating - who puts daily and weekend demands on anyone?

He can’t outrun his drink problem and there’s nothing worse than an aging alcoholic. Physically and mentally he will be deteriorating and expects the impact to land on you.

It sounds like you had a very unstable upbringing and an untimely death of your DM. You have a lot to resolve and nurture for yourself in order to be the best version of yourself for you and your DCs.

We all only have finite time, physical and emotional energy and headspace - we need to decide who gets what from us. Choose yourself and your DCs - Not this parasite.

Get a plan in place and put it in action.

Invest in therapy to grow the deficits that your childhood left unresolved. Your user name @Pastpeoplepleasingsays it all.

Pleased that you see it now.

I second this.
Op your like-minded husband is a big part of the reason that he feels able to target you. Wittingly or unwittingly your H will collude with this rancid old drunk to get you under control for both of their benefits.

For background.:
how long was he and your Mum married? Or how long was their relationship?
how long ago did your Mum pass away?

Could he still be grieving? Maybe he thinks he owes it to your Mum to maintain the relationship with you and your family?

You and your husband need to get on the same page about it. Decide how much, if at all, you want him in your life going forward and set those boundaries together.

Agree - another 30 miserable draining resentful years …. in that time your own DCs will have upped and left and probably have their own issues due how their DM ‘chose’ to have her life compromised and her spirit sucked dry due to some unfathomable FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) to a nasty manipulative alcoholic.

@Pastpeoplepleasing you can see dumping your late mum's H as a trial run for getting rid of your horrible husband. I'm here for you for both things x

I think anyone, family or not, living nearby and calling to see you daily is far too much.

You need to take control and somehow be unavailable or simply ask, kindly, that he doesn't come so often.

He's in his 60s?

Many people in their 60s are still working!
He needs to get a job or do some voluntary work if he's bored.

Maybe you can steer the conversation into what he's going to do NOW to fill his days?

This happened to me with an elderly couple who live close to me.
I thought we were friends and neighbours. It was a shock to discover that they had my DH and I lined up as unpaid carers. They have children who live close by too, but they need support themselves, rather than being supportive to their parents.
It all ended rather unpleasantly.
I also have some good neighbours who are in their late eighties who reject every offer of help. Not all older people are looking for carers rather than friends.

He has you lined up.
He's not your family and you need to make it clear to your husband that you have no wish to entertain him further.
He can of course visit him if he wishes, but no further involvement in your family as you don't want it.
You don't need to justify it beyond "i am an adult and I don't wish to be in his company any more".

Expect push back and aggression.
This is when you will see the real him, tears, threats, anger, upset, nastiness, self harm threats.

Feel completely justified to involve the police and show the police those letters.
Infact photograph them and email them to yourself so they don't get lost.

He was coercively abusing your mother and now that you know this you no longer want contact.

Sadly it sounds like you could be in similar relationship.
He's lining you up as his carer and you need to take this seriously, with him and your husband.

Women's aid are there for you.
Hide those letters carefully.

Lucky you realised in time!
Did the neighbours in question actually come out and say it, or was it more that they thought they were being subtle but they were easy to see through?

This

wrong thread?

I know how easy you can gradually get sucked in to spending time with someone you dont want in youyr life. In my case it was a needy neighbour. I did not feel guilty about gradually moving away from being her unpaid PA as she had an adult son living at home. When I asked her why he could not do the shopping, make phone calls, do life admin she said "he is not good at that sort of thing".

Well he had to get good at it as I gradually pulled away. First step was telling neighbour that I am no longer able to work at home and have to be in the office 5 days a week (a lie) and that I also have to travel abroad for my job in the uni. I have found that being away physically and out of contact is a great way to break a relationship. The person you have left will have to get their claws into someone else while you are not there. And when you return (and dont tell them you are back) they get to realise they are not a priority in your life. A break will enable you to set new boundaries and possibly be harsh in doing so.