Staying with ILs is a hell of my own making

[LivinginILspockets]

I’m in a hell of my own making and just need to feel heard, however it may be taken.

I fell in love with a family oriented person from another culture who moved overseas to be with me. He is fab and hasn’t had the easiest time of it both growing up or acclimating to the new country.

The trade of is that half my annual leave is always dedicated to long visits to DH’s country of birth. As a country, it’s fine. I’ve lived there too and have no language barrier and understand the culture well. My complaint is that at his insistence, we stay with the in-laws the whole time. I can’t explain how claustrophobic it is or the weird dynamics that play out.

The in-laws are friendly enough but make no effort to engage with the kids beyond offering them food. They don’t ask them any questions or show an interest in what they’re doing. It’s like the kids are visiting zoo animals to be glanced at occasionally. The cousins and extended family are great but they’re mostly at work/school etc.

Their house is cluttered and dirty, which stresses me out. (Eg there’s food from three days ago still on the stove. I only eat food the moment it’s made and there’s no space in the kitchen for us to make or store our own food. No sooner do I clean the kitchen than it’s trashed again.)

We spend a solid month doing almost nothing except sitting around one or other of the in-laws houses. The town isn’t particularly child friendly and the few trips we’d planned away have been scuppered by some gastro-like illness.

My MIL and FIL barely tolerate each other. They’ve had separate lives since DH was a teen. We took them out to lunch recently and DH tried to carry a convo, but they had nothing to say to each other.

All of the above stresses both of us out, but I try not to say anything because DH made the bigger sacrifice in moving overseas for me. I know it drives him crazy too but after we leave it’s like he gets amnesia for all the annoying bits and we rinse and repeat the following year.

I can hear you thinking that we should stay at a hotel… and I would love to, but DH just would be inexplicably sad to do so. (And staying at a hotel would be as culturally unthinkable as it would be to suggest to an English person that they should just buy a second house for when their in-laws visit at Christmas… like a mind boggling weird idea).

Any dressing downs, sympathy or tales of your own frustrations with in-laws are super welcome (as I buckle up for another 14 hours straight of mainly sitting around at home!!)

You sound super sensible @LivinginILspockets

This can't go on as the kids grow though. They will be bored out of their minds. It's time to sit him down and say that it sounded like a good idea but it's not working and change it to him going out there and you and the kids following for a shorter amount of time due to ....make stuff up. Anything. Kids parties, school play, sports events, vaccination appointments etc.

He doesn't hae to tell them ahead of time or there will be a row. He can tun up alone and tell them that you are all arriving on such and such a day. One you have done it once, it can be continued.

Do this for your kids as much as yourself but if you are all getting the squits because of the lack of food hygiene, that is bloody dangerous, especially for kids.

I go every other year and just sit in a kitchen in a foreign land for two weeks even though the country is the most visited for the incredible scenery but the people (who are distant family) are the nicest people on the planet, there are lots of visitors that come to check if I am real and they bring amazing food and drink and although I can't speak their language and they can't speak English, we have a belting time.

Trust your gut (no pun intended).

I had many years of this - staying with the ILs abroad is NOT a holiday - I told H that he had to go on his own (it was him they wanted to see, not me) and told ILs that I couldn’t get annual leave OR a few times we both went and I came back early (because “I couldn’t get enough leave”)

Be careful if you invite them to visit you - mine stayed for 6 weeks at a time and complained about the food, weather, housekeeping, everything - they were much nicer at home !

Go for one week then go off for a holiday of your choice. What can they do? Bet the siblings would understand if they are decent people. Honestly my kids now late teen and we have so many holiday memories. Family holidays with primary aged kids are finite and precious. You are wasting yours.

Yes my son was fine in the end. Really surprised me how resilient he was. It was actually with a much loved in law who shares a really lovely bond with him, so they were devastated. It was the sort of accident that ‘could’ have happened even at home I guess, except I’m much more on the ball safety wise, so not really. They haven’t gone back to stay since as we’ve moved even further away now but DH is actually going alone soon.

Could you do some work remotely from there and at least save leave?

I'm sorry, but this has to stop. Life is short and precious and you are wasting a 12th of yours (and your kids') being miserable.

You don't have to be with DH the whole time. Go for a week and come back with your kids - he can stay a bit longer if he wants to.

It’s not reasonable to spend the majority of your leave with your in-laws doing nothing and having kids doing nothing.
With the bug spoiling your trip this time can you propose that next year you start with a 10 day vacation, you all spend 4-5 days at in-laws then you bring the kids home so they get time with friends during long school holiday & OH stays an extra week or two.
This is broadly what my colleagues who have family in Asia or Latin America do. They plan well in advance and arrange time with extended family over a long weekend, travel somewhere else in the country or a neighbouring one as a vacation and often invite a sibling or their parents to join that and spend some time alone to catch up with friends and usually do some jobs to help out parents/sibilings.

I’d love to know what job you have that gives you ten weeks holiday, if you have to spend five weeks a year with your in-laws. Sorry, missed the point of the thread but don’t have any words of wisdom.

So what if they are outraged and dismayed? Is that a higher priority than your happiness?

This. I would occupy myself cleaning while listening to podcasts. I would also batch cook and stock the fridge. They might be expecting you to do this and be wondering why their strange DIL just sits around staring into space all day. 😂

I do think you are being too self-sacrificing. Your DH chose to marry you and move to a different country, you didn't hold a gun to his head. He has got as much from the marriage as you have and there is no reason for you to feel guilty.

Surely some things are non-negotiable, such as taking practical steps so that you and your family aren't getting ill with D&V every single time you stay with your PILs due to their extremely lax hygiene? That is a very strong case for staying in a hotel or at least for your DH to put his foot down about hygiene in their home. There is absolutely no way I would agree to being poleaxed by severe D&V every single year.

Could you pay for your PILs to come and stay with you every other year?

What about your DH going on his own every other year? Your PILs certainly don't sound like hands-on and involved grandparents at all and they probably wouldn't be bothered about not seeing your children.

At the very least, can you cut down the length of the visit by ta couple of weeks? It sounds like you are currently staying for five weeks, which would be a huge chunk of your annual leave.

I just wouldn’t go. I wouldn’t take my children to a dirty unsafe environment regardless of who I was married to. Dh can go on his own.

OP can't your husband go early and you are the kids join him later. This is quite a rubbish way for kids to spend multiple weeks of there school holidays so say no.

If the kids are happy playing with their cousins you may have to suck it up for now... get a kindle or offer to clean the kitchen/cook to keep yourself busy. Or go to the local market/supermarket

It isn't going to be forever it sounds like the grandparents may not have too many years of hosting ahead of them anyway if they are past the childcare years/too infirm to travel.

Well it might not be “forever” but it will likely be her kids golden years (6-11) re family holidays!

That's the point about the kids enjoying it though - if they are loving this time and building a relationship with their cousins, having freedom to run around and play, these probably will be the holidays they look back at with fondness their whole lives. Younger kids actually like returning to the same place with regularity. As they get older they are likelier to want to travel more and explore new places.

Sounds horrendous and I’d be climbing the walls - and I think I’m fairly tolerant.
However, what is this holiday like for your dc? If they enjoy it (kids can be weird ) then you’ll have to suck it up for now. If they don’t now or in the future then things will have to change.
It’s a long time every single year to be miserable. You could be having a great time at home.

Sympathies, we have similar but in France! ILs live near a great city but if we take ourselves there for the day we get the silent treatment, hiring a car causes offence and it’s just very boring. I speak French but they choose to speak a different language that I don’t speak at all so it’s quite dull to sit there not being able to contribute.

oh and the house is a wreck so we are expected to do loads of DIY.

I just refuse to go now and DH is welcome to take DS if he wants. He’s declined so far.

While the kids are young and you feel you need to protect them I’d continue because it seems to be a very real issue. But once older I’d leave DH off alone. In the meantime I’d hire a car and do a lot of day trips exploring the country around DH’s parents make plans and they can come along or not but at least you would get some space.

Honestly though I saw a family member really try to have these close family relationships from abroad. If people don’t have warmth and capacity like your in laws, they are always elusive. My family was similar, relationships between them are just elusive.

Day trips?
Gardens?
Zoos?
Museums?
Mini break in the country?
Can you say where without outing and see if any of us can make suggestions.

My in-laws are in a European country. They are judgemental and a visit is deeply unpleasant/boring. There is a SIL who never left home and is a malicious meddler. They eat one or two meals a day and a lot of sweets, plus drink all afternoon. Have to sneak out to get proper food. Doing anything outside the house is perceived as rude. We don’t have a lot of contact and now when we visit I do take DC out.

I admit I wouldn’t do it. Wasting annual leave and a long haul flight, to sit with fuck all to do in a dirty house for a month? Just no. I would have set the staying-in-a-hotel rule right away tbh, stuck to my guns, and ignored any flack. I agree it’s a bit late now though, you’ve gone with it now and made your bed really. If you won’t risk the wrath/upset, etc of various family members you suck it up. Just buy in some cleaning products and crack on?

I voted YABU as your husband has made a huge sacrifice.
You use half your annual leave which I estimate is between 10 - 15 days.
As hard as it is and I fully understand your frustration, I think you need to change your mindset on this

Well your options are you either grow a pair and put your foot down at your kids school holidays being wasted or you suck it up.

As an aside “home country” /“country of birth” is getting like the notorious “hobby” on here. Why does no one ever say whew it is, as it maybe helpful info? It’s hardly likely to be outing.

Keep a diary. Day by day of the visit. Take photos of the filthy house.
Record the amount of time you spend cleaning the kitchen so you can eat.
Tha activities you do. The things his family do with the kids, or not.
Photograph the safety concerns etc..
At the end of each day get togethervwith DH and agree that the record is accurate.

This way, when the direct memories fade you will have a solid record of what a disaster the month is / was that cant be obscured with rose tinted glasses.
Even if it means you still go but insist on change when there it means you will know what you are planning to "defeat" and be doing it as a team rather than it ending up looking like your aversion to his family.

This is like our relationship but I am like your husband. I force my partner to stay with my family for 6 weeks every year. We stay with family. I'm from the UK and he has to stay in poky UK houses and not have any agency for all that time. He copes by taking himself of lots of mini breaks, like to Ireland, Liverpool, London etc. My parents and siblings aren't awful like your in laws though (or so I think).