Staying with ILs is a hell of my own making

[LivinginILspockets]

I’m in a hell of my own making and just need to feel heard, however it may be taken.

I fell in love with a family oriented person from another culture who moved overseas to be with me. He is fab and hasn’t had the easiest time of it both growing up or acclimating to the new country.

The trade of is that half my annual leave is always dedicated to long visits to DH’s country of birth. As a country, it’s fine. I’ve lived there too and have no language barrier and understand the culture well. My complaint is that at his insistence, we stay with the in-laws the whole time. I can’t explain how claustrophobic it is or the weird dynamics that play out.

The in-laws are friendly enough but make no effort to engage with the kids beyond offering them food. They don’t ask them any questions or show an interest in what they’re doing. It’s like the kids are visiting zoo animals to be glanced at occasionally. The cousins and extended family are great but they’re mostly at work/school etc.

Their house is cluttered and dirty, which stresses me out. (Eg there’s food from three days ago still on the stove. I only eat food the moment it’s made and there’s no space in the kitchen for us to make or store our own food. No sooner do I clean the kitchen than it’s trashed again.)

We spend a solid month doing almost nothing except sitting around one or other of the in-laws houses. The town isn’t particularly child friendly and the few trips we’d planned away have been scuppered by some gastro-like illness.

My MIL and FIL barely tolerate each other. They’ve had separate lives since DH was a teen. We took them out to lunch recently and DH tried to carry a convo, but they had nothing to say to each other.

All of the above stresses both of us out, but I try not to say anything because DH made the bigger sacrifice in moving overseas for me. I know it drives him crazy too but after we leave it’s like he gets amnesia for all the annoying bits and we rinse and repeat the following year.

I can hear you thinking that we should stay at a hotel… and I would love to, but DH just would be inexplicably sad to do so. (And staying at a hotel would be as culturally unthinkable as it would be to suggest to an English person that they should just buy a second house for when their in-laws visit at Christmas… like a mind boggling weird idea).

Any dressing downs, sympathy or tales of your own frustrations with in-laws are super welcome (as I buckle up for another 14 hours straight of mainly sitting around at home!!)

I have once stayed with my in laws and it was utterly horrendous. Husbands sister got horrible drunk and started stroking me like I was a doll and treating me like a five year old. His grandmother started a conversation at the table about what a drop out husband is. Just beyond weird the entire weekend. I couldn’t imagine spending any more time with them, they are very strange people. I feel for you, having to spend weeks with yours, sounds awful.

Would it be possible to rent a bigger house in a more interesting town nearby where you could invite them to stay? You could then frame it to dh as giving his parents a holiday as well. And as it would be more expensive you could go for a shorter stay.

This sounds really difficult but I think I would have to put my foot down and make a change! It sounds awful for you and even more so for your kids 😕 but you have options, depending on circumstances/how far you want to go! E.g. you could:

• say your kids can't miss any school (you said the cousins are at school?) and not go, but DH can go
• just accept the cultural weirdness and stay in a hotel/Airbnb
• hire a car locally and just do long day trips out
• pay for them to come to visit you

Sod that. I just wouldn’t do it. My in-laws were very similar. But no fucking way would I spend a month of my year doing that.

I would love to stay in a more interesting town but there isn’t really anything that would suit grandparents and grandkids. And at any rate, the in-laws don’t really have the stamina to be out and about.

What they really like is all of the grown kids popping around of an evening (which can be quite fun and lively, but doesn’t compensate for me at least the loooong days).

MIL very much likes to hold court with everyone of an evening, while FIL sits awkwardly and bides his time to go to church!

Also unfortunately for me, we are in school holidays in the southern hemisphere so there is no such excuse not to go for a long time (esp as it’s long haul).

Is there any chance you could just go for x number of (bearable to you) days next time with the kids and Dh goes for a month? Or does the distance make that impossible?

What age are your dc?

Oh man. Well, on the plus side, you get the rest of the year in peace. I can see why he wants to stay with them, if he only gets to see them once a year? I think I'd just have to clean a whole lot.

My dh is in your situation, but I like to think my family are more fun, there’s more to do and they are great with the kids. Probably some similarities with the food hygiene.
He comes for less time, sometimes takes the older kids home early with him depending on what’s going on…
Could you have a shorter trip and leave him there for the duration?

This is a good idea @LivinginILspockets

Could you do half and half- so stay with them for a week then do a trip? Say that now the kids are a bit older they need to be out and about more, and you’re showing them elements of their heritage?

Or could you leave your husband (and kids if they will) there and you fly back after a week? Invent a work drama…

Other than that I’d suggest taking lessons to learn a new skill while you are there (tennis? Sailing?), taking something to do (sewing/ painting), or just buying as many books as you can, then saying you’re too hot/ cold/ tired and sitting somewhere on your own.

I am married to someone from another country. There isn't a lot to do where he is from and I and the kids found it increasingly dull. Compromises we've found- his family visit us instead. Sometimes we help them with costs. Easier to get on with things and stops the boredom. We visit less often and sometimes go and rent somewhere else for a while and stay there a while. Sometimes he would go without us last it's really about him catching up with people more than us, and this would surely work for you if his parents aren't bothered about the kids). Or he goes earlier e.g. for a week and I take the kids for a few days and we come back together.

But to be brutally honest although I do make some sacrifices (eg go there Sometimes/ have visitors for a week or so at a time) he made the decision to move away from his home country, I didn't put any pressure on him to do that, and one of the downsides that he knew about when he made that decision was that he sees his family less. It's not up to me to use up my annual leave being bored rigid to somehow compensate for the decision he made (appreciate this might be different if he moved 'for you', my husband didn't). It might be good for him to see his parents for that long but it's not really quality time as a family or benefitting you or the kids so I'd be looking to start reducing it down. Surely your kids will be bored stiff and making their opinions known as well?

This is a great point - re. showing them their heritage. In order to appreciate and love the country they have to get out and see it!

.They seem quite set in their ways. Could you perhaps stay a week with them then have a week or two exploring the area, staying in a different town and finish back with them? It is your holiday too and more interesting for your children.

I would love nothing more than to leave them to it after a couple of weeks, and head home early!

The reason I haven’t is a concession to DH’s (and ergo part of my children’s) very group-based culture where people just love being together, and also that I don’t trust my safety standards would be upheld.

I do things like insist everyone wears seatbelts, insist on the kids using car seats until big enough, supervise the kids around (unfenced) pools, ensure the kids aren’t eating food left out for days on end etc. One time we visited, a cheap toy broke and button batteries fell out. No one made any move to pick them up or grab my then toddler.

DH almost reverts into this mentality of “it’ll be fine”, whereas I think it’s a total survivorship bias at play and when you know better, you should do better!

Gosh yes I can imagine if I was your Dh I'd find myself falling back into the rhythm of the culture of his upbringing without even realising.

I would hate it. Cut back, you’ll have to cut back as the children grow older as they will not want to spend their holidays there every year, might as well do it earlier.

I was going to suggest this - it sounds like your husband is on the same page as you somewhat but of course it’s his family so could you sort it between yourselves that you and children join him for certain amount of time and then he has some quality time with them on his own?
Try and find a compromise as they won’t be around forever and the last thing you want is this causing friction between yourself and hubby xx
Failing all of that, get some good reading books, meditate or just hide a good stiff drink in your water bottle 😅❤️

As someone who has to spend interminable weeks in a south Asian country where the only activities are eating (gastro illnesses) and visiting relatives you have my total understanding. The food left out and lax safety standards, same. I end up in tears every time.

In my current predicament, I’d actually love little more than to scrub the living daylights out of the whole house. 12 uninterrupted hours with podcasts and cleaning supplies sounds heavenly. The only problem is they hang on to everything! The patio for example is filled with spare tiles from flooring that MIL installed years ago and has since changed twice.

@Pond4321 I could cry just to know I’m not the only one who’s ever been in that situation!!

Also very sorry that you’ve also been through it! Do you also die a second time when people innocently ask you if you’ve just had the absolute best time on your exotic holiday?!

I would tell him I feel that that I've supported you on all your holidays but just want a break from going every single time, there's many excuses you could use, Hopefully he'll be understanding, tbh I just wouldn't go, it sounds dreary.

How old are the children? This sounds absolutely hellish. It goes without saying that you have a DH problem.

I would insist on reducing the visit by one week. It's ridiculous to waste all your annual leave to be desperately unhappy.

If you are travelling around for second part of the holiday just with your family, you can totally suggest wearing seatbelts and adhere to other safety standards and stay in decent hotel/ eat in a decent cafe.
I brought two car seats to Thailand for my 2 kids (plus a giant suitcase with all things like meds) when we were on a month-long holiday, so I have no qualms on dragging some safety standards with me :D to a certain extent. If you will be in more touristy places it will be easier, there wont' be people leaving button batteries lying around and overall once you will be in your family unit your DH may snap out of his local country mentality.

Or, go every other year. He can go himself every year if he wants to.