AIBU - expecting son to pay for his own 'luxury' groceries on top of rent

[QuaintNewt]

23yo DS pays £500 a month 'rent'. This includes, all bills including mobile but ive recently asked him to take this on himself as he can get cheap sim only contract and good for credit rating etc. It also includes meals and snacks Sunday - Thursday with the original agreement being he buys his own meals on weekends (take aways) although if im cooking i will offer to include him and his gf in meals too.

We are very comfortable and not financially 'short' but also not loaded, we live well but dont have loads left over, and DS earns around £1800 after tax and has EV paid through work costing him £30 a month BIK (he charges at home and claims work mileage as expenses) so no other outgoings .

He thinks £500 a month is excessive and we have recently had a discussion about him paying us for his car electricity on top of his rent, I also do not want to buy him large packs of canned drinks and coffee pods (nespresso) as part of our weekly shop. The coffee machine was purchased as weve recently moved rurally and i miss my occasional coffee shop coffee but dont expect to be paying £150 a month in pods for is all which I can see happening ig DH,DS,DD all start drinking 2 o 3 coffees a day!

AIBU and a tighta**e or do you think expecting him to purchase these things himself is fair?

@SilkySquirrel Parents aren’t responsible for their adult children, are they? Are your parents responsible for you?

Of course most parents want to help and support their adult children, and the OP has done this twice by bailing him out when he wasn’t managing away from home, plus they’re planning to give him £10K towards a house deposit. They’re hardly leaving him to struggle with £1300 a month to spend.

I would make children cover everything they spend etc
And then take an amount that can help them move out.
I have 4 brothers.
All of them were told to pay my mum a 100 a week.
2 did, and funnily those 2 left home early and got married and have kids.
The other 2 earned plenty, always complained it was too much, spent too much on nonsense and never paid the 100.
Lesson?
Make life a little hard for kids and they become independent fast
You have to be a little cruel to be kind.
Otherwise you'll have 40 year olds still at home, still complaining.

My adult son pays £180 per month. He pays his own car and phone costs. He is an absolute saver and not a spender at all. If he smoked, drank or wasted money I would think I should increase it but as he doesn’t do any of those things I’m happy with the £180.

Reading all your posts I think it’s fair. £500 all in but coffee pods and canned drinks sort out yourself.

500 is a lot
Yes of course it would cost more if he moved out,but he hasn’t , he is still living in his home !

I agree. You sound tight.

Wow, he’s your son, not a lodger.

If I don’t need the money I’d ask him for rent, but then I’d save it in an account and I’d give it to him when he needed it for a deposit or wedding.

I think it’s excessive.

Exactly this!

I paid my mum £300 a month for rent / bills about 25 years ago. I did pay for my own petrol though. I would have been paying for my own mobile too (I first got one in uni so hadn't grown up with parents paying for my phone etc). If your DS had a petrol car, he would presumably be paying for that. I am sure his work expenses more than cover it. Obviously some of that is for depreciation of the car / servicing etc. but it should also cover charging.

Seems like a lot to me. I would want him to save for a property rather than subsidise my household.

Should buy own groceries if lux but wft charging your kid £500pcm! Rent yes but how is he ever going to be able to leave? I really think that's such a lot of money to take.

I think £500 is quite a lot. Are you saving it to help with a future house deposit? I know quite a few parents do this and would make sense why you're charging him so much.

If he saves £600 per month for the next three years plus the 10k the OP is giving him he’ll have a deposit of 35k ish.
That still leaves £700 per month fun money if he doesn’t get a pay rise.

well im sorry but youve brought this on yourself. Firm up with him, no groceries, £400 a month rent and cook and CLEAN up after himself or, he can find somewhere else to live. It is not difficult and he is a fully grown man child. Even my 14 year old manages to wash up if hes cooked for himself

At his age he should be able to cook for himself and certainly clean up for himself. He is living like he is 8yrs old still and you’re facilitating it. You are buying him a takeaway if you’re out and not cooking food? Why is he not making his own food when you’re busy? My DD is 17 and has been making her own meals for 2-3yrs. She definitely needs some washing up training, which she will get before uni. You really are doing yourself no favours waiting on him like this by clearing up after him. If he wants to live in your home as an adult he needs to pull his weight. I’d be making many changes and if he doesn’t like it, he can look into a house share.

Re coffee pods, why are you spending so much? Set a limit and when they are gone, they are gone. Stash some elsewhere if you’re concerned your son will use them all, or better still tell him his keep doesn’t cover this.

If you're making a profit, then it’s excessive

IMO we should be setting our children up for future success, which means letting him save enough so he can move out and live independently, not making a profit or trying to replicate the tough and expensive rental market. You are his mother, after all

all very well if you can afford to do this. But many parents need that contribution to pay bills. £500 is a lot less than if he was in his own accomodation, plus he does absolutely nothing around the house.

But if he was in his own accommodation, he’d be paying rent to a landlord who is trying to make money.

I don’t see what that has to do with him staying at home.

It sounds like the OP is raking it in from her own son tbh.

I think you’re charging him too much. Are you charging him and saving the money for him or are you just using it to support yourself?

I would charge £500 if I saved all or at least £300,- per month for him to use on a deposit or are you that hard up you need his money? You said you’re comfortable so I do think YABU. Hope for his sake he moves out and if you need him in the future (when you’re old) he charges you for every bit of help you want from him if you’re just using his money to make life easy for yourself.

Well yours is in for a shock in the future then.

Not really on point but Aldi do really nice pods that work in a Nespresso machine and you couldn’t spend £150 on them without dying of a caffeine overdose!

Raking it in? Hardly. It’s not often you see parents charge a reasonable amount, usually it’s a pathetic £100. Sounds like this young adult has expensive food and beverages tastes and wouldn’t get what he’s getting for £500 elsewhere, and leave a trail of mess behind him and someone else just cleans it up. So what if they are making some profit, they deserve it for still cooking his dinners, supplying all his food and snacks and letting him live like a kid still.

There's a middle ground between charging a pittance and charging so much that the parents make a profit. I find that a bit odd. Surely the fairest would be for the person to pay for their keep, something close to what it actually costs for them to live there.

You’re making out like this kid is being used and having a hard life. His mother is doing everything for him. He makes a mess, mum cleans it. Wants a takeaway, mum pays, wants expensive drinks, just ask mum. Hilarious people think he is hard done by. Wait until he enters the real world.

hes taking the piss smokes in your house and doesnt clean up

he needs a kick up the arse-does he think his wife will do all this for him when hes married

Why is he choosing what goes in the weekly shop,? Send him with a list on his day to do the shopping and expect him to stick to it. Anything over and above the list he can pay for. My DD understands this concept and she's only just a teenager.