AIBU - expecting son to pay for his own 'luxury' groceries on top of rent

[QuaintNewt]

23yo DS pays £500 a month 'rent'. This includes, all bills including mobile but ive recently asked him to take this on himself as he can get cheap sim only contract and good for credit rating etc. It also includes meals and snacks Sunday - Thursday with the original agreement being he buys his own meals on weekends (take aways) although if im cooking i will offer to include him and his gf in meals too.

We are very comfortable and not financially 'short' but also not loaded, we live well but dont have loads left over, and DS earns around £1800 after tax and has EV paid through work costing him £30 a month BIK (he charges at home and claims work mileage as expenses) so no other outgoings .

He thinks £500 a month is excessive and we have recently had a discussion about him paying us for his car electricity on top of his rent, I also do not want to buy him large packs of canned drinks and coffee pods (nespresso) as part of our weekly shop. The coffee machine was purchased as weve recently moved rurally and i miss my occasional coffee shop coffee but dont expect to be paying £150 a month in pods for is all which I can see happening ig DH,DS,DD all start drinking 2 o 3 coffees a day!

AIBU and a tighta**e or do you think expecting him to purchase these things himself is fair?

I’ve just checked, and you can’t rent anything here for less than £750, plus your bills etc on top.

Still sounds like he’s onto a winner to me!

when they earn and canr afford to move out.

He could afford to move out - and has done so twice, but come back.

On 1800 pcm, he would be able to afford a room in a shard house, at least, if he was careful with money.

you’ve asked him to stop smoking and he ignores you
you’ve bailed him out TWICE well what more can we say
black bags on the garden path waving goodbye to them both see ya

Yes, rent costs that amount. From a landlord who is trying to make a profit. Not from your parents 🙄

You have a very limited view of what parenting is.

I'll repeat what I posted earlier:
"It's our job as parents to produce functional independent adults, because eventually we die and they're on their own regardless. The only alternatives to being a functional adult is living in your own filth, or being a parasite upon an actual functional adult (who will tire of being their skivvy and get rid of them, whence he starts living in his own filth again)."

It is not "dysfunctional" to teach your child the value of money. Teach them that as adults they put a roof over their head and food on their table before pissing their money up the wall on beer, fags, gaming and gambling. Teach them that as adults their relationship with their parents moves from adult-child to adult-adult.

I believe that the parents who do not guide their children into functional adulthood and instead facilitate an extended (permanent?) childhood, do their children a great disservice. An infantilised adult cannot achieve their potential, in either career or partnership terms. Unfortunately some parents prefer their children to remain in this dependent state, no doubt thinking this demonstrates "love for your own child" when instead it demonstrates a reluctance to cut the apron strings.

It’s a lot if he is saving for a house

or

if no plans to move out, then it makes sense

The only person profitering here is the son, he has been bailed out financially TWICE presumably he hasn't paid that back? He has at least 10K waiting for him as a boost for a house deposit IF he learns to take responsibilty for his home ownership and currently lives at home with food and board for a subsidised amount with £1300 to spare each month.

It is a good salary, he’s an electrician. When he wants to move out he’ll probably find saving for a deposit easy.
At the moment he’s working and then travelling, I don’t mind him staying with us for as long as he wants.

I see. Good for him!

Well if he doesn’t like it, there is always the option of paying more to live elsewhere and not get most of his meals cooked etc.

Couldn’t. Agree. More. 👏🏻

Yep good post. My in-laws took the 'awww but he's our lickle boy' approach with my brother-in-law as he steadfastly refused to pursue any sort of meaningful career or attempt to be independent in the decade after uni - basically they facilitated numerous consecutive gap years for him. Now in his early 30s, with the cash having run out thanks to their retirement, he's pretty much stuffed and the in-laws are all 'oh but it's so unfair; what did we possibly do wrong?'. Basically they raised a man-baby and are now surprised he's a man-baby. The OP sounds like she's not up for doing the same - good for her.

These young men become someone’s husband one day, and then in 5-10 years there’s a woman on here saying “he won’t clean, he can’t cook, he’s crap with money, I’m not sure he knows what a hoover even is…”

There comes a point we’re not raising little boys, we’re developing fully grown men.

Good points.

If you want him to save to move out, £500 might be a bit excessive.

Are you seriously suggesting that with no kids, no other real financial commitments, you couldn’t save out of £1300 a month?

When I was on £1300 a month I saved £1000 of it but that was 15 years ago. It takes ages to get a decent deposit these days.

The DS also has £20k coming to him from family on top of anything he saves. Giving up smoking would help, of course.

Arguably easier to invest money that isn't quite yours though isnt it, while being subsidised and having rhe time to do that. All power to him, great skills to learn but if he can invest ffs he can move out!!

Why should there be pressure to ‘move out’ and start funding a landlord’s profit if staying at home works?

No, sure, you do you. Your dc is lucky if they want to stay.
But it doesn't mean its unreasonable to charge £500 a month or more or ask ops son to leave.

It is extremely unreasonable to charge that amount as she is profiteering.

Profiteering is charging an excessive price for something, especially if a person has no alternatives. She isn’t doing that. Wherever they live, this 23 year old is unlikely to find board, lodgings and bills for £500 pcm, and there clearly are alternatives, because the man has already moved out twice.

She may be charging him “more” than the additional cost to her household of his food, utilities etc. But that is not profiteering. Just repeating hyperbole doesn’t make it true.

@SilkySquirrel

it might work for him. But it’s not working for OP. She feels that herself and her home are not being respected . That’s not ok.

But again, what local landlords charge is irrelevant as they are profit making businesses.

It is abhorrent to be making a profit out of your own son.