DH is in one of his random moods. Drives me fucking mad

[YankeeDoodleBambi]

DH came home from work at 12:30 - absolutely fine, chatty, pleasant… all good. We had lunch then I went out to hair dressers, got back at 3:30 and just like that, he’s now in a mood. Snapping, can’t be arsed to talk, picking arguments, grumpy …

Of course he says nothing is wrong.

These random moods are doing my fucking head in. Literally no rhyme or reason for it and it happens regularly (at least once a week).

I’m peri-menopausal so I’m likely to blow a fuse if he carries on. Same thing happened 3 weeks ago just after Christmas - he went in a random mood and started picking arguments and I lost it and ended up going nuclear on him. I’m not proud of it but I didn’t apologise either - normally I just put up with this shit but I’m finding i just can’t let it go lately!

Can anyone resonate and did you ever find out what the random moods were about?

(also, anyone found their tolerance for bullshit massively decreased during peri??)

Was it because you went out without him?

Some MN posters exist to excuse shit male abusive behaviour.

Years ago my friend was expecting her inlaws for a meal and she had a 2 year old.

She was juggling both the food and the child and he was out doing something non urgent in the garden, an increasing habit of his!
He got pissed off when she told him she needed help as she couldn't do both.
He got really snappy with her and said fine.

She looked at him and thought are you for real?
She turned everything off, grabbed her keys, her baby bag, her toddler and went directly to her mothers.

She texted him that he could cater for his parents as she certainly wasn't being spoken too like that.

He hot trotted up to her mothers immediately, but she wouldn't budge an inch, she wasn't coming home, she wasn't entertaining his parents, and she sure as hell wasn't being spoken to like that.

She didn't return home for 24 hours.
He was very contrite and apparently her nice MIL chewed his ear off big time.

She told him all future entertaining of his family would be on him, as he had completely crossed a line with her.
Things were very rocky for a while as she realised he had developed a bit of a snippy attitude when asked to do things.

They are still together but never had a second child. She quite openly has said that her excellent career was very important to her, and as her husband couldn't cope with more than one child, and she wasn't going to do that to her career.

He is now a good cook because after that incident she realised that she had been doing too much and downed tools in a firm way.

I now know its called the "boiled frog analogy".
The very best, most successful marriages around me are the ones where women had very strong boundaries from the earliest days and their husbands knew it.

@Zov good on you for breaking that boiled frog cycle.👏👏👏

😂

Talking to him like an adult will not work if he’s in a mood after the hours playing games. Mine games occasionally. If he was in a bad mood afterwards I’d bollock him, just like I did/do with teen boys. That, and threaten to dump the console. Been there with DS1 when he was living at home when playing FIFA. We didn’t tolerate gaming moods in him and I wouldn’t tolerate it in DH.

I’d tell him straight “It’s not up for discussion that you’re being moot when I’ve done fuck all-I’m not an idiot. Next time it happens I’ll help you along your way and pack your bag.”

Hmmm, interesting. Thanks for sharing this. Sounds like the situation with my DH some 15-ish years ago. (As I said he was like this for about 6-7 years on and off....) Funny how they manage to snap out of it, or take steps to improve/mend their ways when they're under threat of losing you.

I have NEVER behaved like this with DH - moody, argumentative, curmudgeonly, passive aggressive, arsey, deliberately sabotaging nice events /things he was looking forward to by causing an argument about nothing, going silent and sitting there in a dark mood, whilst saying 'NOTHING' when asked what is wrong!

I have never done this, to him - or anyone - and never would. It does seem to be largely a MAN thing. It is emotional abuse, pure and simple.

There are many reasons why he could have suddenly turned while you were out.

Gambling (and losing)
Talking to another woman
You coming back before he had finished whatever he was doing
Losing at his computer games, or arguing with a team member
You daring to do something for yourself
You daring to spend money on just yourself.

What you can do is decide where your line is before talking to him. If he refuses to accept he's doing this would you seriously consider leaving?

Thanks again @Greenlandss (re your post at 12.53 today.) 😘

And good for your friend @Greenlandss for making a stand!

@Zov - I've been there too.

It gets to a point where there's been so many chip chip chips out of your optimism, good grace and understanding that you become exhausted. It cracks & you get to the point of 'actually, fuck this shit' and feel like you have nothing left to lose by giving them a true unedited version of how you feel.

Sometimes people acting like twatty bellends need to be met with another twatty bellend to see how fucking stupid, rude & destructive they're being.

Finally feeling the results of his own pathetic behaviour (in my case I walked out & we had a huge summit where I let rip) changed the road with my DH too, although I'm still VERY aware that he's still got that trait within him and I act in my own best interest (escape fund, developing career), life has been so much better for both of us & he acknowledges his previous behaviour was embarrassing and he was badly behaved.

I understand what you did & why and think you were a living breathing human at their wits end.

So the sad fuck obviously died in one of his shit games and hes making it your problem

I used to have one like that too. I said used to because thankfully he took his bad moods and fecked off with OW. She was welcome to him.

My husband started doing the whole grumpy man routine a few years ago. Every time he did it I would tell him that he needed to work out how to stop it or I would end up leaving him. That I didn’t want to live my life with a grump, that it was draining me and I couldn’t tolerate it. I didn’t scream or shout at him but was just calm and matter of fact each and every time he did it. He didn’t do it for long and soon snapped out of it.

I grew up in an environment where I had a shouty moody dad until my mum left him and I am not going through that or my children. I can’t control what goes on in this world but I can try and create a peaceful and calm home environment.

@FlashingFairyLight thank you so much for sharing your story too, and for your understanding and kindness and empathy. Sorry you had to tolerate this kind of shit too.

Also @Beaverbridge and @Agrumpyknitter thank you too... for sharing your experiences and stories. I'm sorry that you had to put up with this too.

Why on earth are so many men like this? Not all men obvs, but it does seem to be a thing in some men. Why? WHY are they like this? As I said, I don't believe that women behave the same. Just arsey, moody, grumpy, and moany for nothing!

It's generally men who are moany, moody, passive aggressive, arsey, and generally just mood-hoovers. who make you question what you're said wrong, or what you're done wrong. There was many a time when I was scratching my head, puzzled to fuckery as to what I had done or said to upset DH and make him arsey and moody, and look at me like this. >>>

I was close to tears so many times with sheer frustration at him being 'funny' and arsey and moody with me AGAIN. And it was (99% of the time) for no reason.

Agree but sure it’ll be applauded on here

Being in random / grumpy moods might be part of human behaviour but is NOT ok to inflict your random mood on other people. Being short, snappy, argumentative, picking fights is unkind behaviour and it’s horrible to be around. Ask me how I know? Now divorced.

It is even worse when the moody person is not even mature enough to explain WHAT the mood is about.

If her DH had said “I lost my game - I need some space” there would be no Msnet post about this.

I feel like your answer really minimised how horrible it is to live with these randomly moody people who dont even explain what their actual issue is.

Communication is always an option. Especially as an adult.

What if the thing (like losing a game) would be dismissed as pathetic?

there was a poster earlier who said she gets in a mood if she loses at tennis. I can see the mumsnet post saying “my husband lost at tennis now he’s in a mood” would very firmly say he’s childish and should just get over it.

Yes, I never said it wasn't.

I do think this may play a part in a lot of communication issues - people don't want their worries/upsets/fears to be dismissed as silly or stupid or childish so they don't say anything at all.

You are making things up now. The OP never said anything about thinking his gaming is pathetic. She doesn’t even know what the mood is about - THAT is the point. It’s random and unexplained.

The tennis poster - it’s regular and has been communicated so that the tennis player’s parter KNOWS why and how best to deal with it.

It’s crazy making living with someone who is just rude and moody for reasons you have no idea of.

I have a really excellent DH in many ways, but apt to a bit of sulking or whining.

In perimenopause now and I have no time for him not adulting and he also had to take on a lot more mental load. I told him in no uncertain terms that I cba with crap anymore and if he wanted to stay married, he had to step up and stop whining.

Once you see the sulking...

Did you miss the "What if" at the beginning of that post? PP wasn't saying it was the gaming or that the OP found it pathetic, she was just speculating!

I do think a lot of men become grumpier as they age.
I definitely hear a bit from my friends.
Completely ignoring it and giving them loads of space tends to help them work it out of their systems.
Not all men of course but as I am in my 60's now I notice my friends are still a great laugh to be in their company but some men seem so much older than them, well before their time.

It explains why so many MC older women adore holidaying with their friends very regularly, much more so than their husbands.

OP, just joining this thread belatedly to say that I totally understand where you are coming from. I have a DH who does this and the cumulative stress of living with these dark moods and ongoing tension that comes from all the passive aggressive behaviour and shutdown in communication is actually on the verge of making me unwell. @Zov I don't judge you at all for the way you behaved because I've had moments where I have spoken extremely harshly to my DH and lost my composure because I've been pushed to my limits.

I would describe the emotional effect of sharing a home with a man like this as being like living with severe noise pollution (loud neighbours, construction work etc) that starts off small but gradually ramps up over time until all of a sudden you realise that you never really have peace in your home and you are always a little bit wired, never quite at ease.

As previous posters have said, it's human nature to be grumpy or to have days when you need to retreat emotionally. But the way certain men deploy these moods is something else altogether. It is absolutely A Thing and we need to name it, and in this regard coming on Mumsnet and having these conversations has been very helpful to me.