Staying with ILs is a hell of my own making

[LivinginILspockets]

I’m in a hell of my own making and just need to feel heard, however it may be taken.

I fell in love with a family oriented person from another culture who moved overseas to be with me. He is fab and hasn’t had the easiest time of it both growing up or acclimating to the new country.

The trade of is that half my annual leave is always dedicated to long visits to DH’s country of birth. As a country, it’s fine. I’ve lived there too and have no language barrier and understand the culture well. My complaint is that at his insistence, we stay with the in-laws the whole time. I can’t explain how claustrophobic it is or the weird dynamics that play out.

The in-laws are friendly enough but make no effort to engage with the kids beyond offering them food. They don’t ask them any questions or show an interest in what they’re doing. It’s like the kids are visiting zoo animals to be glanced at occasionally. The cousins and extended family are great but they’re mostly at work/school etc.

Their house is cluttered and dirty, which stresses me out. (Eg there’s food from three days ago still on the stove. I only eat food the moment it’s made and there’s no space in the kitchen for us to make or store our own food. No sooner do I clean the kitchen than it’s trashed again.)

We spend a solid month doing almost nothing except sitting around one or other of the in-laws houses. The town isn’t particularly child friendly and the few trips we’d planned away have been scuppered by some gastro-like illness.

My MIL and FIL barely tolerate each other. They’ve had separate lives since DH was a teen. We took them out to lunch recently and DH tried to carry a convo, but they had nothing to say to each other.

All of the above stresses both of us out, but I try not to say anything because DH made the bigger sacrifice in moving overseas for me. I know it drives him crazy too but after we leave it’s like he gets amnesia for all the annoying bits and we rinse and repeat the following year.

I can hear you thinking that we should stay at a hotel… and I would love to, but DH just would be inexplicably sad to do so. (And staying at a hotel would be as culturally unthinkable as it would be to suggest to an English person that they should just buy a second house for when their in-laws visit at Christmas… like a mind boggling weird idea).

Any dressing downs, sympathy or tales of your own frustrations with in-laws are super welcome (as I buckle up for another 14 hours straight of mainly sitting around at home!!)

OP, does your DH enjoy these visits?

Were you not aware of your husband's culture and family set-up before you married him? Did you visit his parents in their home before you decided to spend your life with him? You could be talking about anywhere from Australia to Swaziland, in light of your comments it is probably somewhere like the latter, as most Australians live like Europeans. I'm guessing there is a lot of familial respect, regardless of how they interact with one another. I get that you feel this is a waste of holiday time, but you'll just have to accept it if you want to stay in the marriage. It sounds like your children enjoy the outdoor and carefree lifestyle it offers, that in itself is a positive for visiting the family. Your husband probably loves it, it's all he knew before coming to live in England. That just leaves you. I can imagine how awful it must be for you, you'd probably rather be somewhere exotic, 5 star AI hotel, lying on a sunbed watching the children in the pool, sipping a mojito cocktail, but you'll have to wait until your in-laws pass away, they must be elderly if they can no longer fly or babysit. In the meantime, you could book yourself into a hotel with a spa for the odd weekend to have some luxury and pampering, a nice treat for putting up with the yearly dutiful stay with your in-laws.

It doesn't have to be a long haul flight to an undeveloped country to be tedious OP. In the same boat when I go to Canada . It's lovely , family want to see us but we are still trapped. Remote and driving anywhere an issue as they are upset if we suggest we go away as " we hardly see you " . Stuck in rooms that can't really accommodate us and kids were on blow up beds in an office / study. Spend an awful lot of time in cars visiting other elderly relatives that my kids got quickly bored and restless as no allowances made for them. Or visitors were hosted in the house and the concept of a being non drinking ( because of kids ) vegetarian made me an object of curiosity.
As kids got older they had friends , jobs , club activities that made long visits not possible. I survived by thinking of it not as a holiday but a duty .
And sometimes you need to sacrifice yourself as it's a good , kind thing to do not to abandon the people who took care of you and brought you up . Someday you might be a MIL or mother longing to see your grown up kids .
Your In-laws are doing what comes naturally to them and your DH lived there until he left . Try and tolerate it for awhile .

I would say you need a job during the day - what about volunteering at an orphanage, nearby school etc and you and the DCs go in to chat in English with the residents to help improve their spoken casual English. Or become religious and visit the local Christian church to do the same.

This is going to sound pretty cold, but as you have said that your PILs are past the point of active grandparenting and long-haul travel, I'm assuming they are fairly elderly. In which case you may not be doing these trips for that many more years, so one option is to just do your best to go along with it for as long as it's still a thing.

Some of this is a “suck it up” situation. Many of us have some difficulties with our ILs (whether they leave abroad or not!) and spending time with them for the sake of your kids and your partner is part of life. If they literally only see your kids once a year then staying eg a fortnight seems to be to be a “cost of doing business” and part of the kindness and accommodation of others that goes along with family. (It’s also helpful to remind yourself that how you do this will be part of role modelling to your kids how they and their future partners should treat you!).

however, this amount is too much. It needs to come down to 3-4 weeks “in country” of which you spend a weekish with them, travel for a bit (if necessary leaving your partner with his parents) and then back for another weekish. A shorter trip is also the only way this will be sustainable as the kids get older.

but the people who say an absolute “you don’t like it so you don’t have to do it” are wrong, imho. You need to do some of it (and personally I think a two year gap between seeing grandparents is very unreasonable as people can and do die suddenly). But maybe it has got a little out of hand in duration…..

This. I'd also rope DH into outdoor tasks like clearing old tiles off the patio so his parents don't fall over stuff in their old age, spot of painting. Potentially if his parents start lining up lots of jobs for his visits home it will take the shine off somewhat, you can only hope.

Next time at least put your foot down and say you need to start the trip with your own holiday so everyone is well rested, jet lag is gone and no-one hopefully has DV when you land on the in-laws after 10 days.

Have you no access to a car for days out / overnight trip mid week to do something interesting or is it just insanely rural in the manner of a huge country like Australia where it could be a 5 hour drive just to go to the shops? Or bonkers hot so doing anything with small children is really quite hard?

Ha, this is exactly what my SiL does when stuck in my Mothers house for an extended visit.
This is a relationship issue really. DH had this rammed home one year when DD started crying as she was so bored at the inlaws. Sitting round chatting isn't fun for kids and they'll eventually make their feelings known and your DH will have to adapt.

This is a relationship issue really. DH had this rammed home one year when DD started crying as she was so bored at the inlaws. Sitting round chatting isn't fun for kids and they'll eventually make their feelings known and your DH will have to adapt.

@turkeyboots and did your DH adapt (hoping he did!)??

He did, eventually.

DH can stay with the In-laws

You and kids can stay at the hotel.

Do not destroy your mental health on your annual leave to please other people. A family member did just that & she ended up getting sectioned when returning to the aUK through stress and physically illness due to virus contracted in the place she was staying. It wasn't pleasant and she took almost two years to return to relative normality.

Oh my god

Omg..

That's what happens when you get involved with different cultures

That's what happens when you get involved with different cultures

Blow they guy away. He's a waste of your life.

If you cut the length of the trip by half maybe everyone might be relieved , your in-laws may find it difficult to have family stay so long .
I think you should suggest this to your husband.

It sounds like a terrible dreary nightmare.....and I would refuse to go
DH could go without me . I understand that this is the way they do things and this is their culture..but it's not mine