Been bought a very expensive present I don't want and can't return

[Gresley]

After not speaking to me for 25 years, my sister has recently become very friendly with me again for no apparent reason, and for Christmas ordered me a new electric bike online. The parcel was gigantic so impossible to return. I didn't desperately want an electric bike and had said I would buy a secondhand one to see how I got on, but she sprang this surprise on me. Now that I've tried it I find I really can't get on with it (my arse was in agony) and don't want it. Should I (a) sell it? I've been offered just over a third of the original price by a local dealer;(b) give it to someone else? In both of those cases, should I (c) pretend I've still got it or be honest about getting rid of it, and even offer to pay back the money she paid for it? Or (d) keep it and leave it to rot in the shed and send her AI photos of all the lovely places I've been on it (not that I'd know how to use AI)? I think that If she knew I'd got rid of it she wouldn't speak to me for another 25 years.

my partner is a obsessive cyclist often doing 4 day events & I've never understood how........ apart from the obvious fitness thing, my whole undercarriage hurts the following day after only an hour cycle!

Don't despair - get a female anatomy seat (massive difference), decent female padded shorts & make sure the seat is the right height & position. It takes a little while to get used to but I am assured that building up slowly is key. You might get to like it..... Good luck!!

January isn't over yet, hold onto the bike when spring, summer comes you might want to bring it out for a spin again.
If bike ends up being useful you will stop associating it with your sister where as at the moment it is 'a present your didn't want her to give you' more so that a useful mode of transport or leisure

Do you have major anxiety? Giving up driving because drivers are scary is not normal. But you need a way to get somewhere so it’s time to get over yourself about the bike. this is about your sister not the bike. Keep the bike, ‘it’s too much of a hassle’ is a reason to be mad about being given a pet, not a bike. It doesn’t wake up at night, need toilet training, need a computer science degree to get working, this is ridiculous and you should get therapy. You’re mad she contributed to a go fundme so your real friends couldn’t? If they are real friends then you care about them and maybe while they would have supported you they are really happy to not have to? Doesn’t that matter?

Get a new saddle (which you can afford since you were going to buy a bike) and stop with the bullshit excuses like it might get stolen, try and keep it secure like every other bike owner and if it gets stolen remind yourself you didn’t even want it so no loss.

@Gresley

those feelings are totally justified , I get it , seriously

When I bought my sister the ring I actually felt embarrassed It was bloody expensive and it must have talken her all to swallow pride , esp as I wasnt being free with money I had earned, I spent DH's ( not that he minded in the slightest btw )

My sister has never had a break , she lives in rented in whilst a great post code property wise, she's been stuck in rented with a husband , whilst lovely, lives in the day, There are no savings, no pensions

So I bought her an expensive present because she fell in love with it and we had missed so many birthdays

I possibly made her feel her life was inadequate at that time, it was never my intention to. My intention was to just buy her something she got joy from that gave her a smile.

Im sure your sister has felt that buying you an E-bike will bring you joy ( I love mine :

Im sure she's saying I love you, I want what's best, and if me sending this pressie makes your life easier - ENJOY

As above , add;e replacements are cheap as are chains and locks - compared to the price of a bike - mine was over £k

SO wallow, spend the £500 you had saved ( and no you wouldn't buy a good by at that price ) to get the bells and whistles you want, and enjoy

BTW I fot a pannier , same as recommended for my bike for £17 quid rather then the £70 quid from the official site

It's not even a month since you got it and it's winter (assuming you are uk), what have you done, been to the end of the street and back and concluded you don't like it? Buy a different saddle (if it's the seat causing discomfort) and give it a year or so, if you don't like it after a year using it sell it.

You admit to being poor, but twice your sister has tried to help you out and you've acted very negatively and are being incredibly ungrateful...

Your sister generously and considerately gifts you a bike that you had considered getting for yourself, but to you it's all a hassle and you can't be bothered.

Your sister "contributed handsomely" to your GFM (not to be confused with FGM! 🥺 ), and you act like she pissed on your Christmas tree. Do you really think your friends were gutted that they didn't need to contribute?!

To me it seems like your sister is just trying to be nice. So what if she earns more than you. I don't suppose her gifts are intentionally trying to make you feel inadequate or patronised. I doubt she's trying to buy you off - what exactly is it that she's keeping you sweet for?!

If you feel uncomfortable receiving expensive presents, then communicate that to her.

I don't know how old you both are, but not speaking for 25 years is a long time. Maybe she's gotten to an age where she feels it's now or never and wants a relationship again, but doesn't really know how to go about it. Some people struggle to communicate their feelings and "buy" love instead - like my mum!

You seem to have a tendency to catastrophize things, from the gifting of the bike, to having to ride said bike, to the GFM, to driving, to other drivers and probably more.

Maybe you should speak to someone about your feelings and get professional and practical advice.

What was your Gofundme for? and why did she stop speaking to you?

You’re annoyed with her because she contributed so much to your GoFundMe?????

I've cycled across France three times from the channel to the Mediterranean on an ordinary bike. I bought a different saddle for that, but I have precious little in my savings and don't want to spend it on this.

and

it is not about the bike, it's about the relationship. I wanted to try an electric bike and had the money to buy one myself and take the risk that I didn't get on with it.

Which one is true? You can’t afford a saddle? But, you can afford a bike?

I’m beginning to think you’re just being awkward? Maybe jealous of your sister’s wealth? Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth OP.

I have sympathy with you @Gresley
It's not the bike itself I'm sure, it's about your discomfort with the relationship with your sister and your situation resonates with me. There is someone in my family with a long history of controlling behaviour who uses gift giving to try to manipulate people. Sometimes it's a way to try to "buy" herself back into relationships that she has damaged by her behaviour and on other occasions it's a kind of investment. You can guarantee that at some point her "generosity" will be used as a lever, it's all very transactional. So I am always very suspicious of her motives if I receive a gift, especially if it's out of the blue and not a birthday etc. Something will be expected in return at some point. She also always buys things that she likes rather than ever considering the recipient's tastes and reckons she knows what we want better than we do ourselves. It's all about control.
Is it something along the same lines with your sister? If so, you have my sympathy. Not all gifts are given without strings attached or for the best of motives and it is not always ungrateful not to want them. If you're really uncomfortable with keeping the bike why not donate it to charity, either directly or sell it and donate the proceeds?

What a lovely gift! Get a new saddle and give it a couple of weeks to get used to it.

I felt quite annoyed then because she paid most of what I was asking, so my real friends didn't get the chance
Err it is not really ‘a chance’ to be asked to contribute to a friends go fund me… you seem to want to try to find any excuse to be annoyed at her. She gives you money when you say you need some, and your reaction « she took away the chance for my real friends to give me any ». Sorry but that is self-centered and ridiculous.

You sound conflicted about your sister. Not being spoken to for 25 years sounds like a serious fall out but then some people are extremely quick to cut off so maybe she has realised she acted hastily but been too stubborn to admit it and the only way she knows how to fix things is with money.

Why did her gfm donation rankle? It didn't stop other people from donating if they wished. I once put in the full amount of a friend's gfm because I knew how badly she was struggling and I wanted her to get what she needed plus whatever anyone else could afford to give. Or was it the first "contact" after years of silence?

Donating to your gfm and buying you a bike are hardly the actions of someone who doesn't want you in their life, or at least she still cares about you, have you been in touch since it arrived?

the seat on my bike was agony. i have padding everywhere except my bum. then i went on amazon and got a wide saddle. its incredibly comfy and i cycle everywhere. they are about £15. its worth trying before you get rid of something that could be so much fun.

You've been given an electric bike worth at least £1K, and you're quibbling about a replacement saddle, which can bought, brand new, for £20 or less? This is what's known as cutting off your nose to spite your face.

You seem to be reacting out of resentment and as an ebike rider I feel you could grow to love it.
Get a padded saddle and find some bike lanes, look for a friendly local group that does shorter rides to cafes etc.
I wear padded shorts under my trousers for longer rides and love the freedom that my bike gives me. I’d at least give it until the summer is over before you decide whether to sell it on or not.

so ". I wanted to try an electric bike and had the money to buy one myself " but you dont have the money to buy a new saddle?

You get used to the saddle 😁

@Gresley what was your GFM for?

It seemed like you were dropping hints about wanting an electric bike, even though you didn’t want or expect her to buy you one.

If you can, separate the bike from the context. It’s just an object to get from point A to B. The fact it’s new rather than used, means you are likely going to be safer on it.

If you were thinking about buying one second hand would that have cost less than the padded seat or a pair of padded shorts? You might have needed those things as well plus pay to replace any worn out parts to make it road worthy.

Going out a couple of times isn’t a good barometer.

Agree with leave it in the shed though until the weather picks up and you are feeling more motivated.

Sorry your relationship has been difficult. It isn’t helping to read negativity into every gesture she subsequently makes - in the other example you gave, friends could still have contributed if they wanted to, many fundraisers go well over target they are not finite.

New saddle and gel pants will do the trick. Give it another go.

I think if you can get 2/3 of the cost that's better than it going to waste.

I see PPs have said you can change the saddle, which I wasn't aware of, so I'd try that first. Or contact the manufacturer to see if they have any suggestions.

Take a photo of you on it before you send it? Would she really know if you sold it and got a different brand?

Why did she stop speaking to you?

Ah. It’s good you’ve realised it’s not about the bike OP. Don’t do anything hasty with regards to the gift.