Staying with ILs is a hell of my own making

[LivinginILspockets]

I’m in a hell of my own making and just need to feel heard, however it may be taken.

I fell in love with a family oriented person from another culture who moved overseas to be with me. He is fab and hasn’t had the easiest time of it both growing up or acclimating to the new country.

The trade of is that half my annual leave is always dedicated to long visits to DH’s country of birth. As a country, it’s fine. I’ve lived there too and have no language barrier and understand the culture well. My complaint is that at his insistence, we stay with the in-laws the whole time. I can’t explain how claustrophobic it is or the weird dynamics that play out.

The in-laws are friendly enough but make no effort to engage with the kids beyond offering them food. They don’t ask them any questions or show an interest in what they’re doing. It’s like the kids are visiting zoo animals to be glanced at occasionally. The cousins and extended family are great but they’re mostly at work/school etc.

Their house is cluttered and dirty, which stresses me out. (Eg there’s food from three days ago still on the stove. I only eat food the moment it’s made and there’s no space in the kitchen for us to make or store our own food. No sooner do I clean the kitchen than it’s trashed again.)

We spend a solid month doing almost nothing except sitting around one or other of the in-laws houses. The town isn’t particularly child friendly and the few trips we’d planned away have been scuppered by some gastro-like illness.

My MIL and FIL barely tolerate each other. They’ve had separate lives since DH was a teen. We took them out to lunch recently and DH tried to carry a convo, but they had nothing to say to each other.

All of the above stresses both of us out, but I try not to say anything because DH made the bigger sacrifice in moving overseas for me. I know it drives him crazy too but after we leave it’s like he gets amnesia for all the annoying bits and we rinse and repeat the following year.

I can hear you thinking that we should stay at a hotel… and I would love to, but DH just would be inexplicably sad to do so. (And staying at a hotel would be as culturally unthinkable as it would be to suggest to an English person that they should just buy a second house for when their in-laws visit at Christmas… like a mind boggling weird idea).

Any dressing downs, sympathy or tales of your own frustrations with in-laws are super welcome (as I buckle up for another 14 hours straight of mainly sitting around at home!!)

We do stay at my MILs when we visit DHs home country which is once or twice a year usually. I get what you mean about not being able to just book a hotel. Even though we did rent a house closeby as I had only given birth a few months earlier so needed the space and privacy, that was nice! But yes it can be extremely boring for me as I don’t speak the language very fluently but I can get by. I usually try and get the kids out of the house, even if it’s just a walk somewhere. I also have to cook and clean myself if I want to be comfortable enough and MIL doesn’t mind at all. Would they be offended if you did this? Sometimes DH does go by himself as he understands it’s not as fun for me and I appreciate he still wants to see his family. Is that an option?

Just read your update about the safety standards. This really resonates and why I haven’t just sent the kids alone with DH yet, until they’re a bit older at least. MILs house is a bit of a death trap for a toddler. My older son actually had a serious accident that required surgery! We had left him alone with one of the in laws for a few hours. Honestly if I was you I’d just send DH alone and go along every other year.

@LivinginILspockets Force the hotel idea. You and the kids stay in a local hotel and your DH stays with the in laws and spends quality time with them, which would assuage his guilt. And perhaps shorter trips.

OP, could you go somewhere else while you’re there? Say you were going to Thailand to stay in Bangkok - it wouldn’t be unreasonable to take a week out to go to Chiang Mai or to one of the islands. Is there any possibility of being able to do that, so that at least you and your DC would have one week out of four to look forward to!

It sounds excruciating. And pretty poor for the kids too.

How old are the kids? Is there any sort of project you could do with them during the days? So you aren’t just sitting around? Have them take photos and build a book about the town? Or learn a local craft?

Do you have a car (or could you insist on renting one)? Can you head off for day trips (may be even the odd over night) to see the area?

So you look on the month as a big project you do with your kids, that can be different every year, rather than another 4 weeks sitting around in the in-law’s house?

But agree with some others that telling your DH he can stay the whole time but you and the kids will just do a couple of weeks is also reasonable. (And given your safety concerns and the PiL’s lack of interest in the kids I think it’s reasonable to tell him the kids can’t stay with him).

I'm really sorry you have to tolerate this OP. I can understand why you started the thread to find out if there were other people in the same situation. This may give you comfort knowing your not the only one in this type of arrangement. The truth is you may feel comforted but is this enough? I think deep down you know the situation will never change as long as your DH is insistent on putting you through this knowing it makes you unhappy. I think it's time to be strong and let him know you won't tolerate it again so there has to be an alternative or you and your children will not be attending.

As an option I like the idea another poster suggested. Rent a short term property and invite his parents to stay while extending an invite to his family for visits. It's worth money if only for peace of mind.

It sounds horrendous, but it's the price you pay for marrying someone from a completely different culture to your own. Your husband sounds like he loves it, it's how he grew up and is normal for him, that's why he can't relate to your feelings about it (you say he has amnesia about what you consider the bad bits and only remembers the good.) They're his parents and his extended family, they were probably close growing up, you have to respect that this is your husband's heritage and he will want his children to experience that. I'm sorry that you have to put up with it for such a long time, but for the sake of your marriage you'll just have to put up with it, otherwise it will cause friction between you and your husband. Just be thankful you don't live there and appreciate your western way of life for the rest of the year

We fly 14 hours to see ILs every summer for 3 weeks. We then spend 1 week with them, take a 1-week holiday in the country without them, then back with them for the last week. If we didn’t, I’d resent sitting indoors most of the day in the air on in a town with little to do. As it is, the week in the middle really makes a difference for us. It might be that something similar could work for you, OP

@TheSunRisesInTheEast I get it’s the price I pay for marrying who I did and living where I do. Fair enough, I just need to vent during the visits. It’s helpful to see that I’m not the only person missing out on taking annual leave for fun trips instead of duty visits (although of course I wish you all had the holidays you deserve instead!)

All the suggestions to break up the visit are so reasonable. We had planned a fortnight with ILs, a week exploring some cool cities, then the last fortnight with ILs. The main reason I’m so down in the dumps if we had to cancel the trips in the middle thanks to nonstop DV felling us like dominoes. 😭

I totally get your need to vent, few understand. It’s us left holding the poopy babies. The country I go to doesn’t even get holiday tourists, so there is literally no option to do anything else. I just play it safe and stay at the home to minimise the inevitable illnesses.

ChatGPT has also been subjected to my vents. Rather helpfully it suggested reframing this not as a holiday but as a pilgrimage involving some level of suffering. I feel seen! It grates so much when well meaning friends or colleagues ask how the holiday was. I’m so far from the resorts and nights out while family babysits etc that they’re imagining that it’s not funny.

If anything, we’re babysitting a nephew (very lovely in fairness) every day as his own parent isn’t very hands on and just leaves them with MIL, who is well past the active parenting (or grandparenting!) stage.

I have family that moved abroad to SIL home country and now 3 weeks every summer we have to work around their schedule and expectations of being hosted when they return. My DC love to see their cousins but SIL and I have very little in common and we have very different parenting styles. It also means I have to spend much more time with other extended family than I want to. Obviously we want to see them (and theres no plans for us to go to where they live) but its a lot and I'm not sure anyone really enjoys it that much.

get them to visit you instead

Oh my gosh your poor son!! Was he ok? Were your ILs blasé about it or did they accept responsibility? Did that put an end to your saying with them?

I’d much prefer this (especially if I could work for most of their visit!!). But unfortunately the ILs are past their long haul travel days and there are so many more family members that DH wants to see.

OP this actually is really unfair on your DC having all their vacation time used on a pilgrimage to a dirty home with grandparents who aren’t interested. Shorten it or do it every other year. And yes you have a DH problem.

How confident are you that your ILs actually like having you in their house for a month?

Sounds like your MIL prefers having everyone around in the evening, so it would make sense to rent a house nearby and see them evenings like the rest of the family.

Wouldn’t it be unfortunate if your employer was unable to grant you such a large chunk of annual leave in one go? 😉

They’re rather oblivious! They enjoy time with their cousins and playing with whichever random kids are playing in this little playground near the ILs house. They also love staying up late when everyone congregates at the ILs house.

Might be more of an issue when they’re older though…

I have said YABU as I simply wouldn’t go. I would limit visits to much shorter and in a hotel.

I see you and hear you. Humour is honestly the only way to get through it alive. Obviously they wont get your humour so its just going to be played in your head. So you are going to imagine you are filming some sort of mocumentary for the bbc where things dont quite go to plan. Lots of self deprecation. Do you have a friend with a similar sense of humour you can share your daily updates with? If not, share them here!

Oh I am a thousand percent confident that they would be outraged and dismayed if we would consider staying anywhere else! It’s cultural. The first time we travelled back here, we stayed in a nearby hotel. My husband regrets it to this day, as does my MIL! It was awesome for me though 😂

I only wish I was senior enough to have trouble getting time off! A plan I can work on over the next decade…

You’ve lifted my spirits to no end. Thank you. Logging off for the time difference but will appreciate any posts that come in overnight and reply during my next long stint on the ILs couch!

@LivinginILspockets Where do you normally live?
Where do your ILs live?
How old are your DC?

Just wondering about the cultural differences you elude to - if you tell us countries so that won't be outing.

At some point you are going to have a chat with your DH about how miserable you are.
Just because he moved countries does not mean you have to visit his family every single year. It sounds like he is guilt tripping you.

There are thousands of people from the UK who have moved to Australia or NZ and stayed as they have met someone &/or love the country. They don't visit parents back in the UK every year.