AIBU - expecting son to pay for his own 'luxury' groceries on top of rent

[QuaintNewt]

23yo DS pays £500 a month 'rent'. This includes, all bills including mobile but ive recently asked him to take this on himself as he can get cheap sim only contract and good for credit rating etc. It also includes meals and snacks Sunday - Thursday with the original agreement being he buys his own meals on weekends (take aways) although if im cooking i will offer to include him and his gf in meals too.

We are very comfortable and not financially 'short' but also not loaded, we live well but dont have loads left over, and DS earns around £1800 after tax and has EV paid through work costing him £30 a month BIK (he charges at home and claims work mileage as expenses) so no other outgoings .

He thinks £500 a month is excessive and we have recently had a discussion about him paying us for his car electricity on top of his rent, I also do not want to buy him large packs of canned drinks and coffee pods (nespresso) as part of our weekly shop. The coffee machine was purchased as weve recently moved rurally and i miss my occasional coffee shop coffee but dont expect to be paying £150 a month in pods for is all which I can see happening ig DH,DS,DD all start drinking 2 o 3 coffees a day!

AIBU and a tighta**e or do you think expecting him to purchase these things himself is fair?

Really? Why? It costs to run a home, wear and tear isn’t insignificant. The food, water, heating. I’d save a load if my DC moved out.

I’d love to know how parents get their adult children to save? My dd will never save to move out. She’s borrowing her bus fares to get to work from me two weeks after every pay day. She has never saved a bean. You can’t get in her room for new clothes she’ll never wear, vinyls, and make-up. She’s out or away most weekends.

Yet according to the oracle that is Mumsnet, it’s me that’s stopping her moving out by charging her £50 a week for food and bills, and I should be putting that money away (god knows what I’d buy her food with?) and giving it back to her when she moves out!

OP, I think you’re well within your rights to charge £500. In fact, I might take a leaf out of your book!

£500 would be a lot in my area - it’s nearly my whole mortgage for the month for a 3 bed semi. I think it’s a bit tight to charge that much rent + electric + luxuries, but the electric is justified as he gets that from work anyway. I think it sounds more like you don’t want to live with him anymore and this is your way of pushing him out though.

I don't think it is excessive but I think you cover the wrong things. For instance I would expect him to pay for charging of his car as that directly benefits him. I'd expect him to pay for any takeaways he wants and extras for meals that he wants to cook. I would expect him to pay his own phone bill and for toiletries he wants so if he uses a particular shampoo or conditioner over and above what you provide. I'd expect a contribution towards gas/electric and council tax as well as towards subscriptions such as Sky and or Netflix. I would have worked out a figure based on that.

I don't think you are in any way profiting off him and I find it distasteful that other posters would say that. Under your roof his costs are significantly less than of was renting, paying bills and food. It's a very good deal if you he isn't doing much housework or laundry. That is a helping hand. He's 23 and earning a full time wage. However I don't believe in parents bankrolling their children forever. He's an adult.

My young adult DC would pay that sort of thing themselves, but only pay me £60 pw! I haven't increased it because as they've got older they more or less sort out their own food, I just keep the basics in.

I think the EV makes things more complex though. How much is that costing you?

But he has £1300 per month disposable income to spend purely on himself, plus the allowance he is paid by work for him to charge his EV! That's more than plenty to enjoy 'before they jump on the treadmill of life and bills'. In fact, it's totally unrealistic and will probably result in him not being able to adjust his spending AGAIN should he move out.
Personally, I'd add another £100 a month to pay for a cleaner and towards eventual redecoration that will be needed as he smokes in the house, and for being treated as a skivvy.
His laziness, his sense of entitlement, and his lack of basic respect is absolutely appalling.
Please tell me that he does his own washing and change of bedding etc.

I can’t imagine a situation where I have a new coffee machine and begrudge my DC using it.

He’s fine to use it, she just wants him to buy some pods for it from his £1300 spare cash pcm

He’s your own flesh & blood.
That DS you so dearly loved & protected.
You now see him as a scavenger.
If you can’t afford to live without his extra £500 a month or coffee capsule money what will you do when he inevitably moves out?
Our DC left home when they wanted to.
We certainly did not charge them such an enormous amount. Couldn’t care less whether other people think their adult DC should be treated like a paying lodger.

I didn’t take any money off my three so they could save for a deposit to buy a house. They all have their own homes now. It was a pleasure to have them at home.

Exactly!! Couldn’t agree more!!

Our 23yr old has just moved home.
He brings home £2.8k a month.
We aren't poor but aren't rich either. We don't charge him a penny for being here, he's our son not a lodger, we want him to save for his future and he is.
We pay for all food, coffee pods, etc and spoil him rotten with all sorts of little treats.
He knows how lucky he is.

He sounds entitled, lazy and disrespectful. Why is he ignoring your rules about smoking? Why doesn’t he tidy up after himself? Why can’t he be trusted to make a meal for himself without making a mess?

The answer is that he thinks that’s your job. I doubt he’s saving money for a house as you’ve already admitted that he’s messed up twice financially and you’ve had to bail him out. You shouldn’t have done that the second time…

He doesn’t want to be an adult because he knows you’ll pick up behind him, physically and financially. He needs to grow up - and he needs a push from you to do it. Give him ‘notice’ and tell him to move out. I’d give him a bit of financial education first with regard to budgeting, and maybe even draw something up for him to refer to, but after that, if he fucks up he takes the consequences and learns his lesson.

Well then £500 it is!

Because it is his money!

DS1 briefly lived at home while working after uni. He actually earned much more than me or DH, but didn’t see that as an opportunity to make a quick buck!

We had finished paying our mortgage and a few extra meals fir one person isn’t hugely expensive.

Those referring to private rental costs are missing the point that landlords are businesses trying to make money. Is this really the kind of transactional relationship we want with our DC?

shop. The coffee machine was purchased as weve recently moved rurally and i miss my occasional coffee shop coffee but dont expect to be paying £150 a month in pods for is all which I can see happening ig DH,DS,DD all start drinking 2 o 3 coffees a day!
AIBU and a tighta**e or do you think expecting him to purchase these things himself is fair?

Yes, you do sound to be a bit of a tightarse with respect to the coffee machine. It seems that only you can use it, but DH, DS, DD can’t? DH has to buy his own coffee pods too? The £150 pounds is all of you using it, or DS alone?

Tbh it sounds like the DC are bankrolling their parents in many cases on this thread!

DH is Spanish. He says it would be absolutely scandalous there for parents to charge their DC at all, never mind £500 a month.

It’s no coincidence they have much closer family relationships and lower stress and mental health issues.

Dont be ridiculous...teaching your offspring that its ok to have a sense of entitlement isn't a great look either.
As an adult he has the choice to either pay what the op thinks is fair and reasonable or find somewhere else to live.

So many people seem to be fixating on the maths of this situation, and ignoring the fact that DS is rude, lazy, entitled, and disrespectful. I will let my DC live with me for as long as they like, as long as they are respectful and pull their weight. As soon as they decide that they don't want to do their share of housework, cooking, cleaning etc, then they can find somewhere else to live.

My DS’s are 25 and 27, they pay us £250 each per month. Thats for everything (all food and coffee pods) they pay for their own energy drinks and alcohol .

Wow thats a real insight into his mindset.

He sounds thoroughly entitled. He has a lot of learning to do. Has he paid you back for the bail outs?

That's £320 a month today. The extras you didn't expect your parents to buy for you would easily come to £180, making the £500 or more.

I bet you didn't refuse to clean up after yourself or whine about Mum not ordering your preferred brands, either.

He doesnt do any shared housework or contribute to the household in other works - doesnt even clean up after himself, we have asked and its not worth the fights/backlash. We have also asked him to not smoke etc in the house/garden which he does anyway.

this won’t have come out of no where

This will be the result of years of a not worth the fight parenting approach

Absolutely disgusting @ChavsAreReal.

As parents, we have a responsibility to our DC. That includes helping out when they get into trouble.

Your talk about repayment sounds like a commercial arrangement with a bank. How sad.

...doesnt even clean up after himself, we have asked and its not worth the fights/backlash. We have also asked him to not smoke etc in the house/garden which he does anyway.

It sounds like you've never really parented him and are now seeing the consequences of it. You are not in control in your own house. You are afraid to try to enforce rules and your DS knows there will be no consequences. This is the real issue, not how much he pays towards bills.