DH is in one of his random moods. Drives me fucking mad

[YankeeDoodleBambi]

DH came home from work at 12:30 - absolutely fine, chatty, pleasant… all good. We had lunch then I went out to hair dressers, got back at 3:30 and just like that, he’s now in a mood. Snapping, can’t be arsed to talk, picking arguments, grumpy …

Of course he says nothing is wrong.

These random moods are doing my fucking head in. Literally no rhyme or reason for it and it happens regularly (at least once a week).

I’m peri-menopausal so I’m likely to blow a fuse if he carries on. Same thing happened 3 weeks ago just after Christmas - he went in a random mood and started picking arguments and I lost it and ended up going nuclear on him. I’m not proud of it but I didn’t apologise either - normally I just put up with this shit but I’m finding i just can’t let it go lately!

Can anyone resonate and did you ever find out what the random moods were about?

(also, anyone found their tolerance for bullshit massively decreased during peri??)

Read up on Autoimmune diseases and women.
So many women develop them through prolonged stress, marriage, family, work, juggling it all.
It dounds like you could be one of those women if not careful.

My friends husband was a grumpy stresshead.
She moved out of the marital bedroom when she was coughing and refused to return.
Having her own room was a game changer.
She simply retired there the minute he got huffy.
This was the status quo for about 5 years, her increasingly living her own life, working, holidaying with friends, she just withdrew and kept contact to a minimum.

Her father was dying and his last wish to her was that she be happy.

She knew she was coming into an inheritance of a house within the next few years and decided to go for it, and told him she wanted a divorce.
She wouldn't discuss it, despite him being stunned apparently.

Her two children were not the least surprised.
He tried to drag his feet but she promptly moved into her mothers house and told him he could sort out the sale. She had a good solicitor who pushed and pushed and eventually it went through.

Her children are fine and busy with their oewn lives.
She is a much happier woman.
The only sticking point was him wanting to be friends and in contact.
She had to spell it out so clearly to him that she would be happy to never lay eyes on him and his grumpy face ever again.
She blocked him to enforce the point.
She has said she would rather stick needles in her eyes than have another relationship.
Five years on this remains the case.

YANBU to not want to put up with bad moods. YABU to attribute it to 'perimenopause'. Either he is being a twat or he isn't. Women who go on and on about perimenopause are annoying, I say this as a 42 year old woman!

I know what you mean!!! Isn't perimenopause just the beginning of menopause?

I believe it's the so called transition between being not in menopause and being in menopause. I'm not sure I fully believe in it, it seems to be that it is at least partly a wellness grift so I view too much discussion of it with suspicion.

Hmmm can I get a periheadache?

Whatever it is, it's tiresome to see it constantly trotted out as an excuse for poor behaviour or bad manners.

I'm wondering why it's ok for OP to "blow a fuse" because of "peri" but he can't be "in a mood" without providing a thorough explanation.

Pretty much this. Yes, he sounds very tedious but if the OP is constantly having 'fuse blowing' moments she sounds little better.

You don't believe in something that's scientifically evidenced? Why not?

The thing that is evidenced is just called menopause. Every middle aged woman who feels a bit stroppy is now 'perimenopausal'. I am at that sort of age myself and I am beyond tired of hearing about it.

No, peri-menopause is also scientifically evidenced and treated. All menopause means is that you've gone a year without periods. Peri is the period of time leading up to that point, which can often last a decade for many women.

Because man…

Interesting... I have a lot of flare ups of allergies and respiratory stuff. Never thought about it before but maybe there is a connection.
Glad to hear your friend is doing better now.

@jamandcustard why speculate when we can ask @YankeeDoodleBambi for facts? Do you know more than she does about her lived experience?

It's really minimising for the people actually living this.

It's horrible. Random moodiness is so damaging. It's not enough to call the police or God forbid 101 but at the same time it changes the atmosphere in the house, it makes people question themselves and become unsure of themselves, if it goes on long enough then people start to modify their behaviour to avoid or circumvent it. It's horrible. The atmosphere permeates the whole house. It changes the person experiencing it because you are never sure of what you have or have not done to cause The Random Mood.

It's very childish on the DH's part. Just say what your issue is and what your needs are so that other people can make autonomous decisions.

I am not sure what you are actually defending @jamandcustard - are you the husband?

If you do this behaviour (you seem to condone it) - then please stop. It's not ok and it's is horribly unpleasant for the people who have to endure it.

@ZoggyStirdust and @Gahr

What is your advise to OP to manage someone who is moody with no explanation?

Practical advice. She didnt wake up and just blow up. This has been happening for a long time.

What is your actual advice? Rather than denigrating the very real experiences that people have during peri meno.

Excuse me? Why have you picked on me?

I haven't defended anything

I agree with the pp. Multiple consultants have stated they believe my various debilitating and long term conditions are from the stress of my abusive marriage. I can now confidently confirm that they appear less severe now I'm out of the marriage. Unfortunately I will never be well again. Please take extra care of yourself whilst you are with him.

@HelpMeUnpickThis thank you for writing this, you've articulated really well why random moodiness is so damaging. Something that is weirdly hard to do when you are in the middle of experiencing it.

So completely agree with you.
Children who grow up in such homes have huge issues with low mood, depression, and anxiety.
We have hyper sensitivity to the moods of others.

In my case I went no contact and never regretted it.
Despite efforts to reconnect I had zero interest in ever being in my father's company again.

So disrespectful to dismissive the damage of this as a lived experience inflicts on those whom endure it.

Thank you for sharing this @Olinguita (Sorry I only just noticed this post.)

I think quite a lot of women will recognise this kind of behaviour in at least one man they have been in a relationship with, if not the one they're with now. It IS a thing, men DO have irrational arsey, passive aggressive, manipulative, cold-shoulder, 'don't know what you did wrong' kind of childish moods. Very rarely any reason for it. Just a miserable moody passive aggressive bastard, who likes to manipulate, and control his wife's moods..... 'because man...'

Women don't do this. It IS a man thing, and yes men do deploy these horrible 'I'm not fucking happy' moods! But 99% of the time, you just never manage to know why. And yes, they need calling out, calling into question, and yes, putting in their place. And finally, yes, isn't it funny how they change their ways when they're called out, and under the threat of losing you, and the life they have?!

As I said earlier in the thread, no way would I still be with my DH if he had carried on with this type of cunty behaviour.

Maybe if they did explain the problem, the explaining might help? The listener can sympathise are help laugh it off, whatever’s appropriate?

You may not believe in the feeling dreadful with heart palpitations that being perimenopausal gave me. Felt like death.
Doctors didn’t believe in it either, took the ages to work it out.