DH is in one of his random moods. Drives me fucking mad

[YankeeDoodleBambi]

DH came home from work at 12:30 - absolutely fine, chatty, pleasant… all good. We had lunch then I went out to hair dressers, got back at 3:30 and just like that, he’s now in a mood. Snapping, can’t be arsed to talk, picking arguments, grumpy …

Of course he says nothing is wrong.

These random moods are doing my fucking head in. Literally no rhyme or reason for it and it happens regularly (at least once a week).

I’m peri-menopausal so I’m likely to blow a fuse if he carries on. Same thing happened 3 weeks ago just after Christmas - he went in a random mood and started picking arguments and I lost it and ended up going nuclear on him. I’m not proud of it but I didn’t apologise either - normally I just put up with this shit but I’m finding i just can’t let it go lately!

Can anyone resonate and did you ever find out what the random moods were about?

(also, anyone found their tolerance for bullshit massively decreased during peri??)

Yeah - this resonates.

I divorced him and will be celebrating 10 blissful years of peace this summer!

Abusive controlling men have a habit of causing upset just before women go out with friends and family.
It's deliberate behaviour to stop them from making plans, toxic coercive control.

After years of that poster tolerating it, she snapped.
Funny how he copped himself on after that.
I bet she bitterly regrets not taking action years earlier.
She likely would have saved herself years of stress if she had.

These people have never been abused. That’s good I’m glad for them (genuinely) but why comment on other people’s opinions? Crazy. Emotional abuse is exactly what this person described. There’s literally adverts in TV now about coercive control and one of the examples being portrayed is a man having a problem / ‘being grumpy’ because the woman is going on a night out! I’m not sure this woman’s abuse could have been any more textbook.

What a stupid comment. I have been abused. I've been beaten and strangled. That's why I know that being grumpy isn't abuse. Everyone is grumpy sometimes. It's normal.

We only know that the poster who flipped her lid at her husband and behaved in abusive manner telling him to fuck off every time her begged her to speak to him is of the opinion that he was only grumpy when she was going somewhere. It may have been coincidence, he may be grumpy because he doesn't like being left alone, the root of the grumpiness may be anxiety because he doesn't like being left alone. Who knows. My husband used to claim that I didn't respect him because I was only ever late for things that were important to him never to things that were important for me, but that was because I was extremely anxious about letting him down so it would take me a lot longer to be ready for things, it was never about disrespect it was about anxiety. But everyone here would be calling me coercive and abusive 🙄 But we only have her side, he may be grumpy for a completely unrelated reason to her but she's decided to take it personally for whatever reason.

One thing is for sure, abusive men don't stop abusing their partner all together and then behave impeccably for the next 15 years because they had a fit at them once. They just don't. Which is why it's ridiculous to call a run of the mill grumpy husband abusive.

Oh and while we're at it, you're the one the who commented on my opinion.

Why comment on peoples life experiences? Crazy. Especially when you got it wrong.

Drop the self righteousness maybe?

Exactly this. Anyone who thinks that the way my husband behaved (as I said in my post from 18.25) is just 'grumpiness,' needs to have a word with themselves. I have no intention of engaging with this poster, but I do find their posts aimed at me upsetting and jarring.

At the time, my DH was manipulative, and moody, and passive aggressive, he controlled my moods, and would deliberately sabotage anything I was looking forward to by being a miserable bastard and causing an argument. He was fucking vile at times, and reduced me to tears, and ruined many an occasion that I was looking forward to.

Got to a point where if I was planning to do something nice/meet a friend/do something with one of our DC, I would say I was just going for a long walk, or doing something alone. Because if he didn't know I was planning on doing something with someone, he wouldn't derail it/sabotage it with his mardy mood, his huffing and moaning, and his sour fucking face.

But hey, being made to feel like shit for nothing, and being reduced to tears by my husband's manipulative, passive-aggressive, moody attitude, is nothing more than him being 'GRUMPY!'

As I said, he was emotionally abusive. I just couldn't see it at the time. The scales fell from my eyes the day I lost my shit with him. The thought of losing me made him mend his ways. Proving that it was orchestrated 'grumpiness!' Created to control me and my moods, and so that HE could decide when I was allowed to enjoy something.

He didn't do it all the time/every time, but probably 1 in 2 times I would say...

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@Greenlandss · Today 20:12

Abusive controlling men have a habit of causing upset just before women go out with friends and family.

It's deliberate behaviour to stop them from making plans, toxic coercive control.

After years of that poster tolerating it, she snapped. Funny how he copped himself on after that.

I bet she bitterly regrets not taking action years earlier.
She likely would have saved herself years of stress if she had.

Thank you Greendlandss. I appreciate the support. Hmmm, yeah I do wonder why I put up with it for 7-8 years, but I can't turn back time. He wasn't like this for the first 13-14 years we were together (including when we had our 2 DC, 8-9 years after we met,) it started about 13-14 years into our relationship, and when the DC were about 9-10.) (So by the time we were around 40-ish...)

I didn't see it coming, or realise it was happening, and did wonder if it was just me, etc etc. But after so many times - as I said - I snapped, because I was SICK of him sabotaging things I was about to enjoy, and his horrible, passive aggressive moods getting me down, making me cry, and ruining anything nice..... As you say, it's funny how he was fine most of the time after I snapped that one time - and has been OK since, thankfully!!! (Some 15 years ago since this happened, and he 'changed his ways' after 7-8 years of being like this...)

Thanks again. I appreciate it after the horrible and upsetting comments from one particular poster. Saying me being emotionally abused is just my husband being 'grumpy,' and accusing ME of being abusive because I retaliated ONCE is actually disgusting. As I said, I'm not engaging with that poster. Not worth it.

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As meatloaf once said

you took the words right outta my mouth!

It must have been when you were kissing me......... 😘

Oh please “My abuse was worse than yours.” Or maybe just say any level of abuse wrong ffs.

Oh please. Of course any level of abuse is wrong but just pompously declaring other people haven't been abused when you know nothing about them is just stupid.

It's shit when people are being grumpy twats, but I'd be a grumpy twat if any adult in my life said "use your words", like I'm a fucking toddler. Maybe that's why he's annoyed.

Someone doesn't like being wrong

Does he gamble?

Ok.. Back to the OP's predicament....
I taught my kids from the time they were confidently verbal with sentences to "use their words". Every sibling disagreement every "big feeling" or agregious thought had to be turned into an "I feel" or "I think" sentence that helped start a conversation that solved problems.
It's been a labour of love.
I love my kids and I did that (and coached them through it and corrected and intervened and praised and corrected and...you get the picture....) because I love them and want them to have those crucial skills.
I never had to coach my husband and frankly I wouldn't have married him if he couldn't "use his words". I wanted a partner not a project.
However, you're not in that place so you need some help. You could take the high road "I feel you're....." "I'm worried about how we communicate ..." "I think there's is an issue with...." .Or you could be more direct and day "we need to see a couples therapist because I don't think we communicate effectively and it's impacting me".
Good luck either way.....

Disagree.

You are making excuses. The fact you had anxiety was your issue to sort out, through calm planning in advance, not getting all of a fluster while also dithering and constantly making your partner late.

The fact that a husband might be ‘anxious’ or ‘lonely’ because his wife is about to go out on a night out with friends is not an excuse to be moody with her so as to ruin her evening. a) he needs to use his big boy WORDS and maybe explain b) sort out his anxiety with a therapist c) not ruin his wife’s evening

God give me strength

Obviously this doesn’t excuse the appalling physically abusive behaviour of your partner.

People can't be in a mood without being accused of abuse. It's ridiculous.

It sounds really annoying OP. It shouldnt be your job to figure out what’s wrong, but my teenage DC try this with me when they’ve lost on a computer game, which fits with what you’ve said about him gaming while you were out.

ExH also used to do it and I only later worked out that it related to affairs. I assume he was being grumpy with me when he’d rowed with someone else 😢

regardless of the ‘why’ though, a good starting point would be to talk to him about it (when he’s not grumpy!) and see what he says.

Well, no. Being moody and explaining why would be okay, but random silent treatment really is abuse.

This is the second thread in thirty minutes where I’ve wanted to recommend divorce. I didn’t used to be a LTB poster. Maybe it’s the lack of oestrogen…

Being in a bad mood is fine - we all get like that. Being in a bad mood and stropping like a toddler and refusing to explain the problem to your spouse is potentially abusive - especially when you don't behave like that anywhere else or with anyone else.

My OH is like this. It's the way mild anxiety/depression/insecurity manifest in him. I saw it in his mum so I think it's a learned/inherited behaviour but as he was completely in denial about it being an issue, certainly not something he should talk to me or the GP about, I gave him an ultimatum before we got married. The moaning, criticism, snapping, moodiness have to stop. You've got six months then I'm out and to be fair he did rein it right in. His choice to leave his anxiety untreated but my choice not to suffer because of it. Nobody's perfect, he certainly tolerates my more negative traits but that was my red line. It still creeps in every so often but when I point it out, he does take it in..not to the point he could talk about it, even admit it, god forbid, but it's obvious he takes it on board... just needs space and thinking time.

No, they're not excuses. And I did have therapy and I did sort it out and it stopped happening. The point I was making was that my behaviour was not abuse, it was symptomatic of a mental health condition, Which needed to be treated and was. And therein lies the solution.

Everyone here is so quick to shout that he is abusing her (several posters agree that the term abuse gets pulled out far too often here) but if he isn't abusing her and he is just a normal man that is behaving this way due to anxiety/insecurity whatever then ignoring him and acting childish about it like posters are advising her to isn't going to help is it. Nor is screaming at him and telling him to shut the fuck up and sort himself out and behaving in an abusive manner like other posters are advising her to.

The OP needs actual useful advice, not just a way to feel like she got one up on him or put him in his place. If he is actually abusing her then she should not bother trying to sort this out and leave him obviously, but declaring every bad mood abuse helps no one move forward.

The post above this one describes a similar situation I was in, handled differently with a different outcome so it's clearly not an unusual problem to have.