AIBU - expecting son to pay for his own 'luxury' groceries on top of rent

[QuaintNewt]

23yo DS pays £500 a month 'rent'. This includes, all bills including mobile but ive recently asked him to take this on himself as he can get cheap sim only contract and good for credit rating etc. It also includes meals and snacks Sunday - Thursday with the original agreement being he buys his own meals on weekends (take aways) although if im cooking i will offer to include him and his gf in meals too.

We are very comfortable and not financially 'short' but also not loaded, we live well but dont have loads left over, and DS earns around £1800 after tax and has EV paid through work costing him £30 a month BIK (he charges at home and claims work mileage as expenses) so no other outgoings .

He thinks £500 a month is excessive and we have recently had a discussion about him paying us for his car electricity on top of his rent, I also do not want to buy him large packs of canned drinks and coffee pods (nespresso) as part of our weekly shop. The coffee machine was purchased as weve recently moved rurally and i miss my occasional coffee shop coffee but dont expect to be paying £150 a month in pods for is all which I can see happening ig DH,DS,DD all start drinking 2 o 3 coffees a day!

AIBU and a tighta**e or do you think expecting him to purchase these things himself is fair?

Not necessarily. Someone might have to stay in a larger property to accommodate an extra person. If on UC credit you have bedroom tax. If it’s a single parent or there is a disregard for some reason you lose single person council tax. Bills are a lot higher if there is an extra person.

many, many parents sacrificed their own financial stability and futures eg savings, pension when their children were young. Adulthood is their chance to play catch up.

and if they think the grass is greener, go try.

Average adult in the UK spends 37-40% of income in rent/mortgage, so you are charging avery reasonable rate, because that includes utilities, food and subsidised transport (electricity for his car). I think if you can afford it and he is saving, then keep it at £500 but make him buy his treats separately.

Ah so the government profits. Got it.

A key purpose of the tax system is to disincentivise behaviour that is socially or economically undesirable.

Parents who exploit their DC should absolutely be taxed to the hilt.

If parents are scrutinized like landlords/businesses though, won’t the upshot be that they’ll be pushing their adult children to move out and avoid all this hassle?

I can see parents tolerating it through the early 20’s perhaps but by 25, surely they’ll have had enough. Then their children will have no choice except to rent if they’re not ready to buy.

Agree @BruFord

<ponders as to whether your question will be answered though>

I can’t envisage a piece of legislation that differentiates between a couple taking a 23 year old lodger unrelated to them for £500 pcm (or whatever) and them taking their 23 year old child back in for the same price (indeed, for effectively a lower price, if cooking and food bills are included).

For one thing, this is a system that often can’t make the NRP pay child support in the way they should. And that’s actual children, not young adults earning a reasonable wage.

Are we still missing the point that DS does not contribute to the household? He doesn’t cook or clean, and he smokes where he’s been asked not to. This is the main point IMO, not what he’s paying.

I don’t think the point was missed throughout the thread, but some posters only want to vilify the parents…

I adore my 4dc but don't want them to live with me forever! I also hope they have enough respect to make good the extra costs of them living at home if they are earning a reasonable wage. The summer of 2024 ds was still at university but working during the holiday giving me £30 a week (he was still paying rent at his student home). He then became very ill, almost died and was in intensive care for a week. When he got home I obviously looked after him, fed him (he eats a lot) and didn't expect him to return to work to pay his board. We are on UC, the cost of an extra mouth is a stretch, I think £500 is too high but I think the OP wants him out so that is her justification.

What?

If we all accept that people who earn more pay more tax, does your logic follow that the government would like to earn less, as it’s economically undesirable?

Same for owning bigger properties, or properties in “nicer” areas?

I can't anymore.
100% convinced SilkySquirrel is a teen/young adult/OP's son and couldn't care less what they think.
Wheres OP at?

Or its a reverse and OP and SS are one and the same.

My council tax jumps up 25,% as I lose discount if another adult lived there so it's not the same

Why 45,% anyway?

Because the ultimate aim should be to put a stop to this nonsensical culture, which would be unthinkable in the vast majority of other countries.

It's unthinkable in other cultures to put your parents in care homes also

And I see you ignored the fact that none ( and many peoples) council tax jumps by 25% if adult child moves in

@SilkySquirrel

but then no one would have kids if they had to look after the kids when they are adults the same as they did when kids. No one wants to be 70 plus years of age and subsidising an adult son/daughter and cooking and cleaning up after them. People will just not bother having kids because it’s too much.

How can charging board and lodgings to adult DC be both “a culture” and an “extreme minority view”?

<appreciates that my queries will never be answered by the poster in question>

It certainly doesn’t stop them in other countries…

@SilkySquirrel

but we’re not in another country… in the UK generally people don’t want their offspring to live with them forever. Women these days don’t wanna sign up to be an unpaid skivvy for their offspring until the day they die! Why do you think that is ok? Internalised misogyny??

Yeah my partners dad is 97. Should be still be paying for his 70 year old daughter

I generally support inter-generational living as an alternative to care homes where possible.

In the OP’s case though, I hope her DS charges her for every penny of assistance required when she is older.

Want a run into town? That’ll be the price of the taxi fare there and back (and booking fee). Plus the cost of a carer’s wage for accompanying her round the shops.

Yes, one reason why quality of life in the U.K. is dreadful for young people.

@SilkySquirrel

what about the quality of life of their parents?? Or do they not matter?

also im not sure why paying your way and cooking and cleaning for yourself when you’re an adult is viewed as as such a hardship by you? It’s just life! It what you do when you grow up. Do you not do these things for yourself, or do you rely on your parents to do it all for you?

It’s nothing to do with ‘paying your way’. It’s about putting a stop to the exploitation and profit-making.