AIBU - expecting son to pay for his own 'luxury' groceries on top of rent

[QuaintNewt]

23yo DS pays £500 a month 'rent'. This includes, all bills including mobile but ive recently asked him to take this on himself as he can get cheap sim only contract and good for credit rating etc. It also includes meals and snacks Sunday - Thursday with the original agreement being he buys his own meals on weekends (take aways) although if im cooking i will offer to include him and his gf in meals too.

We are very comfortable and not financially 'short' but also not loaded, we live well but dont have loads left over, and DS earns around £1800 after tax and has EV paid through work costing him £30 a month BIK (he charges at home and claims work mileage as expenses) so no other outgoings .

He thinks £500 a month is excessive and we have recently had a discussion about him paying us for his car electricity on top of his rent, I also do not want to buy him large packs of canned drinks and coffee pods (nespresso) as part of our weekly shop. The coffee machine was purchased as weve recently moved rurally and i miss my occasional coffee shop coffee but dont expect to be paying £150 a month in pods for is all which I can see happening ig DH,DS,DD all start drinking 2 o 3 coffees a day!

AIBU and a tighta**e or do you think expecting him to purchase these things himself is fair?

Why does he have that mindset? That’s not a normal way to think for an adult??

not worth the fight

and now you’re reaping the result of that kind of parenting op

A parent wouldn't buy petrol, so why would they buy electric for his fuel? And the luxuries are for him to enjoy!

increase your DDs rent and don’t give her the bus fare.

I learnt when I was at uni and overspent and asked for extra for food as I hadn’t sorted it. My parents said no. I never did it again.

You said you are 'very comfortable' I could not imagine a world in which I would take £500 a month off my child out of £1800 unless I was on the bones of my arse. That is just me though.

If he doesn't stick to your rules like not smoking and not clearing up, ask him to leave.
You are letting him get away with bad behaviour!

£500 a month and he only takes home £1800?

I mean great that he'll get a 10k deposit toward a house but surely he could be saving a bigger deposit is he actually paying all your bills?

Reduce it or pay for his 'luxury' coffee pods at the very least.

This is an adult we are talking about, if he fucks up in the real world, stops paying rent or bills in his name then he gets in trouble, he gets a lower credit score, ccjs.
Aduts that do this need to pay their way, his parents very generously covered for him to avoid those very real world consequences, they were not responsible for him but they still did this.

He now pays less than a third of his wages for keep, he breaks house rules by smoking in his parents house and doesn't even tidy up or clean up after himself and is now complaining about the cost of it.

He is rude, ungrateful and financially incompetent, how long do you expect his parents to bail him out at their cost?
How long is he allowed to keep fucking up and suckle at his parents tit like a pathetic runt?

£500 is a lot to charge your own son. Yabu to think of charging more on top. I'd be taking this and probably give some back to him when he buys a a house to help with a deposit. I think your seeing him as a lodger, he is your son. Yes teach him a lesson he needs to pay keep but not begrudge him using electric and some coffee pods. I think that's tight.

He can set up a Nespresso account and have them delivered to the house or buy Starbucks by Nespresso in supermarkets. Really nice esp when on offer.
There's the door if he can live cheaper or charge him less but he funds his own luxuries

I don't really care how much rent would be if living with me wasn't an option. It would be more about actually covering the cost of bills and food.

@Teainthekitchen I'd do the same, it would be “board” not “rent” as I wouldn’t expect mine to contribute towards the mortgage. But our utilities increase significantly when DD (20) is home from uni so at 23, I think it’s reasonable for an adult to cover their share of the household income bills.

Does he pay his own car insurance @QuaintNewt? It def. makes sense for him to pay for his phone if he can get a cheap deal.

He has attempted to live independently before but got into difficulty through what seems like pure fecklessness, and you have brought him back to his childhood home as a result.

Now he's there he has absolutely zero responsibilities of any kind. He barely contributes financially. You cannot even talk to him about difficult issues (like tidying, not smoking etc.).

@QuaintNewt, what is the purpose of this arrangement? You are, essentially, facilitating an unrealistic standard of living for him, preventing him from gaining important life skills, stopping him from facing (on his own!) the kind of challenges that are essential for people to face at this age and generally just cushioning him from reality.

Do you think this is in his best interests?

Do you think he will learn the skills that he needs living with you like this? It sounds like if anything he's regressing given he has the cheek to moan about his extremely modest contribution to your finances.

You need to assert yourself. If he wants to be a child and live in his childhood home then he needs to be treated like a child.

Start with the finances: work out what an equivalent bedroom in a nice houseshare would cost, plus council tax, plus utilities, then add his total food costs and sundries and cleaning at minimum 20 an hour x however many hours you spend doing housework.

He should have a modest sum for personal spending, say 150 per month. (Who the HELL has 1300 left for themselves every month??? It's NUTS.)

Also, do you even know how much he's saving, if any? Everything that he has left over should go to an account you have control over.

Not unreasonable , if he thinks it’s to much he can pay rent elsewhere and all expenses .
If you all love coffee can I suggest you invest in a beans to cup machine , yes they are expensive but even if you drink 10 coffee a day you will only spend £30 on 2 good bags of bean coffee

'Only' is your clue there.

If you saw my earlier post I make a distinction between the rent paid and the behaviour. He should be pulling his weight in the home with cooking/ cleaning etc irrespective of what rent is charged. I didn't charge my DC anything and they both saved and bought houses but they were absolutely expected to share the chores.

If he’s not happy I’ll happily swap with him.
He can move into my house and I’ll come live with you OP.

Personally I think it’s pathetic for parents to renege on their responsibilities and treat their DC like tenants.

I could not imagine leaving my DC to struggle as you seem to relish.

I've been on another thread recently where two 11-year-olds were abruptly sent home from a sleepover because they spilled some water, and posters were calling these girls all kinds of abusive names, because "they did not do as they were told".

And here we have an ADULT MAN, not paying his way and not doing his share in the house, smoking indoors against his parents wishes and intimidating them, and posters are saying it's all fine and 500 is too much.

How, how, are both these things possible???

I thought that until a few weeks ago when I watched my DS make himself a smoked salmon bagel and massive posh coffee in a glass nespresso cup for breakfast and thinking he’s never going to move out.

Tell him to rent a studio flat

I paid £30 a week in 1985! My Mum was not wealthy and valued my 'top up' to her income.

A house share doesn't throw in most food, bills, and even a mobile contract.

Its what they expect these days. When my daughter passed her test 20 years ago, she genuinely expected a brand new VW from us!!

Please tell me how he is struggling with £1300 spare cash?

Please tell me how he is struggling when he can A afford to smoke and B chooses to do it in OPs house ( not his house ) against the rules?

Please tell me how he is struggling with having the majority of his food bought and cooked by his parents?

I'm not relishing anything, I am seething that op has to put up with an ungrateful scrote of an ADULT son.

£500 is not a lot at all! He's an adult with a job. Never again will he live so cheaply! I hope he's at least saving to move out because he has plenty left over after that.